Megan Fox

So here I was, lazing about, watching TV, and I said to myself, “I should update that blog about things I hate again.” But what would the topic be? I’ve had kind of a mellow week. Not much going on to rant about. No problem, I said, just think of something standard. Something easy. Something that’s always around to hate on. I know, Megan Fox!

Then I realized I had never actually seen a Megan Fox movie. This would be a problem, since I assumed most of my argument would involve her being a shitty actress who only gets paid to look pretty. I mean, Transformers and its sequel are terrible movies, by all accounts, and she is terrible in them, but how could I write anything based on hearsay? So I pulled up Hulu to find what I could on her, and lo and behold, her Saturday Night Live episode was available for me.

Auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh.

I kind of felt like Patton Oswalt attempting the KFC Famous Bowl. I knew it would be terrible, but I had to do it to prove I was right.

Here’s the thing, I actually did chuckle a few times, but not at anything Megan said. She actually didn’t do much talking at all. Most of the skits and opening monologue were based on her being hot. And this fits neatly into why I already knew I hated her. I don’t think she’s completely useless, the girl can string a sentence together, but she certainly makes a whole lot of choices that aren’t showcasing anything but her fake boobs, nose, lips, etc. She also has this little girl baby voice that drives me really insane, but that’s neither here nor there. Pretty much any time I see her in a magazine, being interviewed, insisting she’s smart and people don’t give her a chance, the article is accompanied by pictures of her mostly naked, posing seductively with that weird mouth half open look that women seem to favor too much these days.

I'm hungry! FEED ME!

Romping around on the covers of FHM and Maxim is fine if you’re just going to model, but why are you insisting that acting is your craft and it’s what you want to do with your life? Who are we fooling? I do think there are women who are gorgeous and sexy who are fantastic actresses, some of whom have graced the cover of men’s magazines themselves. I’m not saying you can’t be sexy and talented. I’m just saying Megan Fox isn’t.

I don’t think I’m alone - I feel like in the last year or so, there’s been a big Megan Fox backlash, beginning after Jennifer’s Body crashed hard at the box office. Jonah Hex came and crashed even harder. Her reviews for almost every movie have been shitty (even her own co-star Mickey Rourke said their movie was a piece of crap and insulted her in the process).

I guess it’s some consolation that apparently even though she’s a stone cold fox (ha, ha, ha), people aren’t particularly interested in seeing her flounce around a screen unless she’s accompanied by giant robots a la Optimus Prime. And it seems she’s ruined her chance at doing that anymore, since they recast the female lead in the Transformers movies after she made some nasty comments about director Michael Bay, comparing him to Hitler. According to rumors, executive producer Steven Spielberg got pissed and booted her. You need to seriously question your life choices when you want to work in Hollywood and Mr. Steven Spielberg now hates you. Bye bye sweetie!

I hope when my career fails, this adorable child is there to wave goodbye to me too.

She does have Friends With Kids coming up, with co stars who generally act circles around her (Kristen Wiig, Jon Hamm, Adam Scott, etc.), so maybe she’ll totally shock me and hold her own in a film that isn’t about her boobs. But frankly, I won’t hold my breath. I think she should just stick to what she’s good at. Posing like she wants a sandwich, being inexplicably married to people who were only famous in 1994, and getting plastic surgery. Cause America doesn’t seem to want much more from her than that.

Overly Talky Employees

One might quickly extrapolate a few things from this blog fairly quickly. Even if you’re a casual reader who’s not preparing for a reading comprehension quiz, I think it would be pretty easy to pick up a few things. I’m tall. I’m cranky. And above all, I don’t really like people too much. This last item is something I think I make fairly clear most of the time, with body language, headphones, avoided eye contact, you know the deal. Reading over this, I kind of feel like I’m confessing some kind of disorder. Mental note, research social diseases. Anyway. I think I make it abundantly clear I’m not craving any attention. Most people get the hint. Except for one special special group.

“Can I help you with something?”

“Finding everything okay?”

“Something in particular you’re looking for?”

The parasitic work force of America ruins my life on a weekly basis. Thing is, I’m pretty capable of finding sweaters, shirts, jeans and any other casual or formalwear my heart desires allll on my own. I don’t actually need the assistance of anyone to rifle through a stack of clothing. Shocking, I know. I can even locate groceries and stuff too! (Trader Joe's employees, I’m looking at you.)

Yes, a google image search for "helpful employee" does indeed return a bootleg version of Tina Fey and Amy Poehler falling in love over a chance meeting of trail mix.

