Really Popular Songs With Ridiculous Lyrics

Songwriting is one of those things that many, many people try, presumably because they think they can genuinely succeed at it. Most of those try hards will fail, as well they should - just because you can move your voice up and down and know lots of words doesn't mean you'll be a decent songwriter. People like Bob Dylan, Sir Phil Collins, Adele - they don't come along everyday. In fact, with the exception of acting, music is probably one of the hardest industries to break into. So why do so many turds continue to strum their guitars in hopes they'll one day hit it big?

Because the music industry has rewarded hundreds of idiots before them, that's why.

Have you ever listened to a song - really listened - and realized, "This is the DUMBEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD. How did this get to be so popular??" Because America is a bunch of idiots who will make dumb things popular. See: Snooki.

"Haha, I make more money than anyone reading or writing this blog! Who's REALLY the stupid one?"

Here are the most popular and egregious song offenses.

Rhyming a Word With That Same Word

What - did you think we wouldn't notice, STEALER'S WHEEL?

"I've been trying to make sense of it all/but I can see it makes no sense at all..."

Stuck in the midde, indeed. Stuck in the middle of a bunch of stupid lyrics. No wonder you were a one-hit wonder!!! (See what I did there, with the wonder?)

Seems like the word "all" is pretty tough for many groups - take O Town, everybody's favorite boy band that came from a TV show:

"Cause I want it all/or nothing at all"

Are they all squinting cause it's bright in there, or they're trying to see what's going to happen to their careers in a year? Cause if so I have bad news...

You have people paid money to write songs for your pretend singing group - and they still can't come up with the words "tall" "fall" or "crawl?" Come on.

I know what you're thinking - we're talking a one hit wonder and a made up boy band! Surely these are just expected flukes of stupidity. Ladies and gentleman, I give you...The Beatles.

"Hey Jude, don't make it bad/take a sad song and make it better/remember to let her into your heart/then you can start to make it better"

It can happen to anyone.

Lyrics That Don't Make Any F@#$ing Sense

"Lucky that my breasts are small and humble/so you don't confuse them with mountains"

Yeah, Shakira, I guess that is lucky. What's not lucky is that you're apparently singing to a boy so dumb that there was a chance he'd confuse your boobs with mountains. Maybe you need to think about your life decisions.

I mean, she has a point.

Clay Aiken, famous for being a runner up and hiding his gaiety, had a few hit songs during his peak popularity. His gem "Invisible" gave us a lot of really questionable lyrics - "If I was invisible, then I could just watch you in your room" is basically the last thing you hear before you head on over to the police station to file a restraining order against someone. But at least it makes sense. Unlike this lyric from the same song:

"Wish you could touch me with the colors of your life." Me too, Clay. I'd touch you with red, orange, yellow...all the colors of the rainbow, until you realized a lil somethin about your own colors and finally came out on the cover of a People magazine.

Aw. We know.

I'm a well known hater of this next song, but maybe by point out how truly dumb and nonsensical the lyrics are, I can bring a few people over to my side.

"But, that's not how it used to be
When the jester sang for the king and queen
In a coat he borrowed from James Dean
And a voice that came from you and me
Oh and while the king was looking down
The jester stole his thorny crown
The courtroom was adjourned
No verdict was returned"


So what's going on here? We're in a palace, and then a court? I mean I know Kings and Queens "hold court," but they don't really overturn verdicts there, Don McLean. And how do they know James Dean? I really chose these dumb lyrics at random - any of the 30 verses of this neverending song could have worked for this blog entry.



And you can all rest easy at night knowing that all of these folks probably have more money than you. Well, except like 4/5 of O Town's squinty losers.

Commuting on the Subway

New York City. Center of the universe. So many parks, theaters...clubs...restaurants...and people. So many people. Many of whom have jobs. That they have to go to every morning. Just like you.

Oh commute, how dost thou suck? Let me count the ways.

If You Have a Seat...

Hahaha, jk. You'll never have a seat. Moving on.

Human Sardines

You've been waiting for like 10 minutes, you're already running late, and then you see it. The glow of a train in the distance. You breathe a sigh of relief. The train zips through the station, slowly pulling to a stop, and as it loses speed, you realize...holy shit. There are approximately one billion people already on this train. In every car. It can't possibly fit anyone else. But...you can make it on, right? Surely they have enough for one more. Hah.

No worries, that guy probably doesn't really need his elbow.

