Commuting on the Subway...PART TWO

In the months since my first rant about the subway, I've had some time to reflect.  Some time to look inward.  Some time to look in the mirror and say, "Hey - what about you?  Could you be part of the problem?  Are you being too harsh on people who are just trying to get to work, like you are?  Should you give them another chance?"

We deal with mostly the same problems, he and I.

No.  The resounding, unanimous answer that I came up with is no.  Because in those months, I've actually discovered that the subway is even worse than I thought.  Read on if you dare.


Yankees Fans

 I've been a New Yorker for about 9 years now, and have been admonished a number of times for never making the choice.  You know, the choice every New Yorker has to make.  The one that says which side you're on.  Who your allies are.  Where your enemies lie.  And I have to say, I just never cared much to decide.  I didn't have any dog in the fight.  Why pick?  It seemed silly.  It was like N* SYNC vs. Backstreet Boys.  I could never decide there, either.  They both serve their purpose!  They both have their moments!  They both want me back after I broke up with them, and want to express it musically.  Can't we all just get along?

Well thanks to commuting on the subway, I have made a choice, folks.  GO.  METS.  Fuck the fucking Yankees.    

Why?  Because I'm lucky enough to live off the subway line that takes you to Yankee Stadium.  And I've been forced to confront the fact that the Yankees have THE DUMBEST FANS TO EVER RIDE THE SUBWAY.  DEAR LORD.

Callous, unfeeling BASTARDS.

They do not know how to stand on the subway to maximize space.  This is problematic since around the time I am leaving work, it's rush hour anyway.  The Yankers fill up subway cars with astonishing speed.  I can't describe to you the depression I feel when the subway finally pulls into the station, grinds to a halt, and the doors open, only to reveal a bumbling mass of navy and white stripes and absolutely no more room for even one more person.

It's not just the space they take up.  That would be bad enough.  But no, they stumble around like fools when people need to get on or off around them.  They are very often DRUNK and LOUD, with absolutely no respect for people who are just trying to get home from a long work day.  They don't give a crap if there are children around.  They have no concept of other people's space or existence.  They are rude, stupid, oblivious fools.   

I understand most of them don't ride the subway very often, if ever.  But when in Rome, DO AS THE FUCKING NEW YORKERS DO!  Come on, it is not that hard to figure out how to step aside and let someone by, so they don't have to physically shove you out of their way.  Do I get a little bit of pleasure out of it?  Maybe!  But that's not the point!

Ergo I am a Mets fan.  Long live the Mets.

Oh my god, this is literally like the first 10 results that come up when you google Mets fans.  This is the saddest, most pathetic thing I have ever seen.

Men and their Junk

I don't want to get too graphic here.  I don't know what it's like to have male parts.  But I do know what it's like to have lady parts, and I can tell you that they're not always that convenient either.  However, my ladyparts inconvenience rarely TAKES UP AN ENTIRE TWO SEATS ON THE SUBWAY BECAUSE I'M AN ASSHOLE.

 

You aren't exempt, you old bastard.  Shut those legs.  Don't give me that look.

COME ON!  Your man sitting stance is ruining EVERYONE'S LIVES.  If there are only HALF the correct number of seats on the subway, can you see how that might be a problem?  Squeeze your damn knees together and suffer like the rest of us, boys.  Your balls can handle the trip.

Subway Performers (Dance Style)

Let's just get the disclaimer out of the way first:  yes, there are WAY WORSE ways to make money.  I respect the fact that it's an honest way of earning cash.   And I'm not saying they're not talented.  They could easily star in a moving about stepping up.

But I also do not want to fear getting kicked in the face while I'm trying to go home from work.  So there's that.

See how thrilled everyone is....?

I'll say it again - it's not that I'm not impressed!  Great job, young people.  You are super flexible and strong.  No, I cannot hold myself up on a subway pole like that.  You sure are amazing.  But it's just not my chosen venue, you know?  The subways are crowded to begin with, and when someone asks you to move aside so they can spin themselves on their own heads...it feels a little tedious.  Come on.  Just keep your legs to yourself.  Please don't kick me in the face.  Please.  I don't have any extra money to give you anyway.  I'm sorry.

I'm sure there's only more to come.  Be prepared for Volume 3 sometime soon.

Commuting on the Subway

New York City. Center of the universe. So many parks, theaters...clubs...restaurants...and people. So many people. Many of whom have jobs. That they have to go to every morning. Just like you.

Oh commute, how dost thou suck? Let me count the ways.

If You Have a Seat...

Hahaha, jk. You'll never have a seat. Moving on.

Human Sardines

You've been waiting for like 10 minutes, you're already running late, and then you see it. The glow of a train in the distance. You breathe a sigh of relief. The train zips through the station, slowly pulling to a stop, and as it loses speed, you realize...holy shit. There are approximately one billion people already on this train. In every car. It can't possibly fit anyone else. But...you can make it on, right? Surely they have enough for one more. Hah.

No worries, that guy probably doesn't really need his elbow.

Here's the catch - everyone else next to you is having exactly the same thought. I can make it! And you've all been waiting for like 10 minutes. And everyone has a job to go to. There's no way around it - you ALL have to get onto that car. Get ready to touch some strangers! Hope you enjoy people breathing near your face, I know I do! On opposite day.

A-Hole Pole Huggers

If you've ever been in a subway car, you know the general layout. Some seats on the sides, the bars above them to hold onto, and in many cars, poles throughout for stripper practice. Jk, they are for holding onto as you try not to think about germs. That is, unless you have a life ruiner in your midst.

Oh my God, some creeper TOOK this picture! Like in real life! Add it to the list of subway fears...

No sir or ma'am - you're right. You've had a hard morning. You go ahead and snuggle up to that pole - my hands don't need it to balance while the train lurches back and forth. You deserve it. I'll be fine. Don't you worry your head about me. (That last line is moot - obviously they have no concern for others whatsoever.)

The Seatless Pole-less Spot of Doom

Picture that subway car again. The seats are all full, it's jam packed crowded, everyone has found a pole to grab - except you. Yes, you've found it - the one spot on the subway car that is too far from any pole to grab (at least not without gettin some close one on one time with someone's armpit). Hope there are no big lurches, because you've got to rely on either your balance or the bodies of those around you to keep you standing upright. Good luck with that!

Staring Judgers of Judgeton Abbey

Here's a secret that nobody talks about: being on a subway is like being put in a room with 40 people and being told you're not allowed to look at any of them. What do you think the first and ONLY thing you want to do is? LOOK AT EVERYONE. I go through a daily struggle that involves trying not to stare at the people around me and judge them. I mean sure, I'm a judger, but it's gotta be the right time and place - sitting on a park bench as people walk by...writing in semi anonymity on the internet...these are the times to judge! Not when you're TRAPPED with these people and they can SEE YOU STARING!

Jk - this flawless Queen can judge anyone she wants. She's earned it.

Not everyone has the common decency I do to withold their gaze. Some people are pretty bold with their Judge Judy eyes - and like Bette Davis' eyes before them, Judy will tease you and unease you. You start to wonder about your appearance, if it's able to trap someone's gaze for this long. Did I put on pants today? Do I have a giant booger hanging out? Do I have one of those weird black spots of whoknowswhat that you sometimes find on your face when you're washing your hands in the bathroom, and you wonder how long it's been there and how many people saw it without telling you? TELL ME JUDGMENTAL LADY WHO LIVES ABOVE 145TH STREET - WHAT DO YOU SEE?!?!


Augh. Everyone on the subway is the worst.