People Who Are Terrible at Doors

You know what they say about doors.  Windows to the soul.  Opening to the house.  Entrance to the room.  Band from the 70's with Jim Morrison.  Doors are great - they provide privacy, keep in warmth or cold, they slam really satisfyingly when you are leaving the room during an argument. 

There are also a shocking number of people in the world who suck at using them.

Pull or Push.  It's Hard.

We've all been there.  You approach a door with confidence and aplomb, you reach out your hand triumphantly, you grip the handle, give a yank, and...nothing.  You were mid-stride, and now if you haven't already crashed into the door, you look like an idiot anyway.  Red-faced, you push instead, pray not too many people saw you, and go about your day.

Truly one of life's greatest struggles.

UNLESS.  Unless you are one of the failures who for some reason is so, so sure that you were correct the first time.  Your confidence was just in such ship-shape today that you know there's just no way you were not supposed to pull on that door.  You continue to pull, and pull, despite a crowd queuing up behind you, and you remain so sure that you're correct, all the while ignoring the fact that you are ruining countless lives at this moment.  Sometimes a helpful bystander tries to speak up.  "Uh - it's...push."  If you hear them, you usually give a look somewhere between, "Oh God, this is humiliating" and "Fuck you dude, I TOTALLY knew that."  If you don't hear it, you continue to make everyone's lives terrible with your stupidity and ego.

Oh, Did You Also Want to Go Through This Door?


When a bunch of people need to go through the same door, all in a row, there are certain codes of etiquette you follow.  Sure, there's the old standard of holding open a door for someone, whether it's allowing them to go through first, or holding it open behind you - but if someone is right there, so close there's no need to hold it open, most people give the door a little push to open it wider.  Those are nice people.

You know who are not nice people?  The douchebags behind them who slip through the door without touching it at all.  They take advantage of the kindness in front of them, and fail to pass it on.  Because I'm a lucky gal, I often find myself right behind these people.  They whisk through the door with ease, oblivious or uncaring that anyone is behind them, and then it slams in my face.  Let's review, since this can be hard to picture.

 Glass on your face actually doesn't feel great, contrary to popular belief.

 

Nice person enters a door, pushes it open behind them.
Terrible person slips through, failing to push or hold it open
Door slams shut behind them
I want to murder them

This one is extra offensive because it requires a real level of asshole not to understand that people are behind you during the morning rush.  When a door slams shut in my face, and I have to pull it open, everyone behind ME is now off their game, and we all want to kill you.  Happy now?

Hmmm....I've Walked Through a Door...What Now?

This is most often a tourist offense.  When you're lucky enough to work in a building famous enough for people to come visit it as a tourist attraction like me, you run into these people a lot.  They open a door, and you'd think they'd just stepped into technicolor Oz.  Open mouthed, they stop walking, look up and all around, hands reaching for camera, while you, the poor sucker behind them, are just trying to get to your office.

"Do you think we're blocking anyone?"  "Nah, I don't think that many people live here in New York City."

I'm not hating on tourists - I get it, cool buildings are neat to look at - but have the common decency to take a few more steps in before stopping short in your TRACKS to take photos!  Good lord, it's not that difficult!  And God help you if this happens at the top or bottom of an escalator - if I'm behind you, I will shove you out of my way with no remorse.  You are actually endangering the lives of people behind you, because we are on a conveyor belt of stairs that won't stop, even if you do.


Doors have been around for thousands of years.  It's actually kind of remarkable that there are people who still haven't figured out how they work and how to use them like decent human beings.  I hate everyone.

Crazy Monty Python Fans

So, I have a confession to make.  I don't really like to tell people this until I've known them awhile and I've already won them over with my charming wit and astounding intelligence.  It's really hard to know how people will react.  But I trust you, dear 3 people who read this blog, enough to tell you the truth:


I don't really like Monty Python.

I know.  Sorry guys.  But you do all have really good judgey faces.

Whew.  I'm glad I got that out.

But note that I didn't name this one "Is there anything worse than....Monty Python."  Because there are TONS of things worse than Monty Python.  Things you could find by just scrolling down, actually.  I don't think it's AWFUL, it's just not my thing.  But some people have a major fucking problem with that.  So I submit for approval to the midnight society:  a conversation with a crazy Monty Python fan, and within it, proof of why they are the worst thing ever.


Me:  Yeah, I don't know, I just don't think it's my thing.

Monty Python Fan (MPF): What do you mean it's not your thing?

Me:  I just think it's kind of...I don't know.  I don't really laugh a lot when I watch their stuff.

MPF:  You probably just don't get it.  It's okay.

Me:  No...I get it....I mean I intellectually understand why others find it funny.  I just don't.

MPF:  But you might not just get British humor.  Or should I say, humOUR!

Me:  Umm...you should NOT say that.

MPF:  But it is a British thing.  It's okay.  Some people just don't get the sense of humor the Brits have.

Me:  Once again - I GET IT.  I understand why you think it's funny.  I just do not.  It's not my type of humor.

MPF:  Hmmm.  OH, I know what must be wrong.  Have you seen Life of Brian?

Me:  Yeah.

MPF:  You have?

Me:  Yeah.

MPF:  And you still don't think it's funny.

Me:  No, not really.

MPF:  What about the part where he's like, talking to the crowd, telling them to be individuals and follow their own ideas, and then they all like respond in unison?

Me:  What about it?

MPF:  That was so funny.  See, because he's TELLING them to be individual, and then they respond as--

Me:  No, I got it.

MPF:  But you didn't like it?

Me:  I mean, not really.

