Oblivious Parents

Subtitle:  The Time I Almost Punched a Baby


Okay, children are the worst.  We all know that, it's a scientific fact.  Much like periods attracting bears and the bible creation story according to Louisiana textbooks.  But sometimes a glaringly obvious fact goes overlooked - it's not actually their fault most of the time.  They're just little stupid young humans who don't know any better.  They do dumb crap because they are dumb.  Their tiny little brains aren't developed yet.

I don't have to wonder whose fault this is.  I've seen a little movie called Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.  The oompa loompas told me exactly who to blame:

THE MOTHER AND THE FATHER.

 

Or the mother and mother, father and father, aunt and uncle, whatever.  I'm all about the modern families.  

 

 

 

Today, I am not going to talk about the little nightmares who knock everything off the shelves in supermarkets, or who run around screaming in restaurants.  Those are just really obviously terrible children with asshole parents.  It's a given.  (Fear not, my two fans, I won't rule it out for a further longer entry of how they are the worst.)  Nay, today I intend to talk about parents who might not be all-the-time assholes, but they are OBLIVIOUS, and this makes them temporary assholes.

So here's the story.  I was leaving the office today, heading down to the subway.  Everyone else in Manhattan was also leaving work at that hour.  We were all in a rush to get home or a restaurant.  One might say it was rush hour (the time, not the knee-slapping hilarious film starring Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker).

 

To be fair, real life rush hour is nowhere near as painful as the sequels.

 

Everyone was rushing through the halls, and down the stairs - all except a guy and his little toddler daughter.  

 

Now, everyone knows that  toddlers walking is one of the cutest things ever.  Trying to go down stairs?  On their wee little wobbly legs?  Adorable!  Love it.  EXCEPT WHEN I AM TRYING TO CATCH A TRAIN.

 

They weren't even taking up just a little part of the stairs.  She was holding onto his hand and he was standing like two feet away.  There were like 10 people crowded in a little clusterfuck behind them, trying to get by.  Everyone approached the stairs with manic rage, like, "WHAT THE HELL!??! WHY IS THIS STAIRWELL GOING SO SLO---Ohhhh god damn.  There's a tiny adorable baby wobbling down the stairs.  COME ON MAN."

I'm all for teaching kids independence and walking and learning and shit.  But COME ON, you can't grab the kid and pick her up while you're walking down a midtown Manhattan subway staircase at 6:03 pm???  Use your brain!  You're lucky nobody stepped on that child in a mad rush to catch the train!  I'm so happy she's using her tiny little chubby legs to navigate the world of vertical walking, but IS NOW THE TIME????

The end of the story is that just as I managed to slip by this child (and almost pushed over an old lady in the process - no regrets), the train doors slammed shut in my face.  I missed the train by about 1 second.  I turned around to see the cause of my problem, and then I PUNCHED HER IN HER TINY ADORABLE LITTLE FACE.

Just kidding.  I went home and wrote a blog about it.

 

 

Summer

Oh, summertime.  Everyone's faaaavorite season.  EHHHHHHH.  Wrong.  Guess what.  It is secretly the worst 3-4 months out of every year.  The living is NOT easy, Mr. Gershwin.  Nor is it fly when girls stop by for the summer, LFO.  Summer sucks.  It's science.  I can prove it.  Read on.

Heat

Heat is actually so awful I am going to split it into special sub-categories.  You're welcome.

Sunshine

Okay, I know, it "gives life" and "keeps our Earth in rotation."  You know what I say to the sun?  EFF YOU.  I don't like your harsh rays beating down upon my fragile skin!  For those of you familiar with the concept of white privilege, let me tell you, summer sun is one area where we whities lose out, BIG TIME  (For those of you who don't know about white privilege, here you go).  Nay, my Russian and European ancestry is no shield against the hateful sun.  My white ass gets burned from a stroll down the street, so I am forced to wear a goofy hat and 100spf sunblock in order to avoid looking like a lobster.  Okay, I know what you're thinking, and you're right, I actually pull off the hat really well, thanks, but still.  It's a hassle.  And sunblock is EXPENSIVE, PEOPLE!  Even the generic CVS kind!  And if you're dumping it on you even on a cloudy day just to be safe like me, you run through it preeettty quickly. 

