Megan Fox

So here I was, lazing about, watching TV, and I said to myself, “I should update that blog about things I hate again.” But what would the topic be? I’ve had kind of a mellow week. Not much going on to rant about. No problem, I said, just think of something standard. Something easy. Something that’s always around to hate on. I know, Megan Fox!

Then I realized I had never actually seen a Megan Fox movie. This would be a problem, since I assumed most of my argument would involve her being a shitty actress who only gets paid to look pretty. I mean, Transformers and its sequel are terrible movies, by all accounts, and she is terrible in them, but how could I write anything based on hearsay? So I pulled up Hulu to find what I could on her, and lo and behold, her Saturday Night Live episode was available for me.

Auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh.

I kind of felt like Patton Oswalt attempting the KFC Famous Bowl. I knew it would be terrible, but I had to do it to prove I was right.

Here’s the thing, I actually did chuckle a few times, but not at anything Megan said. She actually didn’t do much talking at all. Most of the skits and opening monologue were based on her being hot. And this fits neatly into why I already knew I hated her. I don’t think she’s completely useless, the girl can string a sentence together, but she certainly makes a whole lot of choices that aren’t showcasing anything but her fake boobs, nose, lips, etc. She also has this little girl baby voice that drives me really insane, but that’s neither here nor there. Pretty much any time I see her in a magazine, being interviewed, insisting she’s smart and people don’t give her a chance, the article is accompanied by pictures of her mostly naked, posing seductively with that weird mouth half open look that women seem to favor too much these days.

I'm hungry! FEED ME!

Romping around on the covers of FHM and Maxim is fine if you’re just going to model, but why are you insisting that acting is your craft and it’s what you want to do with your life? Who are we fooling? I do think there are women who are gorgeous and sexy who are fantastic actresses, some of whom have graced the cover of men’s magazines themselves. I’m not saying you can’t be sexy and talented. I’m just saying Megan Fox isn’t.

I don’t think I’m alone - I feel like in the last year or so, there’s been a big Megan Fox backlash, beginning after Jennifer’s Body crashed hard at the box office. Jonah Hex came and crashed even harder. Her reviews for almost every movie have been shitty (even her own co-star Mickey Rourke said their movie was a piece of crap and insulted her in the process).

I guess it’s some consolation that apparently even though she’s a stone cold fox (ha, ha, ha), people aren’t particularly interested in seeing her flounce around a screen unless she’s accompanied by giant robots a la Optimus Prime. And it seems she’s ruined her chance at doing that anymore, since they recast the female lead in the Transformers movies after she made some nasty comments about director Michael Bay, comparing him to Hitler. According to rumors, executive producer Steven Spielberg got pissed and booted her. You need to seriously question your life choices when you want to work in Hollywood and Mr. Steven Spielberg now hates you. Bye bye sweetie!

I hope when my career fails, this adorable child is there to wave goodbye to me too.

She does have Friends With Kids coming up, with co stars who generally act circles around her (Kristen Wiig, Jon Hamm, Adam Scott, etc.), so maybe she’ll totally shock me and hold her own in a film that isn’t about her boobs. But frankly, I won’t hold my breath. I think she should just stick to what she’s good at. Posing like she wants a sandwich, being inexplicably married to people who were only famous in 1994, and getting plastic surgery. Cause America doesn’t seem to want much more from her than that.

“Fat” Stars Who Lose a Bunch of Weight and Can’t Stop Talking About It

I feel I’m somehow “allowed” to talk about this subject, in the same way that certain people are “allowed” to make certain jokes because they belong to a certain race/ethnicity/sexual orientation/whatever. Thanks to my previously referenced dainty 5’10” frame, and a figure that comes straight from my defensive tackle father, I am never going to be a skinny gal. Therefore I feel I can appropriately comment on other women who turn weight loss into a paycheck and a way of life.

First things first: I am not against people losing weight. I try to do it myself roughly every day! I believe people should do whatever the hell they want if it’s healthy, and I truly don’t think any of the women I’ve referenced have lost weight unsafely. Moving on.

“It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, it’s a new LIIIIFE!” Jennifer Hudson feels good really often, and sings about it a lot on TV. She used to be a bigger gal, as you may know. Thanks to Weight Watchers (POINTS PLUS!) she has dropped quite a few pounds, and they are paying her probably a lot of money to belt it out to audiences everywhere. She even has her family in on it now - her cousins are featured in one of the new commercials, having lost some weight themselves. Yay for them. Yes, J Hud is still singing about Feeling Good in the background. Dang, I wish one of my cousins would hook me up with such a deal.

Similarly, Marie Osmond of all people has sung the praises of Nutri System, doing super peppy mini interviews with women who have lost weight, asking them all about their insecurities and self hatred, and how Nutri System changed ALL of that just by delivering them delicious meals right to their doorstep!

The other big celebrity whorehound is Jenny Craig, with perhaps the most endorsers of them all - over the years we’ve had Kirstie Alley, Valerie Bertinelli, and Sara Rue. The first two women were shown giggling with each other about competing in weight loss, while lately Sara Rue has gone from filming commercials in a dress, then skinny jeans, and now a bikini. She slinks beside a pool in a bathing suit, touching her own skin a weird amount and talking about how awesome and sexy she feels.

"Now I have value as a person!"

I have special individual problems with each of these commercials, but there are some overarching themes that apply to all. Number one, as Kirstie Alley has shown, it is really, really, really, really easy to regain a lot of weight you’ve lost. These women are PAID to keep this weight off, and I think that sends the wrong message to normal ladies who don’t have that motivation to continue whatever weight loss program they’re on. Yes, Valerie Bertinelli can get up there and tell me about how her whole life has changed since losing weight - but at the end of the day, someone’s paying her to be in this commercial. So at the end of a really rough day, when Valerie heads home and wants nothing more in life than a big plate of fried Chinese goodness, she doesn’t just have the, “Yeah I probably shouldn’t eat that” voice in her head. She has the “Damn, I won’t get my sweet ass payday if I enjoy this deliciousness” voice too. Would I be able to resist temptation more if someone were paying me to? Who knows, but it sure as hell wouldn’t hurt!

The other problem I have is the fixation on getting “sexy’ rather than getting healthy or happy. Yes, the women are all smiling, and yes, they do talk about Feeling Good (or sing about it), but all of the musical wonders in the world can’t deny that they get into short dresses and bikinis to tell America how awesome their lives are now. It’s this overt sexualization of weight loss that really pisses me off. In her most recent commercial, Sara Rue doesn’t even look happy - she’s posing uncomfortably by the side of a pool, sucking in her gut, and forcing a smile for the camera. It made me sad more than anything the first time I saw it. Skinny girls can wear muumuus too, Jenny Craig! Throw Valerie Bertinelli in some age appropriate clothing, and you’d have a very different ad campaign on your hands.

"I've never felt so light and airy in a sea of fabric!"

Overall, I just think weight loss should be a personal motivated choice, and should be about getting healthy and okay with who you are. Sara Rue’s first commercial - about skinny jeans - referenced how she used to be too uncomfortable in her own skin to leave her house. That is a real, tangible concern, and it’s great that she’s not in that place anymore - I just don’t think she needed to hop into a hot pink two piece to prove the point.