Movie Things That Never Happen in Real Life

I love movies.  I love movies so much I went to school to major in loving movies.  I love good movies, I love bad movies, I love movies with happy endings and sad endings and all the kinds of endings in between.  I love movies.

HOWEVER.

There is some crap that goes down in movies that I am just tired of.  I'm tired of the movies thinking I'll just keep quiet about it.  I will not go quietly into the night, movie industry.  Your unrealistic scenes have gone FAR ENOUGH.  I am doing the brave thing and writing about it on a blog that 12 people total have ever read.

Now, when I say unrealistic, I don't mean aliens, or time travel, or superheroes, or what have you.  I suspend my disbelief happily for all of those things.  I mean the little things.  I mean things that just don't happen in real life, because they don't make any sense.


"I'll Have a Beer."

This line has been uttered in countless movies, in many situations.  Sometimes a dude in a movie had a rough day, maybe he broke up with his girlfriend, maybe he just got a crooked cop in trouble, maybe he's meeting a pal for a drink to talk about gals.  But when he says, "I'll have a beer," my soul dies a little.  Because everyone in real life knows what would happen after someone says that.  Everyone knows what line would realistically come next.

"Uh....what kind?"

"Otherwise it's just the most expensive one, douchebag."

There are approximately one billion different types of beer, with different flavors and costs and bottles and drafts and COME ON, screenwriters!  I know there's copyright stuff and all, but can't you just get Budweiser or Blue Moon or whoever to throw a couple of bucks into your movie so you can actually say the name of a beer brand?  Because "Generic Movie Beer" isn't exactly cutting it for some of us who like a little realism in our films!

Everyone Hangs Up on Their Friends

My real life phone conversations end a little something like this, from my end.  "Okay, well I've gotta go get these errands started.  Yeah.  Yup, you too.  Yeah, no later.  Okay.  Sounds good.  You too.  Bye."

Apparently movies don't believe anyone needs to be polite, because most phone calls end with, "Okay see you there."  DONE.  Hang up.  No pleasantries, no goodbye, no exchanges!  Just a click!  Some don't even have that!  It is shocking that anyone in movies still has friends.  

"Yeah, it's actually crazy how much I hate you!  I don't know how I haven't made it more clear!"

Nobody Ever Pees

Unless it's part of the plot somehow, nobody's ever sitting on a toilet or straddling a urinal in a movie.  I mean, intellectually I get this - it's not that interesting for anyone to run off to the bathroom for a few minutes while the other characters wait for them to come back.  But still!  Come on!  Even in movies when the action is taking place entirely over the course of a few hours or an entire day, noooboody seems to need a pee break.  There must be a lot of really rough and painful crotches running around in movies, man.  Bladder infections are no joke.  

UTI:  not just a poorly named school.

Drivers Actually Need to Watch the Road

I love a good meaningful gaze as much as the next person, but I also like to avoid car crashes.  It seems that's not as much a priority for people in movies.  

Harold and Kumar love rocking out to Wilson Philipps...AND CRASHING.

I understand acting usually requires interaction with another person, and feeding off their vibe and what not, but unfortunately in car scenes that usually means several seconds of prolonged eye contact while supposedly driving at the same time.  Now, it's been awhile since driver's ed, but I'm pretty sure "keep your eyes on the road" is a very basic and main thrust of the course content.  Romantic scenes are particularly guilty of this - a guy gazes longingly at the woman next to him, deep in love, while in real life their car would be hurtling towards the median, and if he survived, he'd be on his way to jail.  

Oblivious Parents

Subtitle:  The Time I Almost Punched a Baby


Okay, children are the worst.  We all know that, it's a scientific fact.  Much like periods attracting bears and the bible creation story according to Louisiana textbooks.  But sometimes a glaringly obvious fact goes overlooked - it's not actually their fault most of the time.  They're just little stupid young humans who don't know any better.  They do dumb crap because they are dumb.  Their tiny little brains aren't developed yet.

I don't have to wonder whose fault this is.  I've seen a little movie called Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.  The oompa loompas told me exactly who to blame:

THE MOTHER AND THE FATHER.