MPF:  Hm.  Oh!  Oh oh oh.  I got it.  Here we go.  I found the problem.  You haven't seen The Holy Grail!  Once you see that, you'll change your----

Me:  No, I've seen it.

MPF:  You've seen Monty Python and the Holy Grail?

Me:  Yeah.

MPF:  What the hell could you POSSIBLY dislike about that movie?  It's fucking genius.

Me:  I'll thank you to watch your language around me.   I didn't hate it or anything.  I just didn't find it as hysterical as a lot of people do.  I even saw Spamalot on Broadway and thought that was pretty lame too.

MPF:  How could you not find it funny!  Did you see the part where he's like, "I fart in your general direction!"

Me:  Yeah.

MPF:  And that was hysterical, right?

Me:  I dunno.  I don't think announcing farts is that funny in general.

MPF:  Okay okay, so you don't like fart jokes.  What about when the guy is like "She turned me into a Newt!"  "A newt?!"  "I got bettah!"  Or when he's like pretending to ride the horse and the other guy is making the horse noises!

Me:  Yup.  Saw that part too.

MPF:  So that's like the best part.

Me:  Is it?  That's pretty sad.

MPF:  Listen, you fucking idiot.  How can you not like it?  It's so hilarious!

Me:  You don't have to get angry.  Like I said, it's just not my thing.  I respect if others like it.

MPF:  Okay, okay.  You're not a fan of the movies.  But surely you love Flying Circus!

Me:  Umm...

MPF:  No.  Don't say it.

Me:  I'm sorry.

MPF:  You don't like Flying Circus?

Me:  To be fair, I haven't seen as much of it as the other stuff.  But what I've seen...I mean...I dunno.  Men dress up as women.  Ha ha.  English men dress up as French men.  Ha ha.  It's....just kind of simple to me.

MPF:  You just don't get all the British society jokes they're making.

Me:  I think I catch most of it.

MPF:  No you don't.  You fucking American.

Me:  Aren't you American?

MPF:  Yes, but I have very British sensibilities.

Me:  Ok.

MPF:  YOU THINK YOU'RE SO FUCKING SMART DON'T YOU??

Me:  I don't think it's a matter of intelligence.

MPF:  YEAH you do.  You think you're fucking better than all the Monty Python fans, with your intellectual humor, but really, YOU'RE the idiot!  You don't RESPECT what they did for the world of comedy!!!

Me:  Sure I do.  I just don't really think it's that funny, personally.  I like some of the stuff the guys have done outside of Monty Python, if that helps.

MPF:  Psh, yeah?  Like WHAT.

Me:  I like A Fish Called Wanda.  And..um...Casper.  Shrek?

MPF:  Fuck you you fucking jerk.  The only explanation is that you don't have a sense of humor.  That must be it.

Me:  Sure I do.  I find lots of things funny.

MPF:  Oh yeah?  Like what?  Fucking stupid shit, I bet.  I bet you fucking like Dane Cook.

Me:  Um, well, I like shows like Parks and Recreation and 30 Rock.  And Community.  And Louie?

MPF:  Fuckin' snob, is what you are.

Me:  I mean yeah, I guess I do think their jokes are less "obvious" than Monty Python, if you want to put it that way.

MPF:  The fuck is that supposed to mean?

Me:  I just don't know if you have to think that much to get a Monty Python joke.  A guy makes a weird face, people fart.  And like, ugly peasant people shouting things at an oblivious king.  Or something.  I don't know, it's just kind of broad.  And that's fine for some people, I just don't like it that much.

MPF:  Fuck you.

Me:  I'm glad we were able to have a civil and rational conversation about this.

Commuting on the Subway...PART TWO

In the months since my first rant about the subway, I've had some time to reflect.  Some time to look inward.  Some time to look in the mirror and say, "Hey - what about you?  Could you be part of the problem?  Are you being too harsh on people who are just trying to get to work, like you are?  Should you give them another chance?"

We deal with mostly the same problems, he and I.

No.  The resounding, unanimous answer that I came up with is no.  Because in those months, I've actually discovered that the subway is even worse than I thought.  Read on if you dare.


Yankees Fans

 I've been a New Yorker for about 9 years now, and have been admonished a number of times for never making the choice.  You know, the choice every New Yorker has to make.  The one that says which side you're on.  Who your allies are.  Where your enemies lie.  And I have to say, I just never cared much to decide.  I didn't have any dog in the fight.  Why pick?  It seemed silly.  It was like N* SYNC vs. Backstreet Boys.  I could never decide there, either.  They both serve their purpose!  They both have their moments!  They both want me back after I broke up with them, and want to express it musically.  Can't we all just get along?

Well thanks to commuting on the subway, I have made a choice, folks.  GO.  METS.  Fuck the fucking Yankees.    

Why?  Because I'm lucky enough to live off the subway line that takes you to Yankee Stadium.  And I've been forced to confront the fact that the Yankees have THE DUMBEST FANS TO EVER RIDE THE SUBWAY.  DEAR LORD.

Callous, unfeeling BASTARDS.

They do not know how to stand on the subway to maximize space.  This is problematic since around the time I am leaving work, it's rush hour anyway.  The Yankers fill up subway cars with astonishing speed.  I can't describe to you the depression I feel when the subway finally pulls into the station, grinds to a halt, and the doors open, only to reveal a bumbling mass of navy and white stripes and absolutely no more room for even one more person.

