Naturally Skinny People

I feel like I could get some backlash on this one, because it’s technically (supposedly) something people can’t help. Like being gay or having fantastic cheekbones, it’s something you’re born with. Whatever. I hate them all anyway.

You figure it out pretty quickly as a chunky kid that some of your friends look different from you. When it’s time to throw on your bathing suits and hop in someone’s pool, and you’re the last to take off your t -shirt, only revealing your giant one-piece for a split second RIGHT before you jump in…you don’t have to be a rocket scientist to find the root of the shame. None of the skinny kids were huffing and puffing when it came time to run the mile in gym. Ever seen School of Rock? None of those little girls were scared to sing because they were too thin. Nay, Turkey Sub had to hear about how Aretha Franklin could still be fat and famous before she would get up in front of a crowd.

I searched for images of fat kids but it felt really depressingly awful and demeaning. Here is a fat cat.

And here’s what I hate about them: those skinny people will never, ever, ever understand that shame. I’m not saying everything in their lives will go perfectly. I’m not saying being naturally thin equals an easy road. I’m just saying it’s one thing that they’ll never have to worry about, and, in my experience, have a really hard time empathizing with. Nobody ever really makes fun of people for being too skinny. There aren’t a ton of cruel names for super thin people. They’ll never have to be embarrassed about the size clothing they wear, squeezing into a plane seat, breaking a chair…what’s their biggest concern? Blowing over in a windstorm? How sad.


I remember once in high school I knew a girl who was very, very naturally thin. Someone asked her, “Gosh, how much do you weigh?” And she blushed and shrugged, mumbled “I dunno” and walked away. Another girl turned and said to the questioner, “You know, that is just as rude as asking a really heavy person how much they weigh.” Ummmmm. Are. You. Kidding. NO. It is not. People are praised and revered for being super thin! US Weekly throws a party for any lady who loses 10 lbs then heads to the beach! Plus-size models still weigh considerably less than most of the population! Size 0 exists in our world! Come on!

"If a car drives by I might fall over...but these pants are XXS!"

Here’s my other problem. I know being naturally skinny is a thing. I just kind of refuse to believe that if they tried really, really, really hard, those people still wouldn’t get fat. Sure, it’s not their first instinct to sit down and eat a half pound of mashed potatoes and gravy. (It’s not…mine…either.) But if they did that every day for a month, would they still be so stick thin? I think not! All throughout middle school, Stephanie Allen (bless her skinny heart) ate exactly half her lunch every single day. If she ate her whole lunch, would you still misplace her when she turned sideways? The world may never know!

Those of you who are more argumentative or militant may compare this to those who believe you can “pray the gay away,“ and change your sexual orientation if you try hard enough. That is a ridiculous concept. Nobody should force themselves to be with someone they aren’t attracted to just to conform to a bunch of Bible thumpers’ view of what’s right and wrong. BUT - making out with someone of a non-preferred gender is awful. Stuffing your face with Chinese food is awesome. Clear distinction. And thus I hypothesize that anyone who’s “naturally thin” just isn’t trying hard enough. I, for one, am always in it to win it. And that’s why those with stomachs that nature has declared too tiny to pig out really, realllllllyy piss me off.


PS. Some of you may be thinking that my logic also applies to naturally heavy people. Ie, challenge yourself to eat less than you want, and you could become a skinny person. To you I say, shut up. Nobody likes you.

Uneven Couples

Long ago, someone decided that everyone in the world could be placed on a scale of 1-10 in terms of attractiveness. I assume this was etched out in the caves somewhere around the mesozoic era, when the hunter/gatherers were choosing which ladies to club over the head and drag back to their dens.

BROntosaurus approves. Get it? BRO? That wit is called a masters degree, folks.

It stands to reason that generally, folks in the world should match up - 10s would shack up with other 10s, 2s with other 2s, and so on. Perhaps there's a few points' discrepancy here and there, with an 8 lucky enough to land a 9 or a 6 dating down to a 4. But overall, things should even out.

Disclaimer: I admit this is a very heteronormative conversation. I will do some research and make a follow up LGBT post on this subject as well. I'm assuming the Oscar-award winning film She's Out of My League will be involved in my studies. Stay tuned.

Anyway, the overall "things should even out" law of physics is why I find it so upsetting when certain couples choose to throw off the balance of the universe by dating several points above or below their own attractiveness. There's just something that seems so...off about it. I want to stop them and say, "What is going on here? Is he rich? Epically funny? Please, sit me down and explain this situation."

You'll notice I used "he" to describe the lower-numbered mate in this couple. This is because in my scientific calculations, 99.9% of the uneven couples in the world depict a woman dating down. You all know what I'm talking about - the supermodels dating silicon valley multimillionaires, hot ladies jumping all over Adam Duritz in the 90's, Christie Brinkley and Billy Joel...the list goes on.

Now, take a minute and try to think of a super hot guy dating down to a fugly gal. Seriously, try. If you can think of any, please leave a comment. The closest I came is Hugh Jackman's wife Deborah Lee Furness, but in all fairness a) she's not THAT bad, and b) she seems like someone who was probably a hottie when she was younger. And there are all those gay rumors about him...just saying.

Oh come on, nobody is attractive when they eat.

I remember catching an episode of Days of Our Lives years ago with my mom, and seeing one of the loving couples kissing. The woman was short, heavy, and middle aged. The guy was young and virile and looked like every other actor on a soap opera. I can actually recall thinking, "This isn't right," because my young brain had already been socialized to understand that hot men do not, under almost any circumstances, get with lesser ladies - ESPECIALLY if they're a bit on the chubby side. I can just hear his chiseled soap opera buddies saying, "Her?"

I'm not necessarily saying women are not shallow. I went to high school. I saw which guys were getting laid and which weren't. But there is something different about the sexes. Maybe women are more willing to overlook a few extra pounds if a guy is really funny? Really sweet? Really rich? What is it? I don't know! But they're ruining it everyone else. They're throwing off the delicate balance of the universe, and making guys think it's okay for them to be super picky and judgmental of women, because hey, even Jamie Cullum married a supermodel.

Him?

So when I walk down the street and see a 10 and a 4 hand in hand, it's hard to hide my disgust/curiosity/annoyance. It truly makes me irate in a way I can't explain. Maybe this is my own weird issue, but whatever. You can get your own blog and write about the strange shit that pisses you off.