 

Or the mother and mother, father and father, aunt and uncle, whatever.  I'm all about the modern families.  

 

 

 

Today, I am not going to talk about the little nightmares who knock everything off the shelves in supermarkets, or who run around screaming in restaurants.  Those are just really obviously terrible children with asshole parents.  It's a given.  (Fear not, my two fans, I won't rule it out for a further longer entry of how they are the worst.)  Nay, today I intend to talk about parents who might not be all-the-time assholes, but they are OBLIVIOUS, and this makes them temporary assholes.

So here's the story.  I was leaving the office today, heading down to the subway.  Everyone else in Manhattan was also leaving work at that hour.  We were all in a rush to get home or a restaurant.  One might say it was rush hour (the time, not the knee-slapping hilarious film starring Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker).

 

To be fair, real life rush hour is nowhere near as painful as the sequels.

 

Everyone was rushing through the halls, and down the stairs - all except a guy and his little toddler daughter.  

 

Now, everyone knows that  toddlers walking is one of the cutest things ever.  Trying to go down stairs?  On their wee little wobbly legs?  Adorable!  Love it.  EXCEPT WHEN I AM TRYING TO CATCH A TRAIN.

 

They weren't even taking up just a little part of the stairs.  She was holding onto his hand and he was standing like two feet away.  There were like 10 people crowded in a little clusterfuck behind them, trying to get by.  Everyone approached the stairs with manic rage, like, "WHAT THE HELL!??! WHY IS THIS STAIRWELL GOING SO SLO---Ohhhh god damn.  There's a tiny adorable baby wobbling down the stairs.  COME ON MAN."

I'm all for teaching kids independence and walking and learning and shit.  But COME ON, you can't grab the kid and pick her up while you're walking down a midtown Manhattan subway staircase at 6:03 pm???  Use your brain!  You're lucky nobody stepped on that child in a mad rush to catch the train!  I'm so happy she's using her tiny little chubby legs to navigate the world of vertical walking, but IS NOW THE TIME????

The end of the story is that just as I managed to slip by this child (and almost pushed over an old lady in the process - no regrets), the train doors slammed shut in my face.  I missed the train by about 1 second.  I turned around to see the cause of my problem, and then I PUNCHED HER IN HER TINY ADORABLE LITTLE FACE.

Just kidding.  I went home and wrote a blog about it.

 

 

Unreasonably Attractive People

This will be an abridged version of a post - I may be doing a few shorter ones more often, thanks to a helpful email from my sister:  "Remember when you used to have a blog?" 

So for my one fan, let's talk about Unreasonably Attractive People.  The key word here is "unreasonably."  Young hot movie stars exist to be attractive.  Their attractiveness is reasonable.  I am speaking of people who are unreasonably attractive.  Their attractiveness defies reason.  You look at them and think, this person should not be that attractive for _______ reason.  So yes, this will be a post of my jealousy and insecurity.



Andie MacDowell

Now, this particular lady started out as a hot young actor, much like those I previously referred to.  30 years ago, she was a young twenty something just entering the film scene.  My first memory of her is as gorgeous Dr. Dale Biberman (although I definitely thought it was Beaverman until I just looked it up on IMDB), subject of Emilio Estevez's obsession in classic Brat Pack film St. Elmo's Fire.  Let's take a look at Ms. MacDowell here:

"That's right, AND I'm a DOCTOR!"

Lovely.  Gorgeous.  Who wouldn't stalk that, right?  If she were a President, she'd be Baberaham Lincoln.  Now, if Andie MacDowell had any decency, she would have aged like a normal human being and gotten older.  However, apparently Andie did not feel the need to confine herself to normal homo sapien standards.  Because Bitch.  Did.  Not.  Age.

Let's look at the evidence.  8 or so years later, she was in the American classic Groundog Day.  Playing Rita, the subject of  Bill Murray's obsession (are we sensing a trend here?), a cheerful weather producer. 

"You speak French?"  "Oui."

Look at this crap.  Even in a disgusting vest, Andie MacDowell still looks totally amazing circa 1993.  I'd fall in love with her and spend like 600 days doing it too.  Come on.  She's perfect.