Now I know some of you might say, hey, employees are required to ask people if they need help. It’s part of their job! That’s fine, I’m not here to jam anyone up in their place of business. But when I give a clear, concise “Nope, I’m fine thanks,” I expect that to be the end of our short sweet relationship. If you can’t read the signal that I don’t want you hovering over me while I paw through items, I no longer feel the need to be nice to you. I will continue to make it crystal clear that I do not want your help. And if that makes you cry, lady from American Eagle, well that’s just tough toenails.

The “may I help you?” breed is the most common of overly talky employees, but there’s another rare group - those who are far too committed to their job, and want to chat with you, the innocent patron, about it.

“Yeah, have you seen the buy one get one free sale? People have been going CRAZY with that, but I mean - it really is such a good deal!”

“Can you believe that’s all your total comes to? That’s what happens when you shop at Trader Joes!” (actual conversation that happened to me)

Okay, guess it's part of their training.

I guess if you like where you work, great for you. You’re living the dream. But do you need to verbally assault your dream onto me while I’m forcing a grin and waiting for you to hand me my change? Come on, man. Gimme a break.

I can’t wait to be an old lady. There’s a point where you reach a certain age, and society just kind of says, eh, whatever. You can be a mean curmudgeon and people will just roll their eyes and chalk it up to bitterness in the twilight years. It’s a big free pass, I suppose, as a reward for having seen so much in this crazy world. When I get there, I’m going to tell all those salespeople and cashiers to leave me alone and shove it. Til then…

Livin' the dream.

Uneven Couples

Long ago, someone decided that everyone in the world could be placed on a scale of 1-10 in terms of attractiveness. I assume this was etched out in the caves somewhere around the mesozoic era, when the hunter/gatherers were choosing which ladies to club over the head and drag back to their dens.

BROntosaurus approves. Get it? BRO? That wit is called a masters degree, folks.

It stands to reason that generally, folks in the world should match up - 10s would shack up with other 10s, 2s with other 2s, and so on. Perhaps there's a few points' discrepancy here and there, with an 8 lucky enough to land a 9 or a 6 dating down to a 4. But overall, things should even out.

Disclaimer: I admit this is a very heteronormative conversation. I will do some research and make a follow up LGBT post on this subject as well. I'm assuming the Oscar-award winning film She's Out of My League will be involved in my studies. Stay tuned.

Anyway, the overall "things should even out" law of physics is why I find it so upsetting when certain couples choose to throw off the balance of the universe by dating several points above or below their own attractiveness. There's just something that seems so...off about it. I want to stop them and say, "What is going on here? Is he rich? Epically funny? Please, sit me down and explain this situation."

You'll notice I used "he" to describe the lower-numbered mate in this couple. This is because in my scientific calculations, 99.9% of the uneven couples in the world depict a woman dating down. You all know what I'm talking about - the supermodels dating silicon valley multimillionaires, hot ladies jumping all over Adam Duritz in the 90's, Christie Brinkley and Billy Joel...the list goes on.

Now, take a minute and try to think of a super hot guy dating down to a fugly gal. Seriously, try. If you can think of any, please leave a comment. The closest I came is Hugh Jackman's wife Deborah Lee Furness, but in all fairness a) she's not THAT bad, and b) she seems like someone who was probably a hottie when she was younger. And there are all those gay rumors about him...just saying.

Oh come on, nobody is attractive when they eat.

I remember catching an episode of Days of Our Lives years ago with my mom, and seeing one of the loving couples kissing. The woman was short, heavy, and middle aged. The guy was young and virile and looked like every other actor on a soap opera. I can actually recall thinking, "This isn't right," because my young brain had already been socialized to understand that hot men do not, under almost any circumstances, get with lesser ladies - ESPECIALLY if they're a bit on the chubby side. I can just hear his chiseled soap opera buddies saying, "Her?"

I'm not necessarily saying women are not shallow. I went to high school. I saw which guys were getting laid and which weren't. But there is something different about the sexes. Maybe women are more willing to overlook a few extra pounds if a guy is really funny? Really sweet? Really rich? What is it? I don't know! But they're ruining it everyone else. They're throwing off the delicate balance of the universe, and making guys think it's okay for them to be super picky and judgmental of women, because hey, even Jamie Cullum married a supermodel.

Him?

So when I walk down the street and see a 10 and a 4 hand in hand, it's hard to hide my disgust/curiosity/annoyance. It truly makes me irate in a way I can't explain. Maybe this is my own weird issue, but whatever. You can get your own blog and write about the strange shit that pisses you off.

