Megan Fox

So here I was, lazing about, watching TV, and I said to myself, “I should update that blog about things I hate again.” But what would the topic be? I’ve had kind of a mellow week. Not much going on to rant about. No problem, I said, just think of something standard. Something easy. Something that’s always around to hate on. I know, Megan Fox!

Then I realized I had never actually seen a Megan Fox movie. This would be a problem, since I assumed most of my argument would involve her being a shitty actress who only gets paid to look pretty. I mean, Transformers and its sequel are terrible movies, by all accounts, and she is terrible in them, but how could I write anything based on hearsay? So I pulled up Hulu to find what I could on her, and lo and behold, her Saturday Night Live episode was available for me.

Auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh.

I kind of felt like Patton Oswalt attempting the KFC Famous Bowl. I knew it would be terrible, but I had to do it to prove I was right.

Here’s the thing, I actually did chuckle a few times, but not at anything Megan said. She actually didn’t do much talking at all. Most of the skits and opening monologue were based on her being hot. And this fits neatly into why I already knew I hated her. I don’t think she’s completely useless, the girl can string a sentence together, but she certainly makes a whole lot of choices that aren’t showcasing anything but her fake boobs, nose, lips, etc. She also has this little girl baby voice that drives me really insane, but that’s neither here nor there. Pretty much any time I see her in a magazine, being interviewed, insisting she’s smart and people don’t give her a chance, the article is accompanied by pictures of her mostly naked, posing seductively with that weird mouth half open look that women seem to favor too much these days.

I'm hungry! FEED ME!

Romping around on the covers of FHM and Maxim is fine if you’re just going to model, but why are you insisting that acting is your craft and it’s what you want to do with your life? Who are we fooling? I do think there are women who are gorgeous and sexy who are fantastic actresses, some of whom have graced the cover of men’s magazines themselves. I’m not saying you can’t be sexy and talented. I’m just saying Megan Fox isn’t.

I don’t think I’m alone - I feel like in the last year or so, there’s been a big Megan Fox backlash, beginning after Jennifer’s Body crashed hard at the box office. Jonah Hex came and crashed even harder. Her reviews for almost every movie have been shitty (even her own co-star Mickey Rourke said their movie was a piece of crap and insulted her in the process).

I guess it’s some consolation that apparently even though she’s a stone cold fox (ha, ha, ha), people aren’t particularly interested in seeing her flounce around a screen unless she’s accompanied by giant robots a la Optimus Prime. And it seems she’s ruined her chance at doing that anymore, since they recast the female lead in the Transformers movies after she made some nasty comments about director Michael Bay, comparing him to Hitler. According to rumors, executive producer Steven Spielberg got pissed and booted her. You need to seriously question your life choices when you want to work in Hollywood and Mr. Steven Spielberg now hates you. Bye bye sweetie!

I hope when my career fails, this adorable child is there to wave goodbye to me too.

She does have Friends With Kids coming up, with co stars who generally act circles around her (Kristen Wiig, Jon Hamm, Adam Scott, etc.), so maybe she’ll totally shock me and hold her own in a film that isn’t about her boobs. But frankly, I won’t hold my breath. I think she should just stick to what she’s good at. Posing like she wants a sandwich, being inexplicably married to people who were only famous in 1994, and getting plastic surgery. Cause America doesn’t seem to want much more from her than that.

Overly Talky Employees

One might quickly extrapolate a few things from this blog fairly quickly. Even if you’re a casual reader who’s not preparing for a reading comprehension quiz, I think it would be pretty easy to pick up a few things. I’m tall. I’m cranky. And above all, I don’t really like people too much. This last item is something I think I make fairly clear most of the time, with body language, headphones, avoided eye contact, you know the deal. Reading over this, I kind of feel like I’m confessing some kind of disorder. Mental note, research social diseases. Anyway. I think I make it abundantly clear I’m not craving any attention. Most people get the hint. Except for one special special group.

“Can I help you with something?”

“Finding everything okay?”

“Something in particular you’re looking for?”

The parasitic work force of America ruins my life on a weekly basis. Thing is, I’m pretty capable of finding sweaters, shirts, jeans and any other casual or formalwear my heart desires allll on my own. I don’t actually need the assistance of anyone to rifle through a stack of clothing. Shocking, I know. I can even locate groceries and stuff too! (Trader Joe's employees, I’m looking at you.)

Yes, a google image search for "helpful employee" does indeed return a bootleg version of Tina Fey and Amy Poehler falling in love over a chance meeting of trail mix.