Don't worry, my hat is way cuter than this Blossom rip-off atrociousness.

Sweat

I don't generally consider myself a gross person.  I wear deoderant consistently, sometimes even a splash of perfume.  I shower.  I do laundry (enough).  I don't think anyone would refer to me as a "sweaty beast."  Except in the harsh light of the summer sun.  Danny and Sandy were right - something's begun, all right.  Overactive sweat glands.

She looks so sad about her sweat.  I understand, stock photo model.   I understand.

Unlike the delicate lady in the photo, I don't generally have a towel around to mop up my brow filth when the time comes.  And that time is often, thanks to not having air conditioning in my apartment.  Let me tell you, there's no cute way to look like a soaking wet hulk.  At least not for me.  I don't "glow."  I don't "perspire."  My face turns red and I resemble Jennifer Beals.  But only in Flashdance.  And only in the part where she's dumped a bucket of water over herself.  And minus the hot body and the chair and cute outfit.  Also I think she's half black.  Other than that we are twins.

The Subway

New Yorkers can vouch for this one.  There is literally nothing worse than walking along the sidewalk, heading down the subway entrance, swiping your metrocard, and standing on the platform waiting for a train on a scorching day.  Holy shit.  It is the worst, sweatiest, grossest experience ever.  It is the one time and moment of the year where I will admit to a tourist, yeah, this place smells like a fucking shithole.  Everyone just sits there miserably in sweaty silence until the train comes.  Then you hold your breath until you can step onto the sweet sweet air conditioned car.  Unless of course, your train's air conditioning is broken.  In that case you probably just want to go ahead and kill yourself.

 

Children 

I'm generally pretty ambivalent about children, but it's nice to know that 9 months of the year between the hours of 8am and 4pm they generally won't be around.  But those cursed summer months, when school's out for summer/ever, they run this town RAMPANT!  I swear, you can't go anywhere without a bunch of children getting underfoot.  Parks are littered with their tiny selves running around.  Auugh.  Spilling ice cream all over, shrieking and stuff.  I used to work at a summer camp, but at least there I knew what to expect.  When you're just going about your everyday summer life, they come outta nowhere!

  

 DEMONS BE GONE!

 TV on Hiatus

I will fully admit this has changed a lot over the last few years, because cable channels embrace summertime as an opportunity for new programming.  So yes, Dexter, Weeds, True Blood, The Closer, Suits, and many more shows are all coming back in the summer.  But it's the PRINCIPLE, dammit!  I want my shows all the time!  I don't want to wait 3 months to find out what's going on in Pawnee Indiana with Leslie and the gang from Parks and Rec.  How will I be able to stand waiting to see what happens to Juliette on Grimm (don't judge me bitches, that show is awesome).  Who did Dave end up with on Happy Endings??  WHO DIED ON REVENGE?!  TELL ME, TELEVISION GODS!  I am slave to your whims!  I get the same kind of glow during fall pilot season that most people reserve for marriage and giving birth.  TV only just ended last week and I'm already depressed.  

She's worried about feeding her children, I want my TV shows back.  Who has it harder?  Tough call.

Super Inappropriately Dressed People

Many people take summer as an invitation to strip down to their skivvies and show off their body to the world.  Yes, some bodies are probably more desirable than others in this situation, but on the whole I really disapprove of the outfits that come out in the summer.  No, young lady, I did not need to see your butt cheeks hanging out of those things you call shorts.  And why are you just in a bikini top?  This isn't the beach.  Put a damn shirt on.  And get off my lawn. 

All sorts of weird tank tops come out, nasty jorts (jean shorts), some ladies who really really need to be wearing bras decide to let it hang free...just so many awful things happen.  And of course, the worst thing of all - THE ROMPER.