But we can excuse this, right?  It's only 8 years later.  Maybe she was pretty diligent about skincare during those years.  Wore hats and sunscreen.  It's totally understandable.  Let's fast forward.  A lot.  Like 20 years.

Ladies and gentlemen, Andie MacDowell at the Cannes film festival in May 2012:

That's right, complete with boob peeks.

 

 

WHAT SORCERY IS THIS????  There are only a few explanations for this.  1)  Andie MacDowell bathes in the blood of murdered virgins.  2)  Andie MacDowell has a deal with Satan.  3)  ANDIE MACDOWELL IS A WITCH.  

 

She kind of looks fresher and younger than she did 20 years ago.  L'Oreal is probably the smartest company in the world, hiring her to hawk their products, convincing women if they just buy magical conditioner or a special face cream, they will be as well-preserved as Andie "Sorceress" MacDowell.  I'd sacrifice a baby to look like her when I'm in my 50's.  What the shit, Andie???  Why are you more attractive at 54 than I have ever been or will ever be at any age??? Conclusion:  UNREASONABLY ATTRACTIVE.

 

 

Other unreasonably attractive people, for this abridged post:

 

Malia and Sasha Obama

Paul Rudd 

Stacey Dash (something unholy went down on the set of Clueless, and Paul Rudd/Stacey Dash/Donald Faison all made a blood pact with a demon that as long as they never told anyone, they wouldn't age)

Meryl Streep

Chloe Grace Moretz

Daniel Craig

 

 

 

    

People Who Are Terrible at Doors

You know what they say about doors.  Windows to the soul.  Opening to the house.  Entrance to the room.  Band from the 70's with Jim Morrison.  Doors are great - they provide privacy, keep in warmth or cold, they slam really satisfyingly when you are leaving the room during an argument. 

There are also a shocking number of people in the world who suck at using them.

Pull or Push.  It's Hard.

We've all been there.  You approach a door with confidence and aplomb, you reach out your hand triumphantly, you grip the handle, give a yank, and...nothing.  You were mid-stride, and now if you haven't already crashed into the door, you look like an idiot anyway.  Red-faced, you push instead, pray not too many people saw you, and go about your day.

Truly one of life's greatest struggles.

UNLESS.  Unless you are one of the failures who for some reason is so, so sure that you were correct the first time.  Your confidence was just in such ship-shape today that you know there's just no way you were not supposed to pull on that door.  You continue to pull, and pull, despite a crowd queuing up behind you, and you remain so sure that you're correct, all the while ignoring the fact that you are ruining countless lives at this moment.  Sometimes a helpful bystander tries to speak up.  "Uh - it's...push."  If you hear them, you usually give a look somewhere between, "Oh God, this is humiliating" and "Fuck you dude, I TOTALLY knew that."  If you don't hear it, you continue to make everyone's lives terrible with your stupidity and ego.

Oh, Did You Also Want to Go Through This Door?


When a bunch of people need to go through the same door, all in a row, there are certain codes of etiquette you follow.  Sure, there's the old standard of holding open a door for someone, whether it's allowing them to go through first, or holding it open behind you - but if someone is right there, so close there's no need to hold it open, most people give the door a little push to open it wider.  Those are nice people.

You know who are not nice people?  The douchebags behind them who slip through the door without touching it at all.  They take advantage of the kindness in front of them, and fail to pass it on.  Because I'm a lucky gal, I often find myself right behind these people.  They whisk through the door with ease, oblivious or uncaring that anyone is behind them, and then it slams in my face.  Let's review, since this can be hard to picture.

 Glass on your face actually doesn't feel great, contrary to popular belief.

 

Nice person enters a door, pushes it open behind them.
Terrible person slips through, failing to push or hold it open
Door slams shut behind them
I want to murder them

This one is extra offensive because it requires a real level of asshole not to understand that people are behind you during the morning rush.  When a door slams shut in my face, and I have to pull it open, everyone behind ME is now off their game, and we all want to kill you.  Happy now?