Now I know some of you might say, hey, employees are required to ask people if they need help. It’s part of their job! That’s fine, I’m not here to jam anyone up in their place of business. But when I give a clear, concise “Nope, I’m fine thanks,” I expect that to be the end of our short sweet relationship. If you can’t read the signal that I don’t want you hovering over me while I paw through items, I no longer feel the need to be nice to you. I will continue to make it crystal clear that I do not want your help. And if that makes you cry, lady from American Eagle, well that’s just tough toenails.

The “may I help you?” breed is the most common of overly talky employees, but there’s another rare group - those who are far too committed to their job, and want to chat with you, the innocent patron, about it.

“Yeah, have you seen the buy one get one free sale? People have been going CRAZY with that, but I mean - it really is such a good deal!”

“Can you believe that’s all your total comes to? That’s what happens when you shop at Trader Joes!” (actual conversation that happened to me)

Okay, guess it's part of their training.

I guess if you like where you work, great for you. You’re living the dream. But do you need to verbally assault your dream onto me while I’m forcing a grin and waiting for you to hand me my change? Come on, man. Gimme a break.

I can’t wait to be an old lady. There’s a point where you reach a certain age, and society just kind of says, eh, whatever. You can be a mean curmudgeon and people will just roll their eyes and chalk it up to bitterness in the twilight years. It’s a big free pass, I suppose, as a reward for having seen so much in this crazy world. When I get there, I’m going to tell all those salespeople and cashiers to leave me alone and shove it. Til then…

Livin' the dream.

Uneven Couples

Long ago, someone decided that everyone in the world could be placed on a scale of 1-10 in terms of attractiveness. I assume this was etched out in the caves somewhere around the mesozoic era, when the hunter/gatherers were choosing which ladies to club over the head and drag back to their dens.

BROntosaurus approves. Get it? BRO? That wit is called a masters degree, folks.

It stands to reason that generally, folks in the world should match up - 10s would shack up with other 10s, 2s with other 2s, and so on. Perhaps there's a few points' discrepancy here and there, with an 8 lucky enough to land a 9 or a 6 dating down to a 4. But overall, things should even out.

Disclaimer: I admit this is a very heteronormative conversation. I will do some research and make a follow up LGBT post on this subject as well. I'm assuming the Oscar-award winning film She's Out of My League will be involved in my studies. Stay tuned.

Anyway, the overall "things should even out" law of physics is why I find it so upsetting when certain couples choose to throw off the balance of the universe by dating several points above or below their own attractiveness. There's just something that seems so...off about it. I want to stop them and say, "What is going on here? Is he rich? Epically funny? Please, sit me down and explain this situation."

You'll notice I used "he" to describe the lower-numbered mate in this couple. This is because in my scientific calculations, 99.9% of the uneven couples in the world depict a woman dating down. You all know what I'm talking about - the supermodels dating silicon valley multimillionaires, hot ladies jumping all over Adam Duritz in the 90's, Christie Brinkley and Billy Joel...the list goes on.

Now, take a minute and try to think of a super hot guy dating down to a fugly gal. Seriously, try. If you can think of any, please leave a comment. The closest I came is Hugh Jackman's wife Deborah Lee Furness, but in all fairness a) she's not THAT bad, and b) she seems like someone who was probably a hottie when she was younger. And there are all those gay rumors about him...just saying.

Oh come on, nobody is attractive when they eat.

I remember catching an episode of Days of Our Lives years ago with my mom, and seeing one of the loving couples kissing. The woman was short, heavy, and middle aged. The guy was young and virile and looked like every other actor on a soap opera. I can actually recall thinking, "This isn't right," because my young brain had already been socialized to understand that hot men do not, under almost any circumstances, get with lesser ladies - ESPECIALLY if they're a bit on the chubby side. I can just hear his chiseled soap opera buddies saying, "Her?"

I'm not necessarily saying women are not shallow. I went to high school. I saw which guys were getting laid and which weren't. But there is something different about the sexes. Maybe women are more willing to overlook a few extra pounds if a guy is really funny? Really sweet? Really rich? What is it? I don't know! But they're ruining it everyone else. They're throwing off the delicate balance of the universe, and making guys think it's okay for them to be super picky and judgmental of women, because hey, even Jamie Cullum married a supermodel.

Him?

So when I walk down the street and see a 10 and a 4 hand in hand, it's hard to hide my disgust/curiosity/annoyance. It truly makes me irate in a way I can't explain. Maybe this is my own weird issue, but whatever. You can get your own blog and write about the strange shit that pisses you off.