It's not just the space they take up.  That would be bad enough.  But no, they stumble around like fools when people need to get on or off around them.  They are very often DRUNK and LOUD, with absolutely no respect for people who are just trying to get home from a long work day.  They don't give a crap if there are children around.  They have no concept of other people's space or existence.  They are rude, stupid, oblivious fools.   

I understand most of them don't ride the subway very often, if ever.  But when in Rome, DO AS THE FUCKING NEW YORKERS DO!  Come on, it is not that hard to figure out how to step aside and let someone by, so they don't have to physically shove you out of their way.  Do I get a little bit of pleasure out of it?  Maybe!  But that's not the point!

Ergo I am a Mets fan.  Long live the Mets.

Oh my god, this is literally like the first 10 results that come up when you google Mets fans.  This is the saddest, most pathetic thing I have ever seen.

Men and their Junk

I don't want to get too graphic here.  I don't know what it's like to have male parts.  But I do know what it's like to have lady parts, and I can tell you that they're not always that convenient either.  However, my ladyparts inconvenience rarely TAKES UP AN ENTIRE TWO SEATS ON THE SUBWAY BECAUSE I'M AN ASSHOLE.

 

You aren't exempt, you old bastard.  Shut those legs.  Don't give me that look.

COME ON!  Your man sitting stance is ruining EVERYONE'S LIVES.  If there are only HALF the correct number of seats on the subway, can you see how that might be a problem?  Squeeze your damn knees together and suffer like the rest of us, boys.  Your balls can handle the trip.

Subway Performers (Dance Style)

Let's just get the disclaimer out of the way first:  yes, there are WAY WORSE ways to make money.  I respect the fact that it's an honest way of earning cash.   And I'm not saying they're not talented.  They could easily star in a moving about stepping up.

But I also do not want to fear getting kicked in the face while I'm trying to go home from work.  So there's that.

See how thrilled everyone is....?

I'll say it again - it's not that I'm not impressed!  Great job, young people.  You are super flexible and strong.  No, I cannot hold myself up on a subway pole like that.  You sure are amazing.  But it's just not my chosen venue, you know?  The subways are crowded to begin with, and when someone asks you to move aside so they can spin themselves on their own heads...it feels a little tedious.  Come on.  Just keep your legs to yourself.  Please don't kick me in the face.  Please.  I don't have any extra money to give you anyway.  I'm sorry.

I'm sure there's only more to come.  Be prepared for Volume 3 sometime soon.

Hangovers

Despite what Bradley Cooper, Zach Galifianakis and Ed Helms show us in the movies, hangovers in real life are not all hijinks and getting stalked by drug dealers and marrying strippers.  Well, maybe some people's are, but mine definitely aren't.  They are a several hours-long misery fest of shame and sadness.  What makes them so terrible?

Disclaimer:  from what I understand, hangovers are like snowflakes.  No, not refreshing and delightful - but no two are the same.  I'm just going on my own morning after drinking experiences here.

Dehydration

His came from working out, mine came from drinking.  But who lost more weight?  Check and mate.

The morning after a rough night, there is literally not enough water on this planet we call Earth to satiate me.  It starts the moment you wake up - it feels like someone forced you to have that spit-sucking thing the dentist uses in your mouth while you slept.  It is maybe the worst way to start any day.  Water never seems cold or plentiful enough, but your stomach is too weird to drink it fast anyway, so it kind of seems like a pointless endeavor.  All you can do is lie on the couch and watch The Fugitive (widely known as the best hangover movie ever of all time).


Headache

 Give in, lady - only Harrison Ford and Tommy Lee Jones can help.

 
Have you ever had someone beat you repeatedly in the head with a hammer?  Me either, but I expect it's pretty much the same as a hangover headache.  The dull but constant thud of endless pain that never seems like it's going away.  Water?  Whatever.  Advil?  Hah.  Nice try, idiot.  Your Hangover Headache cares not for your feeble human attempts at control!

Nausea

Pull your hair back, AMATEUR!!

If there's throwing up, it usually comes in the middle of the night for me (TMI?  Welcome to my blog, newcomers!), but I know that sometimes there's some residual tummy issues the next day.  The nausea is similar to the headache - sort of a dull, constant thing threatening to ruin your life at any moment.  There's a sort of churning inside, and you're not really sure when it's going to happen or even if it will, but you don't want to stray far from a toilet just in case.  And of course, there's always the likely possibility it'll come out the other end, leading me to our next point....

Diarrhea

I don't really know the story behind this photo, but maybe if you're holding a beer on the toilet you should be rethinking some of your life choices.  And what's with the white box - is he slowly being erased from the photograph because he went back in time and changed stuff so that he wouldn't be born?

If the puking paragraph didn't drive you away, perhaps this delightful subject will.  Much like reality stars, I didn't come here to make friends, okay?  I came here to WIN.  The internet.  With my honesty.  So let's talk about post-drinking poo.  Obviously, alcohol is a kind of poison, which is why your body so wholeheartedly rejects it in every way.  Your digestive tract doesn't escape this hellish assault, and it's a safe bet that before hangover's end, you will need to spend some quality time with a toilet.  This particular bullet is pretty tempting to put in the "pro" column, though, because let's be real - there is nothing more satisfying then expelling all of last night's poison.  You feel pretty awesome after.  

See?  I didn't get that graphic.

 
Food:  Cure or Mortal Enemy?

 I will either make you feel awesome or send you back to bed all day.  The choice is yours and yours alone.

Everyone has their own go-to hangover meal - experts feel some protein is probably a good idea to help soak  up the sugars, but obviously there's a ton of variations on that advice.  Bacon egg and cheese sandwiches are a grand tradition, along with greasy omelettes, tuna melts, and cheeseburgers.  Sometimes it makes you feel 100% better, like a new man - those days are the best.  But every once in awhile your cure hits your stomach the wrong way, and, well....just look to the above two paragraphs.