Hmmm....I've Walked Through a Door...What Now?

This is most often a tourist offense.  When you're lucky enough to work in a building famous enough for people to come visit it as a tourist attraction like me, you run into these people a lot.  They open a door, and you'd think they'd just stepped into technicolor Oz.  Open mouthed, they stop walking, look up and all around, hands reaching for camera, while you, the poor sucker behind them, are just trying to get to your office.

"Do you think we're blocking anyone?"  "Nah, I don't think that many people live here in New York City."

I'm not hating on tourists - I get it, cool buildings are neat to look at - but have the common decency to take a few more steps in before stopping short in your TRACKS to take photos!  Good lord, it's not that difficult!  And God help you if this happens at the top or bottom of an escalator - if I'm behind you, I will shove you out of my way with no remorse.  You are actually endangering the lives of people behind you, because we are on a conveyor belt of stairs that won't stop, even if you do.


Doors have been around for thousands of years.  It's actually kind of remarkable that there are people who still haven't figured out how they work and how to use them like decent human beings.  I hate everyone.

Crazy Monty Python Fans

So, I have a confession to make.  I don't really like to tell people this until I've known them awhile and I've already won them over with my charming wit and astounding intelligence.  It's really hard to know how people will react.  But I trust you, dear 3 people who read this blog, enough to tell you the truth:


I don't really like Monty Python.

I know.  Sorry guys.  But you do all have really good judgey faces.

Whew.  I'm glad I got that out.

But note that I didn't name this one "Is there anything worse than....Monty Python."  Because there are TONS of things worse than Monty Python.  Things you could find by just scrolling down, actually.  I don't think it's AWFUL, it's just not my thing.  But some people have a major fucking problem with that.  So I submit for approval to the midnight society:  a conversation with a crazy Monty Python fan, and within it, proof of why they are the worst thing ever.


Me:  Yeah, I don't know, I just don't think it's my thing.

Monty Python Fan (MPF): What do you mean it's not your thing?

Me:  I just think it's kind of...I don't know.  I don't really laugh a lot when I watch their stuff.

MPF:  You probably just don't get it.  It's okay.

Me:  No...I get it....I mean I intellectually understand why others find it funny.  I just don't.

MPF:  But you might not just get British humor.  Or should I say, humOUR!

Me:  Umm...you should NOT say that.

MPF:  But it is a British thing.  It's okay.  Some people just don't get the sense of humor the Brits have.

Me:  Once again - I GET IT.  I understand why you think it's funny.  I just do not.  It's not my type of humor.

MPF:  Hmmm.  OH, I know what must be wrong.  Have you seen Life of Brian?

Me:  Yeah.

MPF:  You have?

Me:  Yeah.

MPF:  And you still don't think it's funny.

Me:  No, not really.

MPF:  What about the part where he's like, talking to the crowd, telling them to be individuals and follow their own ideas, and then they all like respond in unison?

Me:  What about it?

MPF:  That was so funny.  See, because he's TELLING them to be individual, and then they respond as--

Me:  No, I got it.

MPF:  But you didn't like it?

Me:  I mean, not really.

MPF:  Hm.  Oh!  Oh oh oh.  I got it.  Here we go.  I found the problem.  You haven't seen The Holy Grail!  Once you see that, you'll change your----

Me:  No, I've seen it.

MPF:  You've seen Monty Python and the Holy Grail?

Me:  Yeah.

MPF:  What the hell could you POSSIBLY dislike about that movie?  It's fucking genius.

Me:  I'll thank you to watch your language around me.   I didn't hate it or anything.  I just didn't find it as hysterical as a lot of people do.  I even saw Spamalot on Broadway and thought that was pretty lame too.

MPF:  How could you not find it funny!  Did you see the part where he's like, "I fart in your general direction!"

Me:  Yeah.

MPF:  And that was hysterical, right?

Me:  I dunno.  I don't think announcing farts is that funny in general.

MPF:  Okay okay, so you don't like fart jokes.  What about when the guy is like "She turned me into a Newt!"  "A newt?!"  "I got bettah!"  Or when he's like pretending to ride the horse and the other guy is making the horse noises!

