Movie Things That Never Happen in Real Life

I love movies.  I love movies so much I went to school to major in loving movies.  I love good movies, I love bad movies, I love movies with happy endings and sad endings and all the kinds of endings in between.  I love movies.

HOWEVER.

There is some crap that goes down in movies that I am just tired of.  I'm tired of the movies thinking I'll just keep quiet about it.  I will not go quietly into the night, movie industry.  Your unrealistic scenes have gone FAR ENOUGH.  I am doing the brave thing and writing about it on a blog that 12 people total have ever read.

Now, when I say unrealistic, I don't mean aliens, or time travel, or superheroes, or what have you.  I suspend my disbelief happily for all of those things.  I mean the little things.  I mean things that just don't happen in real life, because they don't make any sense.


"I'll Have a Beer."

This line has been uttered in countless movies, in many situations.  Sometimes a dude in a movie had a rough day, maybe he broke up with his girlfriend, maybe he just got a crooked cop in trouble, maybe he's meeting a pal for a drink to talk about gals.  But when he says, "I'll have a beer," my soul dies a little.  Because everyone in real life knows what would happen after someone says that.  Everyone knows what line would realistically come next.

"Uh....what kind?"

"Otherwise it's just the most expensive one, douchebag."

There are approximately one billion different types of beer, with different flavors and costs and bottles and drafts and COME ON, screenwriters!  I know there's copyright stuff and all, but can't you just get Budweiser or Blue Moon or whoever to throw a couple of bucks into your movie so you can actually say the name of a beer brand?  Because "Generic Movie Beer" isn't exactly cutting it for some of us who like a little realism in our films!

Everyone Hangs Up on Their Friends

My real life phone conversations end a little something like this, from my end.  "Okay, well I've gotta go get these errands started.  Yeah.  Yup, you too.  Yeah, no later.  Okay.  Sounds good.  You too.  Bye."

Apparently movies don't believe anyone needs to be polite, because most phone calls end with, "Okay see you there."  DONE.  Hang up.  No pleasantries, no goodbye, no exchanges!  Just a click!  Some don't even have that!  It is shocking that anyone in movies still has friends.  

"Yeah, it's actually crazy how much I hate you!  I don't know how I haven't made it more clear!"

Nobody Ever Pees

Unless it's part of the plot somehow, nobody's ever sitting on a toilet or straddling a urinal in a movie.  I mean, intellectually I get this - it's not that interesting for anyone to run off to the bathroom for a few minutes while the other characters wait for them to come back.  But still!  Come on!  Even in movies when the action is taking place entirely over the course of a few hours or an entire day, noooboody seems to need a pee break.  There must be a lot of really rough and painful crotches running around in movies, man.  Bladder infections are no joke.  

UTI:  not just a poorly named school.

Drivers Actually Need to Watch the Road

I love a good meaningful gaze as much as the next person, but I also like to avoid car crashes.  It seems that's not as much a priority for people in movies.  

Harold and Kumar love rocking out to Wilson Philipps...AND CRASHING.

I understand acting usually requires interaction with another person, and feeding off their vibe and what not, but unfortunately in car scenes that usually means several seconds of prolonged eye contact while supposedly driving at the same time.  Now, it's been awhile since driver's ed, but I'm pretty sure "keep your eyes on the road" is a very basic and main thrust of the course content.  Romantic scenes are particularly guilty of this - a guy gazes longingly at the woman next to him, deep in love, while in real life their car would be hurtling towards the median, and if he survived, he'd be on his way to jail.  

Oblivious Parents

Subtitle:  The Time I Almost Punched a Baby


Okay, children are the worst.  We all know that, it's a scientific fact.  Much like periods attracting bears and the bible creation story according to Louisiana textbooks.  But sometimes a glaringly obvious fact goes overlooked - it's not actually their fault most of the time.  They're just little stupid young humans who don't know any better.  They do dumb crap because they are dumb.  Their tiny little brains aren't developed yet.

I don't have to wonder whose fault this is.  I've seen a little movie called Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.  The oompa loompas told me exactly who to blame:

THE MOTHER AND THE FATHER.

 

Or the mother and mother, father and father, aunt and uncle, whatever.  I'm all about the modern families.  

 

 

 

Today, I am not going to talk about the little nightmares who knock everything off the shelves in supermarkets, or who run around screaming in restaurants.  Those are just really obviously terrible children with asshole parents.  It's a given.  (Fear not, my two fans, I won't rule it out for a further longer entry of how they are the worst.)  Nay, today I intend to talk about parents who might not be all-the-time assholes, but they are OBLIVIOUS, and this makes them temporary assholes.

So here's the story.  I was leaving the office today, heading down to the subway.  Everyone else in Manhattan was also leaving work at that hour.  We were all in a rush to get home or a restaurant.  One might say it was rush hour (the time, not the knee-slapping hilarious film starring Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker).