People Who "Just Never Get Them!"

 "Maybe I just don't drink as much as you."  "Shut up."

Inevitably, if you can pull yourself together enough during your hangover to make human contact, you will complain of your plight to whoever will listen.  And also inevitably, one of your friends will respond, "Oooh, sucks.  So weird, I never get them!"  Why?  Why would you say that to someone suffering?  Do you say, "Oooh, that sucks, I don't have it" to your friend who just got diagnosed with cancer?  (YES IT'S SIMILAR.)  No!  Because it's rude!  They don't need to hear that!  I'm sooooooo happy that your body is totes chill with whatever alcohol concoctions you put into it, but some of us just aren't as lucky, okay?  So keep your perfect Sunday morning of delightful hangover-free existence to yourself!

It's Your Fault, You Loser

 So, this picture came up when I searched "shame on you" in google, but I had to post it, because, REALLY Winona, you're gonna tell me about what's shameful while you willingly put on overalls as your entire outfit?  That's not even remotely sexy, now or in 1995 when people wore overalls.  You just look like you woke up naked in a plow field and stole the only clothing you could find in the farmer's shed.

Let's get down to the real reason why hangovers are the worst - you have nobody to blame but yourself.  Unless your friends like strapped you down and forced alcohol down your throat, in which case, that's actually assault and you should probably talk to the police and get some new friends or something.  But for most of us, the shame is all our own - you ordered that 4th drink, you moron.  You had a sip of someone's gin and tonic while you held your wine in the other hand.  You DRANK LIQUOR AFTER BEER, STUPIDFACE!   What is wrong with you?  Why would you do this to yourself!?  Why are you so dumb!?  You can complain all you want, but when you look in the mirror the culprit is staring right back at you.  And you tell yourself this will never happen again.  You'll make better decision next time.  Things will really start to turn around after this.  Hah.  Right.



 

Summer

Oh, summertime.  Everyone's faaaavorite season.  EHHHHHHH.  Wrong.  Guess what.  It is secretly the worst 3-4 months out of every year.  The living is NOT easy, Mr. Gershwin.  Nor is it fly when girls stop by for the summer, LFO.  Summer sucks.  It's science.  I can prove it.  Read on.

Heat

Heat is actually so awful I am going to split it into special sub-categories.  You're welcome.

Sunshine

Okay, I know, it "gives life" and "keeps our Earth in rotation."  You know what I say to the sun?  EFF YOU.  I don't like your harsh rays beating down upon my fragile skin!  For those of you familiar with the concept of white privilege, let me tell you, summer sun is one area where we whities lose out, BIG TIME  (For those of you who don't know about white privilege, here you go).  Nay, my Russian and European ancestry is no shield against the hateful sun.  My white ass gets burned from a stroll down the street, so I am forced to wear a goofy hat and 100spf sunblock in order to avoid looking like a lobster.  Okay, I know what you're thinking, and you're right, I actually pull off the hat really well, thanks, but still.  It's a hassle.  And sunblock is EXPENSIVE, PEOPLE!  Even the generic CVS kind!  And if you're dumping it on you even on a cloudy day just to be safe like me, you run through it preeettty quickly. 

Don't worry, my hat is way cuter than this Blossom rip-off atrociousness.

Sweat

I don't generally consider myself a gross person.  I wear deoderant consistently, sometimes even a splash of perfume.  I shower.  I do laundry (enough).  I don't think anyone would refer to me as a "sweaty beast."  Except in the harsh light of the summer sun.  Danny and Sandy were right - something's begun, all right.  Overactive sweat glands.

She looks so sad about her sweat.  I understand, stock photo model.   I understand.

Unlike the delicate lady in the photo, I don't generally have a towel around to mop up my brow filth when the time comes.  And that time is often, thanks to not having air conditioning in my apartment.  Let me tell you, there's no cute way to look like a soaking wet hulk.  At least not for me.  I don't "glow."  I don't "perspire."  My face turns red and I resemble Jennifer Beals.  But only in Flashdance.  And only in the part where she's dumped a bucket of water over herself.  And minus the hot body and the chair and cute outfit.  Also I think she's half black.  Other than that we are twins.

The Subway

New Yorkers can vouch for this one.  There is literally nothing worse than walking along the sidewalk, heading down the subway entrance, swiping your metrocard, and standing on the platform waiting for a train on a scorching day.  Holy shit.  It is the worst, sweatiest, grossest experience ever.  It is the one time and moment of the year where I will admit to a tourist, yeah, this place smells like a fucking shithole.  Everyone just sits there miserably in sweaty silence until the train comes.  Then you hold your breath until you can step onto the sweet sweet air conditioned car.  Unless of course, your train's air conditioning is broken.  In that case you probably just want to go ahead and kill yourself.

 

Children 

I'm generally pretty ambivalent about children, but it's nice to know that 9 months of the year between the hours of 8am and 4pm they generally won't be around.  But those cursed summer months, when school's out for summer/ever, they run this town RAMPANT!  I swear, you can't go anywhere without a bunch of children getting underfoot.  Parks are littered with their tiny selves running around.  Auugh.  Spilling ice cream all over, shrieking and stuff.  I used to work at a summer camp, but at least there I knew what to expect.  When you're just going about your everyday summer life, they come outta nowhere!

  

 DEMONS BE GONE!