Here's the catch - everyone else next to you is having exactly the same thought. I can make it! And you've all been waiting for like 10 minutes. And everyone has a job to go to. There's no way around it - you ALL have to get onto that car. Get ready to touch some strangers! Hope you enjoy people breathing near your face, I know I do! On opposite day.

A-Hole Pole Huggers

If you've ever been in a subway car, you know the general layout. Some seats on the sides, the bars above them to hold onto, and in many cars, poles throughout for stripper practice. Jk, they are for holding onto as you try not to think about germs. That is, unless you have a life ruiner in your midst.

Oh my God, some creeper TOOK this picture! Like in real life! Add it to the list of subway fears...

No sir or ma'am - you're right. You've had a hard morning. You go ahead and snuggle up to that pole - my hands don't need it to balance while the train lurches back and forth. You deserve it. I'll be fine. Don't you worry your head about me. (That last line is moot - obviously they have no concern for others whatsoever.)

The Seatless Pole-less Spot of Doom

Picture that subway car again. The seats are all full, it's jam packed crowded, everyone has found a pole to grab - except you. Yes, you've found it - the one spot on the subway car that is too far from any pole to grab (at least not without gettin some close one on one time with someone's armpit). Hope there are no big lurches, because you've got to rely on either your balance or the bodies of those around you to keep you standing upright. Good luck with that!

Staring Judgers of Judgeton Abbey

Here's a secret that nobody talks about: being on a subway is like being put in a room with 40 people and being told you're not allowed to look at any of them. What do you think the first and ONLY thing you want to do is? LOOK AT EVERYONE. I go through a daily struggle that involves trying not to stare at the people around me and judge them. I mean sure, I'm a judger, but it's gotta be the right time and place - sitting on a park bench as people walk by...writing in semi anonymity on the internet...these are the times to judge! Not when you're TRAPPED with these people and they can SEE YOU STARING!

Jk - this flawless Queen can judge anyone she wants. She's earned it.

Not everyone has the common decency I do to withold their gaze. Some people are pretty bold with their Judge Judy eyes - and like Bette Davis' eyes before them, Judy will tease you and unease you. You start to wonder about your appearance, if it's able to trap someone's gaze for this long. Did I put on pants today? Do I have a giant booger hanging out? Do I have one of those weird black spots of whoknowswhat that you sometimes find on your face when you're washing your hands in the bathroom, and you wonder how long it's been there and how many people saw it without telling you? TELL ME JUDGMENTAL LADY WHO LIVES ABOVE 145TH STREET - WHAT DO YOU SEE?!?!


Augh. Everyone on the subway is the worst.

Moving

A new year, a new you, a new apartment! What a way to make a fresh start - is anything more satisfying than stepping foot into a new place, knowing it's about to become your home? What could be better than that?

Answer: anything. Literally anything.

Moving is the absolute worst. Those of you in normal towns and suburbs are probably like, "Yeah, I guess, but whatevs - how often does it happen?" Well anyone in New York City knows that answer is about once every one or two years. In my 8 1/2 years as a New Yorker, I've never lived anywhere longer than 22 months. That's a lot of moving. Luckily it means I can bring to you in great detail everything that sucks about it.

"Of course you can bring Teddy! After all, it's not like you'll have any friends in our new town!"

Packing Your Shit

You didn't think you were a hoarder, until faced with all of your shame...

"I haven't even lived here that long. How the hell did I get all this stuff?! What IS this pile of papers? Why did I save it? Who gave me this weird book? I haven't worn these boots in 4 years, why do I still have them?" Then there's wrapping your breakables - why the hell is newspaper so crappy that it turns your fingers black? No wonder that industry is dying, they can't even keep their ink on the page! These are the terrible thoughts going through everyone's head as they pack up however many months/years of crap that has accumulated in their space. I throw away a ton of stuff every time I move, yet I still seem to have two dozen boxes' worth of shit. And while we're on the subject of boxes - they're a total pain in the ass to buy. Have you ever tried to carry an armful of flat boxes that haven't been put together yet? It's awkward as hell, and sometimes you drop them and people stare. I wouldn't know, but it happened to a friend of mine.


Transporting Your Shit

"Welcome to your hell, minions!"

The squatting. The lifting. The dropping things on your foot. The misery of taping boxes closed and then realizing there were 4 more things you wanted to squeeze in. Piling everything in a vehicle, hearing crashes and praying to a higher power that wasn't the box with the glass vase you didn't have enough newspaper to wrap. And if you live in New York, you've probably rented a U Haul and are driving fearfully through the ridiculous traffic of the city, praying to God nobody drives in your 8 foot blind spot on either side of the most poorly designed vehicle to ever exist. Holy shit is that scary. And of course, if you bump into anything, it's all your fault. If you break anything, you only have yourself to blame. Unless of course, you decide to...

