Thursday, February 14, 2013

Oblivious Parents

Subtitle:  The Time I Almost Punched a Baby

Okay, children are the worst.  We all know that, it's a scientific fact.  Much like periods attracting bears and the bible creation story according to Louisiana textbooks.  But sometimes a glaringly obvious fact goes overlooked - it's not actually their fault most of the time.  They're just little stupid young humans who don't know any better.  They do dumb crap because they are dumb.  Their tiny little brains aren't developed yet.

I don't have to wonder whose fault this is.  I've seen a little movie called Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.  The oompa loompas told me exactly who to blame:

Or the mother and mother, father and father, aunt and uncle, whatever.  I'm all about the modern families.  
Today, I am not going to talk about the little nightmares who knock everything off the shelves in supermarkets, or who run around screaming in restaurants.  Those are just really obviously terrible children with asshole parents.  It's a given.  (Fear not, my two fans, I won't rule it out for a further longer entry of how they are the worst.Nay, today I intend to talk about parents who might not be all-the-time assholes, but they are OBLIVIOUS, and this makes them temporary assholes.

So here's the story.  I was leaving the office today, heading down to the subway.  Everyone else in Manhattan was also leaving work at that hour.  We were all in a rush to get home or a restaurant.  One might say it was rush hour (the time, not the knee-slapping hilarious film starring Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker).
To be fair, real life rush hour is nowhere near as painful as the sequels.
Everyone was rushing through the halls, and down the stairs - all except a guy and his little toddler daughter.  
Now, everyone knows that  toddlers walking is one of the cutest things ever.  Trying to go down stairs?  On their wee little wobbly legs?  Adorable!  Love it.  EXCEPT WHEN I AM TRYING TO CATCH A TRAIN.
They weren't even taking up just a little part of the stairs.  She was holding onto his hand and he was standing like two feet away.  There were like 10 people crowded in a little clusterfuck behind them, trying to get by.  Everyone approached the stairs with manic rage, like, "WHAT THE HELL!??! WHY IS THIS STAIRWELL GOING SO SLO---Ohhhh god damn.  There's a tiny adorable baby wobbling down the stairs.  COME ON MAN."

I'm all for teaching kids independence and walking and learning and shit.  But COME ON, you can't grab the kid and pick her up while you're walking down a midtown Manhattan subway staircase at 6:03 pm???  Use your brain!  You're lucky nobody stepped on that child in a mad rush to catch the train!  I'm so happy she's using her tiny little chubby legs to navigate the world of vertical walking, but IS NOW THE TIME????

The end of the story is that just as I managed to slip by this child (and almost pushed over an old lady in the process - no regrets), the train doors slammed shut in my face.  I missed the train by about 1 second.  I turned around to see the cause of my problem, and then I PUNCHED HER IN HER TINY ADORABLE LITTLE FACE.

Just kidding.  I went home and wrote a blog about it.