Awesome Shows Getting Canceled

Network television has just finished its yearly upfronts season, the weird time when NBC, CBS, ABC, Fox, and the CW decide what shows are going to be picked up for the Fall, and try to convince advertisers to buy as much advertising time on them as possible. Hurrah!

I'll admit to being pretty excited about some of the new shows coming down the line (Will Arnett, Christina Applegate, and Maya Rudolph all in one place? Yes please!), but as we all know, some shows had to go by the wayside to make room for more. And so my yearly mourning period begins - when I have to sigh and grapple with some really awesome shows being canceled.

This year, my "Aw crap" moments came for just a few shows. The Chicago Code comes to mind first, starring the amazingness that is Jennifer Beals. This cop show, focused on bringing down corruption within Chicago's government, was skillfully written and equally well acted. It also featured cutie patootie Matt Lauria from Friday Night Lights (one of my mourned shows from last year) and Jason Clarke as a wise ass detective team.

"Sorry you had to actually pay attention to the words of dialogue, America."

I also felt like I could've gotten a little more into Mr. Sunshine if they gave it a chance, although Matthew Perry has already scooted back to rehab, so that might not have worked out anyway.

I won't regurgitate a list of "Canceled Too Soon" shows here; that already exists in about 1000 other places on the internet, featuring classics such as Freaks and Geeks, Arrested Development, Veronica Mars, Pushing Daisies, etc. etc. etc. Rather, I'd like to focus on the upsetting reasons why these shows get canceled. Or rather, one reason.

America is dumb.

I could rest my case there, but what the heck, let's talk about it further. America seems to get super sleepy and apathetic when a show arises that requires one to:

a) follow the characters and their stories over several episodes
b) concentrate on dialogue that might be fast or witty
c) think

That's really what it boils down to. The shows that consistently get the best ratings involve ex-"celebrities" dancing like fools in stupid outfits, randos singing to Aerosmith and J Lo, OR Mark Harmon running around arresting criminals. Then of course there's Glee, which I've already ranted about elsewhere on the internet.

It's too much of a generalization to say everyone who watches these shows is dumb (especially because my friends and family, the only ones who read this blog, are viewers themselves). I'm all for escapist entertainment where you don't have to think much, and I'm not saying every show I watch should be racking up the Emmys. Although Hoarders should give everyone who works on it awards just for being willing to go into those disgusting houses.

"There's an Emmy buried somewhere in here!"

I also understand how difficult it is to keep up with a show that relies on knowing what happened the last episode. But in an age where it's so easy to pop onto hulu.com, abc.com, nbc.com, etc., and catch up on anything you've missed, I truly think everyone can make the effort! I don't even have a DVR and I keep up with no less than 15-20 shows. To answer your next question, no, I don't have much of a life, but that's besides the point. I am a committed fan!

All I ask is that next time you hear a show is smart, witty, and interesting, try to sit down and watch it. Make the effort.* Even if it means skipping a week of watching Kirstie Alley humiliate herself again. She'll still be there next time around.

This literally hurt my soul.

*Especially if you have a Nielsen box! For God's sake, watch good shows!

“Fat” Stars Who Lose a Bunch of Weight and Can’t Stop Talking About It

I feel I’m somehow “allowed” to talk about this subject, in the same way that certain people are “allowed” to make certain jokes because they belong to a certain race/ethnicity/sexual orientation/whatever. Thanks to my previously referenced dainty 5’10” frame, and a figure that comes straight from my defensive tackle father, I am never going to be a skinny gal. Therefore I feel I can appropriately comment on other women who turn weight loss into a paycheck and a way of life.

First things first: I am not against people losing weight. I try to do it myself roughly every day! I believe people should do whatever the hell they want if it’s healthy, and I truly don’t think any of the women I’ve referenced have lost weight unsafely. Moving on.

“It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, it’s a new LIIIIFE!” Jennifer Hudson feels good really often, and sings about it a lot on TV. She used to be a bigger gal, as you may know. Thanks to Weight Watchers (POINTS PLUS!) she has dropped quite a few pounds, and they are paying her probably a lot of money to belt it out to audiences everywhere. She even has her family in on it now - her cousins are featured in one of the new commercials, having lost some weight themselves. Yay for them. Yes, J Hud is still singing about Feeling Good in the background. Dang, I wish one of my cousins would hook me up with such a deal.

