Commuting on the Subway...PART TWO

In the months since my first rant about the subway, I've had some time to reflect.  Some time to look inward.  Some time to look in the mirror and say, "Hey - what about you?  Could you be part of the problem?  Are you being too harsh on people who are just trying to get to work, like you are?  Should you give them another chance?"

We deal with mostly the same problems, he and I.

No.  The resounding, unanimous answer that I came up with is no.  Because in those months, I've actually discovered that the subway is even worse than I thought.  Read on if you dare.


Yankees Fans

 I've been a New Yorker for about 9 years now, and have been admonished a number of times for never making the choice.  You know, the choice every New Yorker has to make.  The one that says which side you're on.  Who your allies are.  Where your enemies lie.  And I have to say, I just never cared much to decide.  I didn't have any dog in the fight.  Why pick?  It seemed silly.  It was like N* SYNC vs. Backstreet Boys.  I could never decide there, either.  They both serve their purpose!  They both have their moments!  They both want me back after I broke up with them, and want to express it musically.  Can't we all just get along?

Well thanks to commuting on the subway, I have made a choice, folks.  GO.  METS.  Fuck the fucking Yankees.    

Why?  Because I'm lucky enough to live off the subway line that takes you to Yankee Stadium.  And I've been forced to confront the fact that the Yankees have THE DUMBEST FANS TO EVER RIDE THE SUBWAY.  DEAR LORD.

Callous, unfeeling BASTARDS.

They do not know how to stand on the subway to maximize space.  This is problematic since around the time I am leaving work, it's rush hour anyway.  The Yankers fill up subway cars with astonishing speed.  I can't describe to you the depression I feel when the subway finally pulls into the station, grinds to a halt, and the doors open, only to reveal a bumbling mass of navy and white stripes and absolutely no more room for even one more person.

It's not just the space they take up.  That would be bad enough.  But no, they stumble around like fools when people need to get on or off around them.  They are very often DRUNK and LOUD, with absolutely no respect for people who are just trying to get home from a long work day.  They don't give a crap if there are children around.  They have no concept of other people's space or existence.  They are rude, stupid, oblivious fools.   

I understand most of them don't ride the subway very often, if ever.  But when in Rome, DO AS THE FUCKING NEW YORKERS DO!  Come on, it is not that hard to figure out how to step aside and let someone by, so they don't have to physically shove you out of their way.  Do I get a little bit of pleasure out of it?  Maybe!  But that's not the point!

Ergo I am a Mets fan.  Long live the Mets.

Oh my god, this is literally like the first 10 results that come up when you google Mets fans.  This is the saddest, most pathetic thing I have ever seen.

Men and their Junk

I don't want to get too graphic here.  I don't know what it's like to have male parts.  But I do know what it's like to have lady parts, and I can tell you that they're not always that convenient either.  However, my ladyparts inconvenience rarely TAKES UP AN ENTIRE TWO SEATS ON THE SUBWAY BECAUSE I'M AN ASSHOLE.

 

You aren't exempt, you old bastard.  Shut those legs.  Don't give me that look.

COME ON!  Your man sitting stance is ruining EVERYONE'S LIVES.  If there are only HALF the correct number of seats on the subway, can you see how that might be a problem?  Squeeze your damn knees together and suffer like the rest of us, boys.  Your balls can handle the trip.

Subway Performers (Dance Style)

Let's just get the disclaimer out of the way first:  yes, there are WAY WORSE ways to make money.  I respect the fact that it's an honest way of earning cash.   And I'm not saying they're not talented.  They could easily star in a moving about stepping up.

But I also do not want to fear getting kicked in the face while I'm trying to go home from work.  So there's that.

See how thrilled everyone is....?

I'll say it again - it's not that I'm not impressed!  Great job, young people.  You are super flexible and strong.  No, I cannot hold myself up on a subway pole like that.  You sure are amazing.  But it's just not my chosen venue, you know?  The subways are crowded to begin with, and when someone asks you to move aside so they can spin themselves on their own heads...it feels a little tedious.  Come on.  Just keep your legs to yourself.  Please don't kick me in the face.  Please.  I don't have any extra money to give you anyway.  I'm sorry.

