Commuting on the Subway

New York City. Center of the universe. So many parks, theaters...clubs...restaurants...and people. So many people. Many of whom have jobs. That they have to go to every morning. Just like you.

Oh commute, how dost thou suck? Let me count the ways.

If You Have a Seat...

Hahaha, jk. You'll never have a seat. Moving on.

Human Sardines

You've been waiting for like 10 minutes, you're already running late, and then you see it. The glow of a train in the distance. You breathe a sigh of relief. The train zips through the station, slowly pulling to a stop, and as it loses speed, you realize...holy shit. There are approximately one billion people already on this train. In every car. It can't possibly fit anyone else. But...you can make it on, right? Surely they have enough for one more. Hah.

No worries, that guy probably doesn't really need his elbow.

Here's the catch - everyone else next to you is having exactly the same thought. I can make it! And you've all been waiting for like 10 minutes. And everyone has a job to go to. There's no way around it - you ALL have to get onto that car. Get ready to touch some strangers! Hope you enjoy people breathing near your face, I know I do! On opposite day.

A-Hole Pole Huggers

If you've ever been in a subway car, you know the general layout. Some seats on the sides, the bars above them to hold onto, and in many cars, poles throughout for stripper practice. Jk, they are for holding onto as you try not to think about germs. That is, unless you have a life ruiner in your midst.

Oh my God, some creeper TOOK this picture! Like in real life! Add it to the list of subway fears...

No sir or ma'am - you're right. You've had a hard morning. You go ahead and snuggle up to that pole - my hands don't need it to balance while the train lurches back and forth. You deserve it. I'll be fine. Don't you worry your head about me. (That last line is moot - obviously they have no concern for others whatsoever.)

The Seatless Pole-less Spot of Doom

Picture that subway car again. The seats are all full, it's jam packed crowded, everyone has found a pole to grab - except you. Yes, you've found it - the one spot on the subway car that is too far from any pole to grab (at least not without gettin some close one on one time with someone's armpit). Hope there are no big lurches, because you've got to rely on either your balance or the bodies of those around you to keep you standing upright. Good luck with that!

Staring Judgers of Judgeton Abbey

Here's a secret that nobody talks about: being on a subway is like being put in a room with 40 people and being told you're not allowed to look at any of them. What do you think the first and ONLY thing you want to do is? LOOK AT EVERYONE. I go through a daily struggle that involves trying not to stare at the people around me and judge them. I mean sure, I'm a judger, but it's gotta be the right time and place - sitting on a park bench as people walk by...writing in semi anonymity on the internet...these are the times to judge! Not when you're TRAPPED with these people and they can SEE YOU STARING!

Jk - this flawless Queen can judge anyone she wants. She's earned it.

Not everyone has the common decency I do to withold their gaze. Some people are pretty bold with their Judge Judy eyes - and like Bette Davis' eyes before them, Judy will tease you and unease you. You start to wonder about your appearance, if it's able to trap someone's gaze for this long. Did I put on pants today? Do I have a giant booger hanging out? Do I have one of those weird black spots of whoknowswhat that you sometimes find on your face when you're washing your hands in the bathroom, and you wonder how long it's been there and how many people saw it without telling you? TELL ME JUDGMENTAL LADY WHO LIVES ABOVE 145TH STREET - WHAT DO YOU SEE?!?!


Augh. Everyone on the subway is the worst.