Similarly, Marie Osmond of all people has sung the praises of Nutri System, doing super peppy mini interviews with women who have lost weight, asking them all about their insecurities and self hatred, and how Nutri System changed ALL of that just by delivering them delicious meals right to their doorstep!

The other big celebrity whorehound is Jenny Craig, with perhaps the most endorsers of them all - over the years we’ve had Kirstie Alley, Valerie Bertinelli, and Sara Rue. The first two women were shown giggling with each other about competing in weight loss, while lately Sara Rue has gone from filming commercials in a dress, then skinny jeans, and now a bikini. She slinks beside a pool in a bathing suit, touching her own skin a weird amount and talking about how awesome and sexy she feels.

"Now I have value as a person!"

I have special individual problems with each of these commercials, but there are some overarching themes that apply to all. Number one, as Kirstie Alley has shown, it is really, really, really, really easy to regain a lot of weight you’ve lost. These women are PAID to keep this weight off, and I think that sends the wrong message to normal ladies who don’t have that motivation to continue whatever weight loss program they’re on. Yes, Valerie Bertinelli can get up there and tell me about how her whole life has changed since losing weight - but at the end of the day, someone’s paying her to be in this commercial. So at the end of a really rough day, when Valerie heads home and wants nothing more in life than a big plate of fried Chinese goodness, she doesn’t just have the, “Yeah I probably shouldn’t eat that” voice in her head. She has the “Damn, I won’t get my sweet ass payday if I enjoy this deliciousness” voice too. Would I be able to resist temptation more if someone were paying me to? Who knows, but it sure as hell wouldn’t hurt!

The other problem I have is the fixation on getting “sexy’ rather than getting healthy or happy. Yes, the women are all smiling, and yes, they do talk about Feeling Good (or sing about it), but all of the musical wonders in the world can’t deny that they get into short dresses and bikinis to tell America how awesome their lives are now. It’s this overt sexualization of weight loss that really pisses me off. In her most recent commercial, Sara Rue doesn’t even look happy - she’s posing uncomfortably by the side of a pool, sucking in her gut, and forcing a smile for the camera. It made me sad more than anything the first time I saw it. Skinny girls can wear muumuus too, Jenny Craig! Throw Valerie Bertinelli in some age appropriate clothing, and you’d have a very different ad campaign on your hands.

"I've never felt so light and airy in a sea of fabric!"

Overall, I just think weight loss should be a personal motivated choice, and should be about getting healthy and okay with who you are. Sara Rue’s first commercial - about skinny jeans - referenced how she used to be too uncomfortable in her own skin to leave her house. That is a real, tangible concern, and it’s great that she’s not in that place anymore - I just don’t think she needed to hop into a hot pink two piece to prove the point.

Men Who Call Out at You on the Street

I love New York. It is the city I have dreamed of living in since I sat in front of a TV and watched West Side Story and On the Town, part of my mother’s grand scheme to turn me into a gay man (it worked). I love the smells, good and bad - I love the subway, I love taxis, I love uptown, downtown, east and west. I adore almost everything about this city.

Everything except the NASTY MEN.

“Hey baby, I like that!”
“Ooh, mami!”
“Sup girl?”

It turns out the men who live in New York will not sing and dance merrily about the town, sometimes stopping to duet with a gal pal or two, as I was led to believe by many musicals.

Any woman who has ever lived here has probably heard any number of cat calls as she is innocently walking down the street. None of the men I know have ever experienced this and may be surprised to learn it happens so often (sorry Dad, this might be an awkward read), but it does. Women are verbally harassed every single day here, in good neighborhoods and bad ones, daytime, nighttime, anywhere, any hour.

The most curious part of this occurrence for me has always been the motivation. Do you, sir, think that I will respond to you? Do you think you’ll win me over with your inappropriate familiarity? When you call out “NICE,” do you think I will turn and say, “Why thank you kindly gent! I thought my sweater looked extra good today too! Would you like to be my boyfriend?“ Has that EVER happened to you with ANY of the women you have called at on the street? If it has, I’d like to meet that woman so I can punch her in her stupid face for ruining it for the rest of us.

"Why m'lady, I believe thou dost protest too much!"

Sometimes Pervy Mc Nastyson doesn’t say anything. Sometimes I just get a hard stare, the guy looking me up and down from the moment I step into his eyeline till the moment I pass. I can always see him in my peripheral vision, and I cringe internally as I maximize the distance between us. Honestly sometimes I find myself wishing he would just say something instead of the gaze - the anticipation can be worse.