I'm sure there's only more to come.  Be prepared for Volume 3 sometime soon.

Moving

A new year, a new you, a new apartment! What a way to make a fresh start - is anything more satisfying than stepping foot into a new place, knowing it's about to become your home? What could be better than that?

Answer: anything. Literally anything.

Moving is the absolute worst. Those of you in normal towns and suburbs are probably like, "Yeah, I guess, but whatevs - how often does it happen?" Well anyone in New York City knows that answer is about once every one or two years. In my 8 1/2 years as a New Yorker, I've never lived anywhere longer than 22 months. That's a lot of moving. Luckily it means I can bring to you in great detail everything that sucks about it.

"Of course you can bring Teddy! After all, it's not like you'll have any friends in our new town!"

Packing Your Shit

You didn't think you were a hoarder, until faced with all of your shame...

"I haven't even lived here that long. How the hell did I get all this stuff?! What IS this pile of papers? Why did I save it? Who gave me this weird book? I haven't worn these boots in 4 years, why do I still have them?" Then there's wrapping your breakables - why the hell is newspaper so crappy that it turns your fingers black? No wonder that industry is dying, they can't even keep their ink on the page! These are the terrible thoughts going through everyone's head as they pack up however many months/years of crap that has accumulated in their space. I throw away a ton of stuff every time I move, yet I still seem to have two dozen boxes' worth of shit. And while we're on the subject of boxes - they're a total pain in the ass to buy. Have you ever tried to carry an armful of flat boxes that haven't been put together yet? It's awkward as hell, and sometimes you drop them and people stare. I wouldn't know, but it happened to a friend of mine.


Transporting Your Shit

"Welcome to your hell, minions!"

The squatting. The lifting. The dropping things on your foot. The misery of taping boxes closed and then realizing there were 4 more things you wanted to squeeze in. Piling everything in a vehicle, hearing crashes and praying to a higher power that wasn't the box with the glass vase you didn't have enough newspaper to wrap. And if you live in New York, you've probably rented a U Haul and are driving fearfully through the ridiculous traffic of the city, praying to God nobody drives in your 8 foot blind spot on either side of the most poorly designed vehicle to ever exist. Holy shit is that scary. And of course, if you bump into anything, it's all your fault. If you break anything, you only have yourself to blame. Unless of course, you decide to...

Pay Someone Else to Move Stuff For You

Comes complete with an attractive onesie, adult sized for your comfort!

You can buy anything these days! There are people who will whisk away your boxes, put them in a truck, drive that truck to your new apartment, unload those boxes into your new place, and you won't have to touch a thing! It's amazing. There are those awkward moments where you're just kind of standing around watching them pick up your stuff, trying to read their faces to see if they're judging your packing abilities or your apartment, but all in all it's a pretty pleasant experience. Why then, you ask, would it be on this list of the worst things about moving? Because in order to hire people and to do a lot of other things associated with moving, you must...

Spend a F!@&$load of Money

Poor tax indeed, Mr. Moneybags. Poor tax indeed.

You know what moving does? It reaches into your pocket, takes out your wallet, wipes its ass with every penny you have, and laughs as you desperately scramble to find ways to save a dollar here or there so you're not completely broke when the process ends. There's first month's rent, a security deposit, a broker's fee if you used one - and those are just the big bucks! Turns out U Haul actually makes YOU pay THEM money to drive their death traps! Weird, right? Those boxes you slaved over setting up? Those cost money, and so does the devil tape that you have to use to shut them! Did you want to get this newfangled thing called "the internet" in your new apartment? Cause it costs extra money for them to come set that up for you. No counter space in your new place? Need an island? A dark corner requiring another lamp? Delivery food the first few nights before you can fill your fridge again? Money, money, and more money. Whether you moved up to a deluxe apartment in the sky or downgraded to a little shanty...you are now poor. Congrats.

Oh, and enjoy the new place. If you can still see it through your tears of abject poverty.

Stupid Walkers

New York has, perhaps more than any other city in the world, many stereotypes associated with it and the people who live there. Not all of them are true – New Yorkers are not rude, the city does not smell like urine (okay, unless someone peed on that block), and it's not an unsafe place, I promise!