Pay Someone Else to Move Stuff For You

Comes complete with an attractive onesie, adult sized for your comfort!

You can buy anything these days! There are people who will whisk away your boxes, put them in a truck, drive that truck to your new apartment, unload those boxes into your new place, and you won't have to touch a thing! It's amazing. There are those awkward moments where you're just kind of standing around watching them pick up your stuff, trying to read their faces to see if they're judging your packing abilities or your apartment, but all in all it's a pretty pleasant experience. Why then, you ask, would it be on this list of the worst things about moving? Because in order to hire people and to do a lot of other things associated with moving, you must...

Spend a F!@&$load of Money

Poor tax indeed, Mr. Moneybags. Poor tax indeed.

You know what moving does? It reaches into your pocket, takes out your wallet, wipes its ass with every penny you have, and laughs as you desperately scramble to find ways to save a dollar here or there so you're not completely broke when the process ends. There's first month's rent, a security deposit, a broker's fee if you used one - and those are just the big bucks! Turns out U Haul actually makes YOU pay THEM money to drive their death traps! Weird, right? Those boxes you slaved over setting up? Those cost money, and so does the devil tape that you have to use to shut them! Did you want to get this newfangled thing called "the internet" in your new apartment? Cause it costs extra money for them to come set that up for you. No counter space in your new place? Need an island? A dark corner requiring another lamp? Delivery food the first few nights before you can fill your fridge again? Money, money, and more money. Whether you moved up to a deluxe apartment in the sky or downgraded to a little shanty...you are now poor. Congrats.

Oh, and enjoy the new place. If you can still see it through your tears of abject poverty.

Being Sick

Okay, I know this one is a no-brainer. Nobody likes being under the weather. But I'm not going for the obvious here - no, "It hurts," or "I don't like co
ughing." Nay, my beef with illness goes much deeper...so without further ado, here are the worst things about being sick.

Even clip art gets sick sometimes too.

1) The Internet

I yearn for the days of being sick before the internet. When your mom would say, "It's just a bad cold," and you knew it was no big deal. Now there's the world wide web, complete with plenty of helpful websites where you can type in symptoms and they'll let you know what you have! The problem is, no matter what your symptoms, there is only one thing you have according to the internet: cancer. Oh wait I'm sorry, if you're a woman, there's two things: a baby. Or cancer. Or baby cancer.

2) Nasty Red/Peeling Nose

This is exclusive to illnesses that include a runny nose, but after 2-3 days of using a tissue every 30 seconds, things tend to get nasty up in there. Your skin is finally like, "Godamn, enough!" and starts to flake off in pieces. There's nothing cuter than peeling a little strip of dead skin from your nostril area. It brings all boys to the yard.

3) Other People Being Concerned Only About Themselves Getting Sick

"Ooh, don't get near me, I'm going on vacation next week!" "Yikes, I better go Purell!" People love to tell you how terrible it would be if they were afflicted to what you are suffering with at that moment. Seriously, you become a leper mere moments after the first few sniffles or sneezes. Like I wanted to get sick, lady? Like this was how I was looking forward to spending my week? Come on.

4) Helplessness

If you live alone and you get sick, you're completely and totally screwed. There's no one to run out and get you meds, make you soup, fetch you tea....you have to schlep your sick ass out and do it all yourself. You have to drag yourself away from whatever awesome TV marathon you're powering through (one of the few bonuses of being sick), peel off your dirty sweats to put on real clothes (jk, I have no shame about hitting up the drugstore in semi-homeless garb), and head out to handle all of your own errands. It blooows. Take my advice - live with someone. Get married or something. Whatever it takes to avoid this.

I'll add more pictures when I'm on a normal computer...I'll say it: I hate Macs.

Tampon Commercials

The monthly visitor. Aunt Flo. Ladytimes. So many names for that special time every 28 days. For all you men out there reading this (just my Dad, really), I promise I'm not going to get graphic or gross. We won't get into the gory details. We will merely be exploring the ridiculousness of tampon commercials, aimed towards tricking women into two things: 1) Your period can be soooo fun if you only have the right tampon! 2) Tampons are like soooo embarrassing, right?!

Lie #1: Periods can be delightful with the right equipment!