 TV on Hiatus

I will fully admit this has changed a lot over the last few years, because cable channels embrace summertime as an opportunity for new programming.  So yes, Dexter, Weeds, True Blood, The Closer, Suits, and many more shows are all coming back in the summer.  But it's the PRINCIPLE, dammit!  I want my shows all the time!  I don't want to wait 3 months to find out what's going on in Pawnee Indiana with Leslie and the gang from Parks and Rec.  How will I be able to stand waiting to see what happens to Juliette on Grimm (don't judge me bitches, that show is awesome).  Who did Dave end up with on Happy Endings??  WHO DIED ON REVENGE?!  TELL ME, TELEVISION GODS!  I am slave to your whims!  I get the same kind of glow during fall pilot season that most people reserve for marriage and giving birth.  TV only just ended last week and I'm already depressed.  

She's worried about feeding her children, I want my TV shows back.  Who has it harder?  Tough call.

Super Inappropriately Dressed People

Many people take summer as an invitation to strip down to their skivvies and show off their body to the world.  Yes, some bodies are probably more desirable than others in this situation, but on the whole I really disapprove of the outfits that come out in the summer.  No, young lady, I did not need to see your butt cheeks hanging out of those things you call shorts.  And why are you just in a bikini top?  This isn't the beach.  Put a damn shirt on.  And get off my lawn. 

All sorts of weird tank tops come out, nasty jorts (jean shorts), some ladies who really really need to be wearing bras decide to let it hang free...just so many awful things happen.  And of course, the worst thing of all - THE ROMPER.

 It makes Blake Lively look dumpy, people.  BLAKE LIVELY.  I assure you the average New Yorker DOES NOT LOOK LIKE BLAKE LIVELY.  Oh my dear god this looks awful on everyone.  And it's called a ROMPER.  What is wrong with the world?

There you have it.  While the rest of the country flees to the beaches, stretches out on a blanket in the park, and strips down to their summer wear, I will be holed up in my apartment, sweating even as I hug a fan, dreading the next time I have to step foot outside into the crushing sun and heat.  And really, as global warming takes us all over, it's only going to get worse for people like me.  What's Alaska like?  Finland has sweet healthcare, right?  Gotta keep my options open.

  Is it September yet?

People Against Gay Marriage

I know, I know.  It's so obvious.  But these people have been so vocal lately (competing with anti abortion nuts for who can yell the loudest and be the most ridiculous).  I just felt I should give them some of the attention they so pathetically crave.  These a-holes have a go-to list of reasons they use for why gay people shouldn't be allowed to get married, and guess what?

All of them are completely.  Effing.  Dumb.

#1 - Kids Need a Mother and a Father!

 This is probably the most popular argument against gay marriage.  Moms and Dads!  Men and women!  P and V!  It's for the children!  Kids need two parents of different genders.  Well, don't worry, I have a really good rebuttal for this one:  No they don't.  Studies show that kids need stable parenting, but it doesn't matter if it's two moms, two dads, a mom and a grandmother, a dad and a grandfather, whatever.  Kids need parents that love them.  It's not rocket science, jerks.  Some study even showed that two moms might be better than having a dad involved at all!  

  

"Nice try, MEN!  We  really are gonna be raised in the BEST possible environment!  Go back to your STRIP clubs or something!"

 

And it certainly stands to reason that two people who have to go out of their way, sometimes waiting years and spending many thousands of dollars to conceive/adopt a child, proooobs are better emotionally, financially, and mentally equipped than than two horny teenagers who accidentally get knocked up and pop out a kid.  Just guessing.  


#2 - Marriage is for Procreation

Oh, cool.  I guess that makes sense.  Thank goodness we have laws that mandate that all married couples have at least one child.  And of course, it's a good thing we make everyone who wants to get married undergo fertility testing.  If they can't have kids, they can't get married.  That's the law.


Wait, what?  Those aren't laws?  At all?  Because marriage isn't just about kids?  Neat.  Moving on.


#3 - If We Let Two Men or Two Women Get Married, What's Next?  People Marrying Their Dogs?


This is an easy one to blow past because it's such a huge fucking insult to gay people, but for the sake of ranting I will break it down for the pre-schoolers in the room. 

This is a man.

This is a dog.

 

They both look deep in thought, right?  They're both attractive.  I could see how right wing Christians could mix up these species.  But shockingly, they actually have a few differences.  For example, man is capable of complex thought.  Of making an informed decision to spend the rest of their lives with someone.  They are capable of SIGNING A MARRIAGE LICENSE.  People have birth certificates, and driver's licenses, and other forms of ID you might need to OBTAIN that marriage license.  See where I'm going here?  While I know some people who probably would be pretty content to marry their dogs, it's not happening any time soon.

Variations on this theme include, "What's next, siblings getting married?"  "What's next, three people entering into a marriage?"  Well, on the first point - ew!  Gross!  There's solid scientific reasons we've determined siblings shouldn't get married - it's called inbreeding.  Google European royalty.  There's some really terrifying stuff there.  To the second point - I know this may be surprising, but advocates of gay marriage don't really want several people to be able to get married.  Just two.  Two consenting humans.  That's all.  And if somewhere in the future Triple Marriage Advocates become a thing, that's their fight.  Let them fight it.

#3 - But God Said it was Wrong.  

First things first - which God?  Oh, the Judeo Christian version of God?  That not everyone in the world believes in?  Okay.  Guess the millions of people who believe in Krishna/Allah/TheFlyingSpaghettiMonster/Nothing don't factor in.  But that's fine.