Me:  Yup.  Saw that part too.

MPF:  So that's like the best part.

Me:  Is it?  That's pretty sad.

MPF:  Listen, you fucking idiot.  How can you not like it?  It's so hilarious!

Me:  You don't have to get angry.  Like I said, it's just not my thing.  I respect if others like it.

MPF:  Okay, okay.  You're not a fan of the movies.  But surely you love Flying Circus!

Me:  Umm...

MPF:  No.  Don't say it.

Me:  I'm sorry.

MPF:  You don't like Flying Circus?

Me:  To be fair, I haven't seen as much of it as the other stuff.  But what I've seen...I mean...I dunno.  Men dress up as women.  Ha ha.  English men dress up as French men.  Ha ha.  It's....just kind of simple to me.

MPF:  You just don't get all the British society jokes they're making.

Me:  I think I catch most of it.

MPF:  No you don't.  You fucking American.

Me:  Aren't you American?

MPF:  Yes, but I have very British sensibilities.

Me:  Ok.

MPF:  YOU THINK YOU'RE SO FUCKING SMART DON'T YOU??

Me:  I don't think it's a matter of intelligence.

MPF:  YEAH you do.  You think you're fucking better than all the Monty Python fans, with your intellectual humor, but really, YOU'RE the idiot!  You don't RESPECT what they did for the world of comedy!!!

Me:  Sure I do.  I just don't really think it's that funny, personally.  I like some of the stuff the guys have done outside of Monty Python, if that helps.

MPF:  Psh, yeah?  Like WHAT.

Me:  I like A Fish Called Wanda.  And..um...Casper.  Shrek?

MPF:  Fuck you you fucking jerk.  The only explanation is that you don't have a sense of humor.  That must be it.

Me:  Sure I do.  I find lots of things funny.

MPF:  Oh yeah?  Like what?  Fucking stupid shit, I bet.  I bet you fucking like Dane Cook.

Me:  Um, well, I like shows like Parks and Recreation and 30 Rock.  And Community.  And Louie?

MPF:  Fuckin' snob, is what you are.

Me:  I mean yeah, I guess I do think their jokes are less "obvious" than Monty Python, if you want to put it that way.

MPF:  The fuck is that supposed to mean?

Me:  I just don't know if you have to think that much to get a Monty Python joke.  A guy makes a weird face, people fart.  And like, ugly peasant people shouting things at an oblivious king.  Or something.  I don't know, it's just kind of broad.  And that's fine for some people, I just don't like it that much.

MPF:  Fuck you.

Me:  I'm glad we were able to have a civil and rational conversation about this.

Commuting on the Subway...PART TWO

In the months since my first rant about the subway, I've had some time to reflect.  Some time to look inward.  Some time to look in the mirror and say, "Hey - what about you?  Could you be part of the problem?  Are you being too harsh on people who are just trying to get to work, like you are?  Should you give them another chance?"

We deal with mostly the same problems, he and I.

No.  The resounding, unanimous answer that I came up with is no.  Because in those months, I've actually discovered that the subway is even worse than I thought.  Read on if you dare.


Yankees Fans

 I've been a New Yorker for about 9 years now, and have been admonished a number of times for never making the choice.  You know, the choice every New Yorker has to make.  The one that says which side you're on.  Who your allies are.  Where your enemies lie.  And I have to say, I just never cared much to decide.  I didn't have any dog in the fight.  Why pick?  It seemed silly.  It was like N* SYNC vs. Backstreet Boys.  I could never decide there, either.  They both serve their purpose!  They both have their moments!  They both want me back after I broke up with them, and want to express it musically.  Can't we all just get along?

Well thanks to commuting on the subway, I have made a choice, folks.  GO.  METS.  Fuck the fucking Yankees.    

Why?  Because I'm lucky enough to live off the subway line that takes you to Yankee Stadium.  And I've been forced to confront the fact that the Yankees have THE DUMBEST FANS TO EVER RIDE THE SUBWAY.  DEAR LORD.

Callous, unfeeling BASTARDS.

