Sunday, February 12, 2012


A new year, a new you, a new apartment! What a way to make a fresh start - is anything more satisfying than stepping foot into a new place, knowing it's about to become your home? What could be better than that?

Answer: anything. Literally anything.

Moving is the absolute worst. Those of you in normal towns and suburbs are probably like, "Yeah, I guess, but whatevs - how often does it happen?" Well anyone in New York City knows that answer is about once every one or two years. In my 8 1/2 years as a New Yorker, I've never lived anywhere longer than 22 months. That's a lot of moving. Luckily it means I can bring to you in great detail everything that sucks about it.

"Of course you can bring Teddy! After all, it's not like you'll have any friends in our new town!"

Packing Your Shit

You didn't think you were a hoarder, until faced with all of your shame...

"I haven't even lived here that long. How the hell did I get all this stuff?! What IS this pile of papers? Why did I save it? Who gave me this weird book? I haven't worn these boots in 4 years, why do I still have them?" Then there's wrapping your breakables - why the hell is newspaper so crappy that it turns your fingers black? No wonder that industry is dying, they can't even keep their ink on the page! These are the terrible thoughts going through everyone's head as they pack up however many months/years of crap that has accumulated in their space. I throw away a ton of stuff every time I move, yet I still seem to have two dozen boxes' worth of shit. And while we're on the subject of boxes - they're a total pain in the ass to buy. Have you ever tried to carry an armful of flat boxes that haven't been put together yet? It's awkward as hell, and sometimes you drop them and people stare. I wouldn't know, but it happened to a friend of mine.

Transporting Your Shit

"Welcome to your hell, minions!"

The squatting. The lifting. The dropping things on your foot. The misery of taping boxes closed and then realizing there were 4 more things you wanted to squeeze in. Piling everything in a vehicle, hearing crashes and praying to a higher power that wasn't the box with the glass vase you didn't have enough newspaper to wrap. And if you live in New York, you've probably rented a U Haul and are driving fearfully through the ridiculous traffic of the city, praying to God nobody drives in your 8 foot blind spot on either side of the most poorly designed vehicle to ever exist. Holy shit is that scary. And of course, if you bump into anything, it's all your fault. If you break anything, you only have yourself to blame. Unless of course, you decide to...

Pay Someone Else to Move Stuff For You

Comes complete with an attractive onesie, adult sized for your comfort!

You can buy anything these days! There are people who will whisk away your boxes, put them in a truck, drive that truck to your new apartment, unload those boxes into your new place, and you won't have to touch a thing! It's amazing. There are those awkward moments where you're just kind of standing around watching them pick up your stuff, trying to read their faces to see if they're judging your packing abilities or your apartment, but all in all it's a pretty pleasant experience. Why then, you ask, would it be on this list of the worst things about moving? Because in order to hire people and to do a lot of other things associated with moving, you must...

Spend a F!@&$load of Money

Poor tax indeed, Mr. Moneybags. Poor tax indeed.

You know what moving does? It reaches into your pocket, takes out your wallet, wipes its ass with every penny you have, and laughs as you desperately scramble to find ways to save a dollar here or there so you're not completely broke when the process ends. There's first month's rent, a security deposit, a broker's fee if you used one - and those are just the big bucks! Turns out U Haul actually makes YOU pay THEM money to drive their death traps! Weird, right? Those boxes you slaved over setting up? Those cost money, and so does the devil tape that you have to use to shut them! Did you want to get this newfangled thing called "the internet" in your new apartment? Cause it costs extra money for them to come set that up for you. No counter space in your new place? Need an island? A dark corner requiring another lamp? Delivery food the first few nights before you can fill your fridge again? Money, money, and more money. Whether you moved up to a deluxe apartment in the sky or downgraded to a little are now poor. Congrats.

Oh, and enjoy the new place. If you can still see it through your tears of abject poverty.