So this God said it somewhere in Leviticus, right?  That a man shall not lie down with another man.  All right.  So everyone who truly believes those words, and uses that as a reason why being gay is wrong and to avoid giving them equal rights - those people probably follow all the other laws of the Bible/Torah too.  I'm sure they never eat shellfish!  I'm sure they'd be chill with allowing a father to sell his children to slavery!  They'd never wear a cotton-poly blend!  Right?  Cause those are laws too, you dumb bitches.  You can't cherry pick and decide which law you like and which you don't.  It's all or nothing.  Yeah, there's the Big 10 - don't kill, don't say "fuck you mom," etc - but the homosexual thing doesn't appear in those.  It's more of a minor thing, a passing mention.

"Put down the lobster, heathens!"

For those who really do believe it, I say, you know what?  That's fine.  I think you're wrong, but that's fine.  Don't be gay.  Don't lie down with another man or whatever.  I don't care.  Because my beliefs should not infringe on your life.  My religion says you shouldn't be mixing meat and milk in the same meal, but do I go to your state and try to pass laws banning the sale of butter and meat together?  No.  Because you live your life, and I live mine.  So keep your religious nuttery out of MY life, and I'll keep my hippie liberal ways out of yours.  

You know who else felt that way?  That your shit shouldn't interfere with my shit?  Those founding fathers that Bible thumpers love to reference!   Those founding fathers were so concerned with a little thing called SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE that they wrote it into the laws of this country as they formed it.  It means that no matter what you believe or your pastor tells you, you can't put it into law, because other people might not believe in it!  Your religion shouldn't run anyone's life but your own.  You stupid pieces of shit.

#4 - But Marriage Has ALWAYS Been Defined as Between One Man and One Woman!

 Okay, well this one's easy - no it hasn't!

You think cavepeople kissed their "wife" goodbye when they went out a-huntin?  They might've grabbed a cavelady and smooched her, but they sure as hell didn't call her a wife.  That concept is a modern one in humanity.  And plenntyyy of modern societies had what we might call "shady" views on relationships.   Greeks and Romans were pretty chill with homosexuality, and divorce also carried absolutely no social stigma - people split up and got remarried all the time.  Mormons, some of the biggest opponents of gay marriage, were once totes fine with one man having as many wives as he pleased.  But some people insist this is how it's always been.  So you're telling me marriage has allllwaays been a certain way?  Fine - let's assume you're right, for argument's sake.  SO FUCKING WHAT?

 This guy comes up when you google "So what?"  He really does convey a certain "fuck it" attitude.  I mean, he had to embrace it after he put on that tie, right?

 A LOT of things used to be one way and they are now another.  It's called evolving as a society.  Black people used to not be allowed to marry white people (although, to be fair, I think many of the Bible toting Obama-is-a-Kenyan-believing one toothed hicks against gay marriage would probably prefer that was still a law too).  White people used to be able to OWN BLACK PEOPLE (see previous parentheses).  Women couldn't vote.  People couldn't drink alcohol!  Come on!  We've knocked down tons of stuff as a country, and put plenty more into our constitution.  There's no reason this should be any different.  

#5 - It Just Aint Natural!

I don't really know what this argument means.  Obviously it is natural for the people who are gay.  Which I wholeheartedly assure you is not a choice, but that's a whole other blog entry.  Just because it's not natural for YOU?  Well guess what - straighty sex isn't natural for gay people.  They think it's weird and gross, just like homophobes think gay sex is icky and wrong.  Shocking, I know!  People are different!  So weird!  My sister can roll her tongue but I can't!  I hate coconut but my mom doesn't!  I was born with curly hair, and my friend has straight hair!  Differences!  

#6 - Gay Marriage Devalues My Straight Marriage

This one is particularly weird.  It lessens the value of your marriage if gay people are allowed to get married?  Because they're shaming the institution of marriage, right?  To this I have two main arguments:

• Kim Kardashian.  
• No it doesn't

 Kim Kardashian was married for less than 80 days to a giant oaf named Kris something.  They split after a few months and filed for divorce, and now everyone thinks - gasp! - the whole thing was a crock of shit.*  Are you seriously telling me that Kim Kardashian's sham of a marriage was fine because there was a P and a V involved?  And that it doesn't make a mockery and a joke of marriage as an institution?  If that bitch can rake in millions of dollars for broadcasting a pretend dress up session with all of her friends and family and call it a legal wedding...do you really think letting two people of the same gender who have been together for maybe 20 years put a ring on it is going to do any more damage than has already been done?  

*see also:  Britney Spears and Jason Alexander, Carmen Electra and Dennis Rodman

"Thank God I can celebrate the sacredness of marriage as an institution by selling the rights to broadcast mine on TV!"

As for my second argument, "No it doesn't," I'm really not sure how much I have to expound upon that.  Newsflash - gay marriage is already legal in several states.  Why, it's legal right here in good ol' New York.  And guess what?  My parents' 37 year straight marriage is still totes fine!  In fact, I'm pretty sure nobody notices when other straight people in the state get married, so why should they start noticing when gays do?  (Unless the fireworks and glitter get in their faces).  The truth is, it has absolutely no impact on anyone else's life.  Your pathetic and probably super boring straight marriage is still there.  No amount of gays getting married can wreck it as "an institution," whatever that means.  Get over yourself.  You're not that important, and everyone deserves the same rights you have.

And that's what it all comes down to.  Being gay shouldn't make anyone a second class citizen.  They deserve the same basic rights as everyone else.  I can't wait for all the old people against gay marriage to die so it can just pass as a national law already.   Frankly it's embarrassing that our country is still dragging our feet on it.  Then again, America is kind of an embarrassment on several levels, aren't we.  We only rank like 28th for math skills in our students.  Soon to be 27 - we're comin' for you, Latvia!