They do not know how to stand on the subway to maximize space.  This is problematic since around the time I am leaving work, it's rush hour anyway.  The Yankers fill up subway cars with astonishing speed.  I can't describe to you the depression I feel when the subway finally pulls into the station, grinds to a halt, and the doors open, only to reveal a bumbling mass of navy and white stripes and absolutely no more room for even one more person.

It's not just the space they take up.  That would be bad enough.  But no, they stumble around like fools when people need to get on or off around them.  They are very often DRUNK and LOUD, with absolutely no respect for people who are just trying to get home from a long work day.  They don't give a crap if there are children around.  They have no concept of other people's space or existence.  They are rude, stupid, oblivious fools.   

I understand most of them don't ride the subway very often, if ever.  But when in Rome, DO AS THE FUCKING NEW YORKERS DO!  Come on, it is not that hard to figure out how to step aside and let someone by, so they don't have to physically shove you out of their way.  Do I get a little bit of pleasure out of it?  Maybe!  But that's not the point!

Ergo I am a Mets fan.  Long live the Mets.

Oh my god, this is literally like the first 10 results that come up when you google Mets fans.  This is the saddest, most pathetic thing I have ever seen.

Men and their Junk

I don't want to get too graphic here.  I don't know what it's like to have male parts.  But I do know what it's like to have lady parts, and I can tell you that they're not always that convenient either.  However, my ladyparts inconvenience rarely TAKES UP AN ENTIRE TWO SEATS ON THE SUBWAY BECAUSE I'M AN ASSHOLE.

 

You aren't exempt, you old bastard.  Shut those legs.  Don't give me that look.

COME ON!  Your man sitting stance is ruining EVERYONE'S LIVES.  If there are only HALF the correct number of seats on the subway, can you see how that might be a problem?  Squeeze your damn knees together and suffer like the rest of us, boys.  Your balls can handle the trip.

Subway Performers (Dance Style)

Let's just get the disclaimer out of the way first:  yes, there are WAY WORSE ways to make money.  I respect the fact that it's an honest way of earning cash.   And I'm not saying they're not talented.  They could easily star in a moving about stepping up.

But I also do not want to fear getting kicked in the face while I'm trying to go home from work.  So there's that.

See how thrilled everyone is....?

I'll say it again - it's not that I'm not impressed!  Great job, young people.  You are super flexible and strong.  No, I cannot hold myself up on a subway pole like that.  You sure are amazing.  But it's just not my chosen venue, you know?  The subways are crowded to begin with, and when someone asks you to move aside so they can spin themselves on their own heads...it feels a little tedious.  Come on.  Just keep your legs to yourself.  Please don't kick me in the face.  Please.  I don't have any extra money to give you anyway.  I'm sorry.

I'm sure there's only more to come.  Be prepared for Volume 3 sometime soon.

Hangovers

Despite what Bradley Cooper, Zach Galifianakis and Ed Helms show us in the movies, hangovers in real life are not all hijinks and getting stalked by drug dealers and marrying strippers.  Well, maybe some people's are, but mine definitely aren't.  They are a several hours-long misery fest of shame and sadness.  What makes them so terrible?

Disclaimer:  from what I understand, hangovers are like snowflakes.  No, not refreshing and delightful - but no two are the same.  I'm just going on my own morning after drinking experiences here.

Dehydration

His came from working out, mine came from drinking.  But who lost more weight?  Check and mate.

The morning after a rough night, there is literally not enough water on this planet we call Earth to satiate me.  It starts the moment you wake up - it feels like someone forced you to have that spit-sucking thing the dentist uses in your mouth while you slept.  It is maybe the worst way to start any day.  Water never seems cold or plentiful enough, but your stomach is too weird to drink it fast anyway, so it kind of seems like a pointless endeavor.  All you can do is lie on the couch and watch The Fugitive (widely known as the best hangover movie ever of all time).


Headache

 Give in, lady - only Harrison Ford and Tommy Lee Jones can help.