What's that? You don't twirl in utter delight during your fun ladytimes? That's weird! You're missin out sister, because with Playtex you could be twirling with fresh confidence. There are several variations on this theme - how easy and fun it is to work out or go swimming if you pick the right tampon! Here's the main problem: periods suck and are fucking never fun. It's as simple as that. Sure, some women suffer more than others with cramps, bloating, general pain and heaviness, but the bottom line is nobody's giggling in giddy anticipation as you near your monthly date. And aint nobody TWIRLING in happiness when the time comes. If I saw someone this happy while they had their period, I'd smack them (especially if I had mine too).

Lie #2: Tampons should be hidden and if they must be pulled out in public, they better look like they could pass for something else!



Please don't bother watching that whole thing because it's oddly long, but the gist is that this bubbly teenager, whose friend is filming her for some strange reason, has finally found a tiny tampon that fits anywhere so she can discreetly bring it along! Whew! Wasn't it convenient that her friend caught this information on video for us?

This pisses me off because it supports the idea that periods are gross and embarrassing and GOD FORBID MEN KNOW THAT WE HAVE IT. THEY MIGHT DIE. Well here's a spoiler alert for you gents: if you're hanging out with a lady above the age of 13, below the age of 50ish, isn't pregnant or doesn't have some other medical condition that prevents her from menstruation....there is a 25% chance she has her period right now. What's that? I JUST BLEW YOUR MIND???

As far as I know, women have been having periods since the beginning of our existence. Why the hell are we still embarrassed when it happens? Get over it. Take your tampon to the bathroom with pride. Who the F cares whether or not your friends know? If they seriously get grossed out, tell them to grow up, and move on with your life. After all, you've got some twirling to do.

Sitting Through the Totally Lame Parts of Your Favorite Movies

Ahhh, the holiday season. A time to curl up on the couch with a mug of cocoa, indulge in a tray of cookies because it's bulky sweater time and no one will be able to tell you gained 5 lbs, relax and laugh with friends, and best of all...turn on your favorite movies. The vacation days are a great time to re-watch everything you love! Those films you can quote at the drop of a hat, the classics that have had such an impact on your life...it truly is the most wonderful time of the year.

That's why it hurts me to tell you this secret that deep down, you already knew: large chunks of those movies totally blow.

Exhibit A: Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

Anyone between the ages of 20-40 should be able to quote this movie verbatim. I'm a firm believer that it should be required to graduate high school - if you can't finish the sentence, "A little nonsense now and then, ______" I'm not sure I want to be your friend. Gene Wilder perfectly embodies the ridiculousness of Willy Wonka and his magical world - any kid who sees it wants nothing more than to visit and take a big ol bite of a candy umbrella, as long as it doesn't get you shoved up a tube like that fatty Augustus. Gloopy never had a chance.

The "Augh, this part" moment: The entire beginning until they get to the factory.

"Don't worry, I'm only in one scene...cause my ungrateful son of a bitch son took his fucking Grandpa to the factory instead of me."

Yeeeah. Remember how Charlie has a whole family and stuff, and they're dirt poor and the mom sings about how her kid is depressed and hungry? "Cheer Up Charlie," or as we called it in my house, "Cheer upjieaceia;miw;aofjeiwaofjegaaoifjeeiwofw," because we fast forwarded that shit as soon as her boring face appeared on screen. We get it, he's sad and they're poor. BRING ON THE OOMPA LOOMPAS!!!

Exhibit B: The Sound of Music

Whether or not you're a fan of musicals, it's undeniable that this movie has permeated American culture to a ridiculous degree - everyone knows the song "My Favorite Things," whether or not you've seen the film. I defy you to find someone who can't at least hum "So Long, Farewell." Despite very little in the way of religious theme (I mean yeah, Julie Andrews was a nun, but then she dumped that crap to marry a hottie! Upgrade!), the movie always pops up as a classic around holiday time. I happily settle in for the three hours every time they air it.

The "Augh, this part" moment: The boring hour between Maria leaving the Von Trapps and coming back. Actually, really until the Nazi part blows up in their face.

"This glowing light is to keep you awake!"

That conniving ho Baroness Von Schroeder successfully convinces Maria that she's in love and has to leave, and Maria says "Yeah I guess that's cool," packs her shit and heads out the door. Then the slowest, boringest parts ensue: Reverend Mother sings, "Climb Every Mountain," the kids wander around being depressed and pissy at the Baroness, and then Maria comes back and in the most subdued and boring way possible shacks up with Captain Von Trapp.

