Saturday, August 3, 2013

Movie Things That Never Happen in Real Life

I love movies.  I love movies so much I went to school to major in loving movies.  I love good movies, I love bad movies, I love movies with happy endings and sad endings and all the kinds of endings in between.  I love movies.


There is some crap that goes down in movies that I am just tired of.  I'm tired of the movies thinking I'll just keep quiet about it.  I will not go quietly into the night, movie industry.  Your unrealistic scenes have gone FAR ENOUGH.  I am doing the brave thing and writing about it on a blog that 12 people total have ever read.

Now, when I say unrealistic, I don't mean aliens, or time travel, or superheroes, or what have you.  I suspend my disbelief happily for all of those things.  I mean the little things.  I mean things that just don't happen in real life, because they don't make any sense.

"I'll Have a Beer."

This line has been uttered in countless movies, in many situations.  Sometimes a dude in a movie had a rough day, maybe he broke up with his girlfriend, maybe he just got a crooked cop in trouble, maybe he's meeting a pal for a drink to talk about gals.  But when he says, "I'll have a beer," my soul dies a little.  Because everyone in real life knows what would happen after someone says that.  Everyone knows what line would realistically come next.

"Uh....what kind?"

"Otherwise it's just the most expensive one, douchebag."

There are approximately one billion different types of beer, with different flavors and costs and bottles and drafts and COME ON, screenwriters!  I know there's copyright stuff and all, but can't you just get Budweiser or Blue Moon or whoever to throw a couple of bucks into your movie so you can actually say the name of a beer brand?  Because "Generic Movie Beer" isn't exactly cutting it for some of us who like a little realism in our films!

Everyone Hangs Up on Their Friends

My real life phone conversations end a little something like this, from my end.  "Okay, well I've gotta go get these errands started.  Yeah.  Yup, you too.  Yeah, no later.  Okay.  Sounds good.  You too.  Bye."

Apparently movies don't believe anyone needs to be polite, because most phone calls end with, "Okay see you there."  DONE.  Hang up.  No pleasantries, no goodbye, no exchanges!  Just a click!  Some don't even have that!  It is shocking that anyone in movies still has friends.  

"Yeah, it's actually crazy how much I hate you!  I don't know how I haven't made it more clear!"

Nobody Ever Pees

Unless it's part of the plot somehow, nobody's ever sitting on a toilet or straddling a urinal in a movie.  I mean, intellectually I get this - it's not that interesting for anyone to run off to the bathroom for a few minutes while the other characters wait for them to come back.  But still!  Come on!  Even in movies when the action is taking place entirely over the course of a few hours or an entire day, noooboody seems to need a pee break.  There must be a lot of really rough and painful crotches running around in movies, man.  Bladder infections are no joke.  

UTI:  not just a poorly named school.

Drivers Actually Need to Watch the Road

I love a good meaningful gaze as much as the next person, but I also like to avoid car crashes.  It seems that's not as much a priority for people in movies.  

Harold and Kumar love rocking out to Wilson Philipps...AND CRASHING.

I understand acting usually requires interaction with another person, and feeding off their vibe and what not, but unfortunately in car scenes that usually means several seconds of prolonged eye contact while supposedly driving at the same time.  Now, it's been awhile since driver's ed, but I'm pretty sure "keep your eyes on the road" is a very basic and main thrust of the course content.  Romantic scenes are particularly guilty of this - a guy gazes longingly at the woman next to him, deep in love, while in real life their car would be hurtling towards the median, and if he survived, he'd be on his way to jail.