 
Have you ever had someone beat you repeatedly in the head with a hammer?  Me either, but I expect it's pretty much the same as a hangover headache.  The dull but constant thud of endless pain that never seems like it's going away.  Water?  Whatever.  Advil?  Hah.  Nice try, idiot.  Your Hangover Headache cares not for your feeble human attempts at control!

Nausea

Pull your hair back, AMATEUR!!

If there's throwing up, it usually comes in the middle of the night for me (TMI?  Welcome to my blog, newcomers!), but I know that sometimes there's some residual tummy issues the next day.  The nausea is similar to the headache - sort of a dull, constant thing threatening to ruin your life at any moment.  There's a sort of churning inside, and you're not really sure when it's going to happen or even if it will, but you don't want to stray far from a toilet just in case.  And of course, there's always the likely possibility it'll come out the other end, leading me to our next point....

Diarrhea

I don't really know the story behind this photo, but maybe if you're holding a beer on the toilet you should be rethinking some of your life choices.  And what's with the white box - is he slowly being erased from the photograph because he went back in time and changed stuff so that he wouldn't be born?

If the puking paragraph didn't drive you away, perhaps this delightful subject will.  Much like reality stars, I didn't come here to make friends, okay?  I came here to WIN.  The internet.  With my honesty.  So let's talk about post-drinking poo.  Obviously, alcohol is a kind of poison, which is why your body so wholeheartedly rejects it in every way.  Your digestive tract doesn't escape this hellish assault, and it's a safe bet that before hangover's end, you will need to spend some quality time with a toilet.  This particular bullet is pretty tempting to put in the "pro" column, though, because let's be real - there is nothing more satisfying then expelling all of last night's poison.  You feel pretty awesome after.  

See?  I didn't get that graphic.

 
Food:  Cure or Mortal Enemy?

 I will either make you feel awesome or send you back to bed all day.  The choice is yours and yours alone.

Everyone has their own go-to hangover meal - experts feel some protein is probably a good idea to help soak  up the sugars, but obviously there's a ton of variations on that advice.  Bacon egg and cheese sandwiches are a grand tradition, along with greasy omelettes, tuna melts, and cheeseburgers.  Sometimes it makes you feel 100% better, like a new man - those days are the best.  But every once in awhile your cure hits your stomach the wrong way, and, well....just look to the above two paragraphs.

People Who "Just Never Get Them!"

 "Maybe I just don't drink as much as you."  "Shut up."

Inevitably, if you can pull yourself together enough during your hangover to make human contact, you will complain of your plight to whoever will listen.  And also inevitably, one of your friends will respond, "Oooh, sucks.  So weird, I never get them!"  Why?  Why would you say that to someone suffering?  Do you say, "Oooh, that sucks, I don't have it" to your friend who just got diagnosed with cancer?  (YES IT'S SIMILAR.)  No!  Because it's rude!  They don't need to hear that!  I'm sooooooo happy that your body is totes chill with whatever alcohol concoctions you put into it, but some of us just aren't as lucky, okay?  So keep your perfect Sunday morning of delightful hangover-free existence to yourself!

It's Your Fault, You Loser

 So, this picture came up when I searched "shame on you" in google, but I had to post it, because, REALLY Winona, you're gonna tell me about what's shameful while you willingly put on overalls as your entire outfit?  That's not even remotely sexy, now or in 1995 when people wore overalls.  You just look like you woke up naked in a plow field and stole the only clothing you could find in the farmer's shed.

Let's get down to the real reason why hangovers are the worst - you have nobody to blame but yourself.  Unless your friends like strapped you down and forced alcohol down your throat, in which case, that's actually assault and you should probably talk to the police and get some new friends or something.  But for most of us, the shame is all our own - you ordered that 4th drink, you moron.  You had a sip of someone's gin and tonic while you held your wine in the other hand.  You DRANK LIQUOR AFTER BEER, STUPIDFACE!   What is wrong with you?  Why would you do this to yourself!?  Why are you so dumb!?  You can complain all you want, but when you look in the mirror the culprit is staring right back at you.  And you tell yourself this will never happen again.  You'll make better decision next time.  Things will really start to turn around after this.  Hah.  Right.