 

To be fair, real life rush hour is nowhere near as painful as the sequels.

 

Everyone was rushing through the halls, and down the stairs - all except a guy and his little toddler daughter.  

 

Now, everyone knows that  toddlers walking is one of the cutest things ever.  Trying to go down stairs?  On their wee little wobbly legs?  Adorable!  Love it.  EXCEPT WHEN I AM TRYING TO CATCH A TRAIN.

 

They weren't even taking up just a little part of the stairs.  She was holding onto his hand and he was standing like two feet away.  There were like 10 people crowded in a little clusterfuck behind them, trying to get by.  Everyone approached the stairs with manic rage, like, "WHAT THE HELL!??! WHY IS THIS STAIRWELL GOING SO SLO---Ohhhh god damn.  There's a tiny adorable baby wobbling down the stairs.  COME ON MAN."

I'm all for teaching kids independence and walking and learning and shit.  But COME ON, you can't grab the kid and pick her up while you're walking down a midtown Manhattan subway staircase at 6:03 pm???  Use your brain!  You're lucky nobody stepped on that child in a mad rush to catch the train!  I'm so happy she's using her tiny little chubby legs to navigate the world of vertical walking, but IS NOW THE TIME????

The end of the story is that just as I managed to slip by this child (and almost pushed over an old lady in the process - no regrets), the train doors slammed shut in my face.  I missed the train by about 1 second.  I turned around to see the cause of my problem, and then I PUNCHED HER IN HER TINY ADORABLE LITTLE FACE.

Just kidding.  I went home and wrote a blog about it.

 

 

Unreasonably Attractive People

This will be an abridged version of a post - I may be doing a few shorter ones more often, thanks to a helpful email from my sister:  "Remember when you used to have a blog?" 

So for my one fan, let's talk about Unreasonably Attractive People.  The key word here is "unreasonably."  Young hot movie stars exist to be attractive.  Their attractiveness is reasonable.  I am speaking of people who are unreasonably attractive.  Their attractiveness defies reason.  You look at them and think, this person should not be that attractive for _______ reason.  So yes, this will be a post of my jealousy and insecurity.



Andie MacDowell

Now, this particular lady started out as a hot young actor, much like those I previously referred to.  30 years ago, she was a young twenty something just entering the film scene.  My first memory of her is as gorgeous Dr. Dale Biberman (although I definitely thought it was Beaverman until I just looked it up on IMDB), subject of Emilio Estevez's obsession in classic Brat Pack film St. Elmo's Fire.  Let's take a look at Ms. MacDowell here:

"That's right, AND I'm a DOCTOR!"

Lovely.  Gorgeous.  Who wouldn't stalk that, right?  If she were a President, she'd be Baberaham Lincoln.  Now, if Andie MacDowell had any decency, she would have aged like a normal human being and gotten older.  However, apparently Andie did not feel the need to confine herself to normal homo sapien standards.  Because Bitch.  Did.  Not.  Age.

Let's look at the evidence.  8 or so years later, she was in the American classic Groundog Day.  Playing Rita, the subject of  Bill Murray's obsession (are we sensing a trend here?), a cheerful weather producer. 

"You speak French?"  "Oui."

Look at this crap.  Even in a disgusting vest, Andie MacDowell still looks totally amazing circa 1993.  I'd fall in love with her and spend like 600 days doing it too.  Come on.  She's perfect.

But we can excuse this, right?  It's only 8 years later.  Maybe she was pretty diligent about skincare during those years.  Wore hats and sunscreen.  It's totally understandable.  Let's fast forward.  A lot.  Like 20 years.

Ladies and gentlemen, Andie MacDowell at the Cannes film festival in May 2012:

That's right, complete with boob peeks.

 

 

WHAT SORCERY IS THIS????  There are only a few explanations for this.  1)  Andie MacDowell bathes in the blood of murdered virgins.  2)  Andie MacDowell has a deal with Satan.  3)  ANDIE MACDOWELL IS A WITCH.  

 

She kind of looks fresher and younger than she did 20 years ago.  L'Oreal is probably the smartest company in the world, hiring her to hawk their products, convincing women if they just buy magical conditioner or a special face cream, they will be as well-preserved as Andie "Sorceress" MacDowell.  I'd sacrifice a baby to look like her when I'm in my 50's.  What the shit, Andie???  Why are you more attractive at 54 than I have ever been or will ever be at any age??? Conclusion:  UNREASONABLY ATTRACTIVE.

 

 

Other unreasonably attractive people, for this abridged post:

 

Malia and Sasha Obama

Paul Rudd 

Stacey Dash (something unholy went down on the set of Clueless, and Paul Rudd/Stacey Dash/Donald Faison all made a blood pact with a demon that as long as they never told anyone, they wouldn't age)

Meryl Streep

Chloe Grace Moretz

Daniel Craig