Maybe someday we'll even have a gay President.  Oh wait, we already did.  

Lookin' at you, James Buchanan. 

 

 Saucy bitch. 

Really Popular Songs With Ridiculous Lyrics

Songwriting is one of those things that many, many people try, presumably because they think they can genuinely succeed at it. Most of those try hards will fail, as well they should - just because you can move your voice up and down and know lots of words doesn't mean you'll be a decent songwriter. People like Bob Dylan, Sir Phil Collins, Adele - they don't come along everyday. In fact, with the exception of acting, music is probably one of the hardest industries to break into. So why do so many turds continue to strum their guitars in hopes they'll one day hit it big?

Because the music industry has rewarded hundreds of idiots before them, that's why.

Have you ever listened to a song - really listened - and realized, "This is the DUMBEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD. How did this get to be so popular??" Because America is a bunch of idiots who will make dumb things popular. See: Snooki.

"Haha, I make more money than anyone reading or writing this blog! Who's REALLY the stupid one?"

Here are the most popular and egregious song offenses.

Rhyming a Word With That Same Word

What - did you think we wouldn't notice, STEALER'S WHEEL?

"I've been trying to make sense of it all/but I can see it makes no sense at all..."

Stuck in the midde, indeed. Stuck in the middle of a bunch of stupid lyrics. No wonder you were a one-hit wonder!!! (See what I did there, with the wonder?)

Seems like the word "all" is pretty tough for many groups - take O Town, everybody's favorite boy band that came from a TV show:

"Cause I want it all/or nothing at all"

Are they all squinting cause it's bright in there, or they're trying to see what's going to happen to their careers in a year? Cause if so I have bad news...

You have people paid money to write songs for your pretend singing group - and they still can't come up with the words "tall" "fall" or "crawl?" Come on.

I know what you're thinking - we're talking a one hit wonder and a made up boy band! Surely these are just expected flukes of stupidity. Ladies and gentleman, I give you...The Beatles.

"Hey Jude, don't make it bad/take a sad song and make it better/remember to let her into your heart/then you can start to make it better"

It can happen to anyone.

Lyrics That Don't Make Any F@#$ing Sense

"Lucky that my breasts are small and humble/so you don't confuse them with mountains"

Yeah, Shakira, I guess that is lucky. What's not lucky is that you're apparently singing to a boy so dumb that there was a chance he'd confuse your boobs with mountains. Maybe you need to think about your life decisions.

I mean, she has a point.

Clay Aiken, famous for being a runner up and hiding his gaiety, had a few hit songs during his peak popularity. His gem "Invisible" gave us a lot of really questionable lyrics - "If I was invisible, then I could just watch you in your room" is basically the last thing you hear before you head on over to the police station to file a restraining order against someone. But at least it makes sense. Unlike this lyric from the same song:

"Wish you could touch me with the colors of your life." Me too, Clay. I'd touch you with red, orange, yellow...all the colors of the rainbow, until you realized a lil somethin about your own colors and finally came out on the cover of a People magazine.

Aw. We know.

I'm a well known hater of this next song, but maybe by point out how truly dumb and nonsensical the lyrics are, I can bring a few people over to my side.

"But, that's not how it used to be
When the jester sang for the king and queen
In a coat he borrowed from James Dean
And a voice that came from you and me
Oh and while the king was looking down
The jester stole his thorny crown
The courtroom was adjourned
No verdict was returned"


So what's going on here? We're in a palace, and then a court? I mean I know Kings and Queens "hold court," but they don't really overturn verdicts there, Don McLean. And how do they know James Dean? I really chose these dumb lyrics at random - any of the 30 verses of this neverending song could have worked for this blog entry.



And you can all rest easy at night knowing that all of these folks probably have more money than you. Well, except like 4/5 of O Town's squinty losers.

Commuting on the Subway

New York City. Center of the universe. So many parks, theaters...clubs...restaurants...and people. So many people. Many of whom have jobs. That they have to go to every morning. Just like you.

Oh commute, how dost thou suck? Let me count the ways.

If You Have a Seat...

Hahaha, jk. You'll never have a seat. Moving on.

Human Sardines

You've been waiting for like 10 minutes, you're already running late, and then you see it. The glow of a train in the distance. You breathe a sigh of relief. The train zips through the station, slowly pulling to a stop, and as it loses speed, you realize...holy shit. There are approximately one billion people already on this train. In every car. It can't possibly fit anyone else. But...you can make it on, right? Surely they have enough for one more. Hah.

No worries, that guy probably doesn't really need his elbow.

Here's the catch - everyone else next to you is having exactly the same thought. I can make it! And you've all been waiting for like 10 minutes. And everyone has a job to go to. There's no way around it - you ALL have to get onto that car. Get ready to touch some strangers! Hope you enjoy people breathing near your face, I know I do! On opposite day.

A-Hole Pole Huggers

If you've ever been in a subway car, you know the general layout. Some seats on the sides, the bars above them to hold onto, and in many cars, poles throughout for stripper practice. Jk, they are for holding onto as you try not to think about germs. That is, unless you have a life ruiner in your midst.

Oh my God, some creeper TOOK this picture! Like in real life! Add it to the list of subway fears...

No sir or ma'am - you're right. You've had a hard morning. You go ahead and snuggle up to that pole - my hands don't need it to balance while the train lurches back and forth. You deserve it. I'll be fine. Don't you worry your head about me. (That last line is moot - obviously they have no concern for others whatsoever.)