Minus the very occasional terrorist threat like the one that took down those two beautiful towers. Heh, heh....! Too soon?

We do have some universal traits, though. Yeah, we kinda think we're better than every other city. SOME (not all) of the cab drivers really do drive like psychotic fathers-to-be trying to get their 9 months pregnant wife to the hospital. And yes. We are always, always in a rush. But – we don't expect everyone else to be! I don't mind if you walk slowly. Go for it. However, if you make it impossible for me to continue along at my pace appropriately, I dub thee a Stupid Walker.

Sidewalk life ruiners tend to come in three varieties. First, the...

STOP AND SLAMMERS

You're strolling innocently along, keeping the speed of those around you. Maybe you're humming to some music, enjoying the sunshine, going to where you gotta go. Then – BAM!

My face after it slams into the back of your head.

The asswipe in front of you has gotten some monumentally important text message, or suddenly needs to tie their shoe right this second, or look at a freaking building, and YOU'RE THE ONE paying for it with a quick snuggle to their backside. No sir, I didn't want my face on your jacket either, but since you stopped so suddenly, I assumed it could only mean we should hug.

Was this not what you wanted?

WTF is wrong with these people? They are the essence of oblivious narcissists, not understanding or acknowledging that – gasp – other people are around them. Stopping short in the middle of a sidewalk is equivalent to stopping your car in moving traffic to lean down and turn your radio to a different station. And guess what, they give people tickets for that shit. (Mental note – create and start carrying around “Walking Infraction Tickets.” Throw them at people who do stupid shit while saying, “YOU GOT SERVED!”)

Granted, some of the time these people are just average looking New Yorkers on a douche bender. However, much of the time they appear to be...

DUMB TOURISTS

Notice I didn't say ALL tourists! Tourists are great. I love tourists. They keep our fair city running. I have stopped and helped many lost tourists with directions over the years. I myself have been a tourist in many other cities. But I try to be a smart tourist, not a dumb one.

Hi there! We're here to make your life a living hell.

It's as simple as this: standing in the middle of the sidewalk is really, really, really annoying to everyone else trying to use that space. I understand you're lost and you need to look at that map, but can't you do it two feet to your left? This isn't quite as offensive if there's just two of you, but when your whole class trip of 20 people has formed a map-reading posse in the middle of the fucking sidewalk, that's a problem.

"YES, THIS IS A GOOD PLACE TO CHECK OUR BEARINGS. HAND ME THAT MAP."

I've lost count of the number of times I've been forced to walk in the street trying to dodge cars and bikes just to be able to continue moving down the street. I don't even bother saying, “Excuse me,” and attempting to elbow my way through anymore – because they always seem to have tourist earmuffs on that don't allow simple things like that to register (not a language issue – I'm pretty sure the gesture “get the fuck out of my way” is universal). So congratulations, you chorus group from Kansas or mom jeans/fanny pack convention from Alabama – you've endangered my life.

Tourists are at least pretty rare, unless you're in Times Square, and why would you be there unless you absolutely had to be? Nay, there's another walking offense that occurs far more often with natives...

SIDEWALK STEALERS

Everyone needs friends, right? I love friends. Friends are awesome. But when I'm out walking with my friends, we don't walk in a single line as if we are deciding who Red Rover should send over.

Hahahhaha, nice try KATIE!!!

DEAR GOD, GET OUT OF MY WAY. Once again I'm forced into the street to possibly get hit by a car because you needed to take up the entire sidewalk with your camaraderie. It's not like I'm asking for single file, here – you can easily let me around if you just walk in pairs or even three across on wider sidewalks – I just cannot physically push through an entire wall of people.

It's fine if you wanna walk and talk with a group, but when you see someone coming, drop the fuck back and let me by! Easy as that. Moms out together with strollers are another huge offender in this category – I'm glad your twins are pals with that other baby over there, but together your giant strollers have formed a Transformer called Optimus Sidewalk and it's ruining my life.

Mothers, ROLL OUT!

All of you. You are all ruining my life, every day. How much is it to ask for you to use your head when you walk down the street?

Too much, I guess. PREPARE TO BE SERVED.