"Why should Liesl be the only one hooking up in this gazebo?"

They sing a boring song to each other ("Something Good"), get married (where her supposed "friends" from the abbey sing "How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria" as she walks down the aisle. Really, bitches?) and then act all boring for awhile longer before Captain Vonny remembers how badass he is and starts fighting the Nazis. Then the real action starts back up! FUCKIN ROLF!!!

Exhibit C: Singin' in the Rain

One of the most perfect musicals - nay, films - ever made, this Gene Kelly wonder is just pure happiness. I'd rather watch Donald O'Connor goof around musically with his broad physical comedy songs than any of the skimpy booty shakin' them kids are into these days. It's a classic, and with good reason - Gene perfectly encapsulates those days when you're so thrilled, so happy with life, that even a pouring rainstorm can't wipe the smile off your face.


The "Augh, this part" moment: Broadway Melody.

"Oh you mean...THIS HAT? Jk, I don't actually have a single line in this film."

Or as you probably refer to it, "The weird part in the middle that doesn't really make any sense or have any place in the movie whatsoever." Gene Kelly is describing a musical number that's going to be in the movie within the movie - it turns into a fantasy sequence that lasts for-ev-er and does nothing to further the plot.

My serious and true guess is that two things happened: Number one, Gene Kelly said, "I'm co-directing this and I'll do whatever I want. I choreographed this song and it's going in the movie. I'm Gene Fucking Kelly." There isn't even a modern day equivalent to this guy - he was like a combo of James Cameron and Tom Cruise - in other words, you did what he wanted, no questions asked. Number two, Cyd Charisse said, "Hey, I'll be in this movie if you want." They had no other place for her, so she went into a dream sequence. Why not? Debbie Reynolds was enough for me, though, and I often find myself fast forwarding to get the characters back to the story.


Exhibit D: Gone With the Wind

Considered by some to be the greatest American film ever made. A sweepingly epic tale, telling the most American story of all - the Civil War. It's produced some of the most famous lines in movie history - Rhett telling Scarlett he frankly doesn't give a damn? Come on, people - that's screenwriting. The costumes, the camera work, the love story that unfolds over time...it gives me shivers just thinking about Vivien Leigh's big eyes staring up at Clark Gable, silently (and sometimes not so silently) begging him to love her.


The "Augh, this part" moment: All the parts with boring Ashley, boring Miss Mellie (except when she's givin birth to babies, which some people don't know nothin' bout), all the war and fire parts, and pretty much every part without Rhett and Scarlett together, except the parts when they're all happy and they have a kid cause that part's kinda lame too. Okay, honestly, all but like 50 minutes of this 4 hour film are kinda boring.

"I'm not sure why you think you're in love with me...I'm incredibly annoying and my name is ASHLEY."

"Now THIS - this is sexy and exciting. And my name is Rhett. That' s a damn man's name."

I bet a lot of the people who claim they've seen this entire movie are big fat liars, because it's actually really hard to sit through. It has its die-hard fans, but can they even really defend how long and drawn out things get? Scarlett's just a manic depressive narcissist, which is fun sometimes, but watching her sabotage her life for 3 hours can make you a little squirmy. Watching Rhett put her in her place is what makes it all worth it. Cause as far as the rest is concerned...frankly, I don't give a damn. (See what I did there?)

How about you, all 10 of my readers - what are your least favorite parts of your favorite movies? Leave it in the comments!

Wilmer Valderrama

Someone seriously needs to sit me down and explain the Valderrama phenomenon. I need to hear from a sane, rational person why this dude cleans up in the ladies department. Because I don't get it, and it really really pisses me off.

Let's just move directly to photo evidence.

Here is Wilmer.

Bahahaha.

He is famous for being on one show. It was on for 8 years. He was by far the most annoying character and did only one shtick the entire time.

Now, let's see who Wilmer has somehow managed to trick into dating him.

Ariana Richards

"It's okay, I won't be famous anymore in about 5 minutes."

Huh? Yes. It's Lex from Jurassic Park. Weird. I assume this relationship ended when she noticed his resemblance to a tricerotops with that hairdo. Clevahh giirl.

Mila Kunis

"I've made a huge mistake."

Okay, I get it. She was young, they had just started on a TV show together...she didn't realize yet that she was way hotter than him...it could happen to anyone. I assume one day she got smart, woke up and said "Hey - I can do SO MUCH BETTER!" Then promptly dumped him.

Jennifer Love Hewitt

"This is where our baby will go, Wilmer."