 It makes Blake Lively look dumpy, people.  BLAKE LIVELY.  I assure you the average New Yorker DOES NOT LOOK LIKE BLAKE LIVELY.  Oh my dear god this looks awful on everyone.  And it's called a ROMPER.  What is wrong with the world?

There you have it.  While the rest of the country flees to the beaches, stretches out on a blanket in the park, and strips down to their summer wear, I will be holed up in my apartment, sweating even as I hug a fan, dreading the next time I have to step foot outside into the crushing sun and heat.  And really, as global warming takes us all over, it's only going to get worse for people like me.  What's Alaska like?  Finland has sweet healthcare, right?  Gotta keep my options open.

  Is it September yet?

Child Beauty Pageants

It’s nothing new to say that children are being sexualized way too young nowadays. I won’t beat a dead horse by talking too much about all the slutty outfits made for little girls, provocative song lyrics, popular rap that talks about raping bitches or what not, kids as young as 11 or 12 “sexting,” etc. We all know this country is headed to hell in a hand basket. It’s fine. I’ve embraced it.

What I can never, ever deem okay is the sickening weirdness of child pageantry. Parents (mostly mothers) who paint hooker makeup on their 6 year old, give her giant fake curls and extensions, slap on some fake teeth, put her in a bikini and shove her out on a stage to be judged by a bunch of weirdos - when did this become a standard practice? Who was the first person to say, “You know what might be fun? Exploiting little gals and making em dance around for us!” I am far too lazy to do research into the history of child pageants, but suffice it to say it’s probably nauseating.

That dog's eyes are screaming, "REALLY, HUMANS? REALLY!?"

These shows like Toddlers in Tiaras show the ins and outs of this strange strange world, and the few episodes I’ve managed to stomach are just too disturbing to make me a consistent fan. I don’t judge those who do watch - I happily view many other train wreck shows (Intervention, Hoarders…god bless you A&E), but for some reason seeing these little brats prance around and do awkward dances or singing is just too horrifying for me. I’m not sure why it affects me so - maybe because they feature parents who are supposed to help and guide their children through life, and instead they’re instilling body image issues onto these little kids? Maybe because they’re proudly spending thousands of dollars to dress these girls in slutty costumes?

To the parents who say it’s good for them, builds skills, it’s a positive social experience…I say, what in the fuck are you talking about? Throwing your daughter up on a stage, pitting her against other girls, forcing her to directly compare her self worth and beauty to the others around her, and having the outcome tied directly to a fucking prize? Are you kidding? They’re jumping on the lady oppression bandwagon really early in life, and it’s weird and sad to watch these baby girls be turned into competing women way too soon. And to all the parents who say, “She wants to do it! I just can’t stop her, she loves it!” Here’s a tip for you: Just. Fucking. Say. No. You. Can’t. Be. In. A. Pageant. I. Am. The. Parent. The. End.

Because she can't afford these trashy ruffles, orange earrings, self-tanner, lip liner, lipstick, eyeshadow, eyeliner, mascara, fake lashes, and fake teeth on her own. I promise.

Not to make any sweeping generalizations about certain parts of the country, but I’ve never seen a baby pageant queen from non-Bible-belt territory. The Midwest and South really seem to have the edge on this trashy business. I guess it’s naïve to think that these pageants don’t occur in the Northeast or West Coast as well, but I just don’t think they’re as big of a deal. It is a bona fide industry in these good ol’ homegrown red states. It’s funny that the people who are sexualizing their daughters extremely young and letting them prance around in glitzy skank outfits - outfits sometimes identical to those of a Vegas showgirl - are the same ones voting to diminish women’s rights over their bodies. (Okay, I’m sure there are a few liberal pageant moms here and there, but…come on.) It makes perfect sense, really - these people have already determined that girls are just objects for you to stare at, not to think about as actual human beings who may have rights and values. Bleh.

And so I urge you, all 10 people reading this, to never allow a daughter of yours to enter a child beauty pageant. Don’t worry. She’ll learn that pretty people win and that hating other women is a part of life soon enough.