It doesn’t happen every single time I go out, so when it does, I always try to figure out what‘s different that day. I barely own any clothing that’s even remotely revealing (NOT that a short skirt is an open invitation to cat call), and most of the time my hair is in a messy bun because I decided to shower at night. I don’t often do what they call “try” in terms of makeup or attire. I really am always lost for an explanation. Guess maybe it’s just the moon’s gravity or whatever shit making the guy super randy and vocal that day.

Though I am almost always alone when this harassment occurs, I never feel particularly unsafe; rather, I get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and wish I had the balls to yell something insulting back at them, or flip them off, or respond in any way that made sure they knew what they do isn’t okay. Sometimes I just want to stop and say, “Hey, it’s really demeaning when you do that. Would you want someone to talk to your mother or sister that way?” But of course I don’t - and even if I did, and that guy stopped, there’d be 10 more guys to take his place.

It’s a cultural problem that men think it’s okay to talk to women this way. Popular music and film don’t help, with depictions of women in videos that are merely there to shake their asses in skanky skirts and lyrics that promote degradation. I admit I myself have sung along to more than one song about smackin’ bitches and hoes, even as the whitest girl alive. But it’s not okay, and I sincerely wish rappers would start waxing poetic about respecting ladies and not calling them names or talking to them on the street without solicitation!

Oopsy! Someone forgot their pants! How terribly embarrassing!

Maybe someday we’ll get our equality - til then I will shove my headphones in, give a glare, keep on walkin, and once again take to the interwebs to express my anger.

People Who Make Out in Public

L’amour. Ahavah. Amor Prohibido. However you say it, love is perhaps the most widely written and sung about topics in the world. It can make you so happy it brings you up above the clouds. It can bring you deep down to the depths of despair in its moments of cruelty and hopelessness. Wherever love takes you, there is one place it should never, never, ever go:

Right in front of my face.

Please use your wings to fly away? Touched by a Gayngel? Too many jokes.

I may not be the most chipper of people (you may have heard I have a blog about hating stuff), but I usually don’t show open disgust with complete strangers. This etiquette goes out the window when two people are sucking on each other’s mouths a foot from my eyes. My rage and disapproval is impossible to hide, as I make the obligatory, “Augh” noise and turn my head. What difference does it make? They can’t see or hear me anyway. They are in their own land of overt affection, and everyone around them has been forced into temporary citizenship until we cross the street/get off the subway/run screaming in the other direction.

A peck here, a hand hold there - sure! I’m fine with some light PDA. I understand the need to express love sometimes when you happen to be around others. What I do not understand is camping out on a street corner for several minutes at a time, licking someone else’s face as good citizens try to walk by you without vomiting. Sometimes I want to stop and ask, “Don’t you have anywhere to go? Do you live somewhere? May I help you with some directions?” Surely there’s somewhere else you can be eating that young lady’s face off.


Most often this is a street or subway offense, but I have even been on an elevator with couples who are making out profusely, leaving me to cower in the corner in disgust, praying for the laws of physics and the Gods of elevator engines to make us go faster. I am literally trapped with the hideous slurps and smacks, strongly considering jamming a pen from my purse into my eyes and ears to escape.

What does one do in these situations? I suppose the street is easy enough - you just walk by as quickly as possible. Maybe a “Get a room!” shouted over your shoulder. I try to do my “Augh” as loudly and closely as possible to the couple, in hopes they get the hint. On the subway, there’s a certain pleasure one gets from sharing the hatred with other people - undoubtedly, there’s a gruff middle aged woman or an angry old man who is already making The Face of Disgust by the time you spot the offending couple. Then you can join them in eye rolling, scootching away from the nasty pair, and maybe make a collective, “Augh” that will alert the couple to their public crime. If you’re lucky, there’s a sassy gay or loud young woman in the vicinity, willing to give a loud, “God I hate it when people are all over each other like this” announcement to the whole subway car. Teamwork!

That gentlemen in the tux will clearly assist in the shaming.

The worst is when you are all alone with no escape. The nightmare where you want to run but your legs don’t work is suddenly a reality! I suppose there are some people with personalities that might make it easy to confront the a-holes with a, “Could you bastards close your mouths until I can escape this elevator, unless you want to step out around my pool of vomit?” Or perhaps a more polite, “Do you think you could wait until you’re alone to do that?“ But unfortunately I’m pretty non-confrontational (you may have heard I have a blog about hating stuff). So for me and those like me, there is no recourse but to look the other direction, make a few awkward coughs, and take a deep breath until you are able to get away. And then take your fury to the internet.