This one actually makes a lot of sense. She's proven herself to be desperate and needy as hell, so I assume she'd date the garbage man if he smiled at her nicely. I'll venture that Wilmer ended this one when she took him engagement ring shopping after 3 weeks of dating.

Mandy Moore

"This is what teen pop stars do, right? Get a famous boyfriend?"

Okay, I see how this one started. She had just gotten famous, didn't realize what was out there yet, some guy who's on a semi successful TV series shows some interest...it could happen to anyone. But it lasted a LONG time, which causes me to judge Miss Mandy. I assume this ended when even her C List movie career made her more famous than him and she dropped his ass like a sad sack of potatoes.

Lindsay Lohan

"This guy's WAY more mature than my last boyfriend Aaron Carter! See, I have a track record of good decision making!"

Auuugh. Here's the point where he started getting kinda skeevy, because Lindsay was only 17 when they started dating (he's about 6 years older). That's a kind of extreme age difference for a teenager, and they denied they were a couple until she turned 18 and then they magically started living together. At this point, he started becoming more famous for dating people than for being on TV. I assume this ended when Lindsay overheard Ashton tell Wilmer he had a thing but let's do something soon, and she realized she was suddenly much more famous than her unemployed boyfriend.

Ashlee Simpson

"My dad said it will make me more famous if I steal Lindsay Lohan's boyfriend."

I don't really care much about this one, because I can't be bothered to put much effort into worrying about someone named Ashlee. But he still wasn't doing anything in his life when they got together...I don't think being Punk'd qualifies as a success. She hopped on the bandwagon to piss off Li Lo, in my opinion. I assume this ended when her dad realized what a skeev bomb Wilmer was and forced them to break up.

Avril Lavigne

"Maybe this will help us both stay relevant."

I routinely forget Avril Lavigne exists, so I guess this one was fine. I assume it ended when they both realized it wasn't helping them get into any tabloids.

Okay, you're saying to yourself. He's not the greatest looking fella of all time, and he doesn't appear to have had a job in the last several years, but...nobody's perfect. Why a whole blog post devoted to hating him?

BECAUSE HE'S A SKEEVY ASSHOLE.

That there is a highlight of topics he discussed on the Howard Stern show back in 2006. He detailed his sexual relationships with most of these women (J Love Hew is an 8, for those of you wondering), talked about how long his man parts are, and just bragged in general about his Don Juan de Hollywood status. No, I didn't want to know you took Mandy Moore's virginity, or that Ashlee Simpson is a screamer in bed.

Holy tasteless asshole, batman. Are you kidding? In what part of any decent guy's brain do you go on national radio to talk about your sex life with ANYONE, let alone other famous women? How does it not occur to you that these women have families and friends who will hear this, along with - oh, I don't know, EVERYONE IN THE COUNTRY?!

Maybe he was just desperate because he hadn't had a steady income for awhile, but throwing your past relationships under the bus for a few minutes of people going, "Oh yeah, I remember that guy - wow, he must be a real asshole" doesn't seem worth it to me.

It seems to me most women would write him off forever after this. This brings us to our final picture and Wilmer's current flame:

Demi Lovato

"You approve of our relationship, right Luis Guzman?" "Girl don't bring me into this."

For those of you who might not be aware, Demi Lovato was a Disney channel star who had a highly publicized breakdown and was shipped off to rehab to deal with depression, self harming, bulimia, and some rumored drug issues. When she emerged fresh faced and ready to deal with the world, that apparently included shacking up with our dear ol' friend Wilmer. And I do mean ol'. There is a 12 year difference between these two. He's like Matthew McConaughey in Dazed and Confused (the joke about how he gets older, but the girls stay the same age), only it's REAL LIFE AND THESE ARE REAL PEOPLE. Stay classy, Wilmer.

Dear Demi, while I won't lie and say I have ever watched your Disney show or listened to your pop music, I am still a human being. Therefore I want to personally address you and say, GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS AND BREAK UP WITH THIS DOUCHEBAG. You've already dated the gayest Jonas brother, so we know your relationship compass doesn't exactly point due North. I'm no expert, but it seems like some guy who has already gone on national radio to exploit his girlfriends and publicly announce incredibly private details about them MIGHT NOT BE A WINNER. I DON'T KNOW. THIS IS JUST A GUESS.


So someone out there...can you explain it to me? Why he hasn't been forced into celebate monkhood yet? Why women still sign up for his "I banged that" club? Because I am at a loss.



PS I aint a thief. Most of these pictures came from this website.