The Seatless Pole-less Spot of Doom

Picture that subway car again. The seats are all full, it's jam packed crowded, everyone has found a pole to grab - except you. Yes, you've found it - the one spot on the subway car that is too far from any pole to grab (at least not without gettin some close one on one time with someone's armpit). Hope there are no big lurches, because you've got to rely on either your balance or the bodies of those around you to keep you standing upright. Good luck with that!

Staring Judgers of Judgeton Abbey

Here's a secret that nobody talks about: being on a subway is like being put in a room with 40 people and being told you're not allowed to look at any of them. What do you think the first and ONLY thing you want to do is? LOOK AT EVERYONE. I go through a daily struggle that involves trying not to stare at the people around me and judge them. I mean sure, I'm a judger, but it's gotta be the right time and place - sitting on a park bench as people walk by...writing in semi anonymity on the internet...these are the times to judge! Not when you're TRAPPED with these people and they can SEE YOU STARING!

Jk - this flawless Queen can judge anyone she wants. She's earned it.

Not everyone has the common decency I do to withold their gaze. Some people are pretty bold with their Judge Judy eyes - and like Bette Davis' eyes before them, Judy will tease you and unease you. You start to wonder about your appearance, if it's able to trap someone's gaze for this long. Did I put on pants today? Do I have a giant booger hanging out? Do I have one of those weird black spots of whoknowswhat that you sometimes find on your face when you're washing your hands in the bathroom, and you wonder how long it's been there and how many people saw it without telling you? TELL ME JUDGMENTAL LADY WHO LIVES ABOVE 145TH STREET - WHAT DO YOU SEE?!?!


Augh. Everyone on the subway is the worst.

Moving

A new year, a new you, a new apartment! What a way to make a fresh start - is anything more satisfying than stepping foot into a new place, knowing it's about to become your home? What could be better than that?

Answer: anything. Literally anything.

Moving is the absolute worst. Those of you in normal towns and suburbs are probably like, "Yeah, I guess, but whatevs - how often does it happen?" Well anyone in New York City knows that answer is about once every one or two years. In my 8 1/2 years as a New Yorker, I've never lived anywhere longer than 22 months. That's a lot of moving. Luckily it means I can bring to you in great detail everything that sucks about it.

"Of course you can bring Teddy! After all, it's not like you'll have any friends in our new town!"

Packing Your Shit

You didn't think you were a hoarder, until faced with all of your shame...

"I haven't even lived here that long. How the hell did I get all this stuff?! What IS this pile of papers? Why did I save it? Who gave me this weird book? I haven't worn these boots in 4 years, why do I still have them?" Then there's wrapping your breakables - why the hell is newspaper so crappy that it turns your fingers black? No wonder that industry is dying, they can't even keep their ink on the page! These are the terrible thoughts going through everyone's head as they pack up however many months/years of crap that has accumulated in their space. I throw away a ton of stuff every time I move, yet I still seem to have two dozen boxes' worth of shit. And while we're on the subject of boxes - they're a total pain in the ass to buy. Have you ever tried to carry an armful of flat boxes that haven't been put together yet? It's awkward as hell, and sometimes you drop them and people stare. I wouldn't know, but it happened to a friend of mine.


Transporting Your Shit

"Welcome to your hell, minions!"

The squatting. The lifting. The dropping things on your foot. The misery of taping boxes closed and then realizing there were 4 more things you wanted to squeeze in. Piling everything in a vehicle, hearing crashes and praying to a higher power that wasn't the box with the glass vase you didn't have enough newspaper to wrap. And if you live in New York, you've probably rented a U Haul and are driving fearfully through the ridiculous traffic of the city, praying to God nobody drives in your 8 foot blind spot on either side of the most poorly designed vehicle to ever exist. Holy shit is that scary. And of course, if you bump into anything, it's all your fault. If you break anything, you only have yourself to blame. Unless of course, you decide to...

Pay Someone Else to Move Stuff For You

Comes complete with an attractive onesie, adult sized for your comfort!

You can buy anything these days! There are people who will whisk away your boxes, put them in a truck, drive that truck to your new apartment, unload those boxes into your new place, and you won't have to touch a thing! It's amazing. There are those awkward moments where you're just kind of standing around watching them pick up your stuff, trying to read their faces to see if they're judging your packing abilities or your apartment, but all in all it's a pretty pleasant experience. Why then, you ask, would it be on this list of the worst things about moving? Because in order to hire people and to do a lot of other things associated with moving, you must...

Spend a F!@&$load of Money

Poor tax indeed, Mr. Moneybags. Poor tax indeed.

You know what moving does? It reaches into your pocket, takes out your wallet, wipes its ass with every penny you have, and laughs as you desperately scramble to find ways to save a dollar here or there so you're not completely broke when the process ends. There's first month's rent, a security deposit, a broker's fee if you used one - and those are just the big bucks! Turns out U Haul actually makes YOU pay THEM money to drive their death traps! Weird, right? Those boxes you slaved over setting up? Those cost money, and so does the devil tape that you have to use to shut them! Did you want to get this newfangled thing called "the internet" in your new apartment? Cause it costs extra money for them to come set that up for you. No counter space in your new place? Need an island? A dark corner requiring another lamp? Delivery food the first few nights before you can fill your fridge again? Money, money, and more money. Whether you moved up to a deluxe apartment in the sky or downgraded to a little shanty...you are now poor. Congrats.

Oh, and enjoy the new place. If you can still see it through your tears of abject poverty.