Movie Things That Never Happen in Real Life

I love movies.  I love movies so much I went to school to major in loving movies.  I love good movies, I love bad movies, I love movies with happy endings and sad endings and all the kinds of endings in between.  I love movies.

HOWEVER.

There is some crap that goes down in movies that I am just tired of.  I'm tired of the movies thinking I'll just keep quiet about it.  I will not go quietly into the night, movie industry.  Your unrealistic scenes have gone FAR ENOUGH.  I am doing the brave thing and writing about it on a blog that 12 people total have ever read.

Now, when I say unrealistic, I don't mean aliens, or time travel, or superheroes, or what have you.  I suspend my disbelief happily for all of those things.  I mean the little things.  I mean things that just don't happen in real life, because they don't make any sense.


"I'll Have a Beer."

This line has been uttered in countless movies, in many situations.  Sometimes a dude in a movie had a rough day, maybe he broke up with his girlfriend, maybe he just got a crooked cop in trouble, maybe he's meeting a pal for a drink to talk about gals.  But when he says, "I'll have a beer," my soul dies a little.  Because everyone in real life knows what would happen after someone says that.  Everyone knows what line would realistically come next.

"Uh....what kind?"

"Otherwise it's just the most expensive one, douchebag."

There are approximately one billion different types of beer, with different flavors and costs and bottles and drafts and COME ON, screenwriters!  I know there's copyright stuff and all, but can't you just get Budweiser or Blue Moon or whoever to throw a couple of bucks into your movie so you can actually say the name of a beer brand?  Because "Generic Movie Beer" isn't exactly cutting it for some of us who like a little realism in our films!

Everyone Hangs Up on Their Friends

My real life phone conversations end a little something like this, from my end.  "Okay, well I've gotta go get these errands started.  Yeah.  Yup, you too.  Yeah, no later.  Okay.  Sounds good.  You too.  Bye."

Apparently movies don't believe anyone needs to be polite, because most phone calls end with, "Okay see you there."  DONE.  Hang up.  No pleasantries, no goodbye, no exchanges!  Just a click!  Some don't even have that!  It is shocking that anyone in movies still has friends.  

"Yeah, it's actually crazy how much I hate you!  I don't know how I haven't made it more clear!"

Nobody Ever Pees

Unless it's part of the plot somehow, nobody's ever sitting on a toilet or straddling a urinal in a movie.  I mean, intellectually I get this - it's not that interesting for anyone to run off to the bathroom for a few minutes while the other characters wait for them to come back.  But still!  Come on!  Even in movies when the action is taking place entirely over the course of a few hours or an entire day, noooboody seems to need a pee break.  There must be a lot of really rough and painful crotches running around in movies, man.  Bladder infections are no joke.  

UTI:  not just a poorly named school.

Drivers Actually Need to Watch the Road

I love a good meaningful gaze as much as the next person, but I also like to avoid car crashes.  It seems that's not as much a priority for people in movies.  

Harold and Kumar love rocking out to Wilson Philipps...AND CRASHING.

I understand acting usually requires interaction with another person, and feeding off their vibe and what not, but unfortunately in car scenes that usually means several seconds of prolonged eye contact while supposedly driving at the same time.  Now, it's been awhile since driver's ed, but I'm pretty sure "keep your eyes on the road" is a very basic and main thrust of the course content.  Romantic scenes are particularly guilty of this - a guy gazes longingly at the woman next to him, deep in love, while in real life their car would be hurtling towards the median, and if he survived, he'd be on his way to jail.  

People Who Talk in Movie Theaters

I currently have two degrees, both of questionable use and value (sorry NYU, I do love you). One of those degrees is in Cinema Studies, or in layman's terms, the study of cinema. It was during the pursuit of this degree that I learned about the wonders of filmmaking: the art of setting a scene, lighting it perfectly, letting a swell of music speak for the characters instead of dialogue - or, in the absence of a melody, sometimes just the silence of a moment, where all you hear is the whir of the projection booth behind you, and you hold your breath to see how the director breaks the quiet.

"THAT GUY WAS THE GUY FROM BEFORE, RIGHT?"

"ISN'T HE FROM THAT EPISODE OF SEX AND THE CITY? I THINK HE IS."

"SHE'S NOT GOING TO GO BACK TO HIM, IS SHE?"

Dear people behind me, you are making everyone miserable. You are literally ruining this film for the rest of the people in this theater - and what's more, you 100% do not care.

That's the worst part, right? It's not like you're traveling to a different country and you don't know the customs, so you accidentally use the wrong fork and dinner and offend the old lady eating next to you. Everyone knows that talking during a movie is annoying and rude. So when people openly choose to do it, it's that much more obnoxious.

That guy two rows behind is both confused and angry. I feel you, bro.

I don't feel like I need to go too far into why talking during movies in unacceptable;* it's fairly obvious. Rather, I'd like to ponder the different reactions people have to others talking in a movie theater. I myself am a seether. I sit there and grip the arm rests in fury, a boiling pot of angry brewing inside me. Everytime the offender speaks again, more is added to my Hatred Stew. I will occasionally look back and shoot a glare, which is almost never seen/acknowledged by Talky McGee. At the end of the movie, I usually try to stand up first and turn around, piercing my death stare at the assholes. In my head, they notice and are ashamed. In real life, they neither notice nor care. Being a Seether is incredibly ineffective.

My favorite people are the ones who talk back. There's something so satisfying about hearing a "Shut UP" from somewhere else in the theater, and hearing the moment of awkward silence as everyone revels in the fact that these fuckers have been called out. For MOST talkers, this is enough to shut them up for the rest of the movie. Some are a little denser and will continue talking, but if the Back Talkers are bold enough and tell them to be quiet a few more times, usually the message is received.

A movie theater, in my perfect universe.

Why is it more people aren't willing to speak up when someone else is ruining a movie? I guess we as humans are fairly afraid of confrontation - and if someone is openly doing something they full well know is annoying and rude as hell, it's reasonable to assume they may not be so polite if the offensive behavior is pointed out to them. But it really does fucking ruin a film, and I cannot stand it.




*There are certain situations and movies where it's semi-acceptable to talk during a movie. These include obvious ones like sing-alongs or The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Talking is also acceptable in the following scenario:

a) it's opening weekend for the movie
b) it's either a scary film or kind of a terrible one
c) you're not talking over dialogue
d) you have something short and funny to say.

I'm serious, it has to fit all three of those criteria for me to find it okay. Examples: I saw The Crazies on opening night, a pretty solid horror movie that involves people in a town losing their minds. During a quiet yet stressful chase scene in which a Batshit Man pursued our hero, a man in the theater yelled, "That dude is CRAZY!" The whole theater laughed, the man stayed silent for the rest of the movie, and we all continued watching the film.

I also saw Wolverine when it opened a few years ago. This one obviously had a lot of buzz as a comic book movie taking a character beloved by many. Well, it didn't quite deliver...if you saw it, you know why. A man in the theater yelled out, "You ruined my childhood!" at the end. Short, funny, done.

If it's not one of these scenarios, and you're still talking during a movie...well, I hope someone who's not me is willing to call your ass out.