Sunday, June 24, 2012


Despite what Bradley Cooper, Zach Galifianakis and Ed Helms show us in the movies, hangovers in real life are not all hijinks and getting stalked by drug dealers and marrying strippers.  Well, maybe some people's are, but mine definitely aren't.  They are a several hours-long misery fest of shame and sadness.  What makes them so terrible?

Disclaimer:  from what I understand, hangovers are like snowflakes.  No, not refreshing and delightful - but no two are the same.  I'm just going on my own morning after drinking experiences here.


His came from working out, mine came from drinking.  But who lost more weight?  Check and mate.

The morning after a rough night, there is literally not enough water on this planet we call Earth to satiate me.  It starts the moment you wake up - it feels like someone forced you to have that spit-sucking thing the dentist uses in your mouth while you slept.  It is maybe the worst way to start any day.  Water never seems cold or plentiful enough, but your stomach is too weird to drink it fast anyway, so it kind of seems like a pointless endeavor.  All you can do is lie on the couch and watch The Fugitive (widely known as the best hangover movie ever of all time).


 Give in, lady - only Harrison Ford and Tommy Lee Jones can help.

Have you ever had someone beat you repeatedly in the head with a hammer?  Me either, but I expect it's pretty much the same as a hangover headache.  The dull but constant thud of endless pain that never seems like it's going away.  Water?  Whatever.  Advil?  Hah.  Nice try, idiot.  Your Hangover Headache cares not for your feeble human attempts at control!


Pull your hair back, AMATEUR!!

If there's throwing up, it usually comes in the middle of the night for me (TMI?  Welcome to my blog, newcomers!), but I know that sometimes there's some residual tummy issues the next day.  The nausea is similar to the headache - sort of a dull, constant thing threatening to ruin your life at any moment.  There's a sort of churning inside, and you're not really sure when it's going to happen or even if it will, but you don't want to stray far from a toilet just in case.  And of course, there's always the likely possibility it'll come out the other end, leading me to our next point....


I don't really know the story behind this photo, but maybe if you're holding a beer on the toilet you should be rethinking some of your life choices.  And what's with the white box - is he slowly being erased from the photograph because he went back in time and changed stuff so that he wouldn't be born?

If the puking paragraph didn't drive you away, perhaps this delightful subject will.  Much like reality stars, I didn't come here to make friends, okay?  I came here to WIN.  The internet.  With my honesty.  So let's talk about post-drinking poo.  Obviously, alcohol is a kind of poison, which is why your body so wholeheartedly rejects it in every way.  Your digestive tract doesn't escape this hellish assault, and it's a safe bet that before hangover's end, you will need to spend some quality time with a toilet.  This particular bullet is pretty tempting to put in the "pro" column, though, because let's be real - there is nothing more satisfying then expelling all of last night's poison.  You feel pretty awesome after.  

See?  I didn't get that graphic.

Food:  Cure or Mortal Enemy?

 I will either make you feel awesome or send you back to bed all day.  The choice is yours and yours alone.

Everyone has their own go-to hangover meal - experts feel some protein is probably a good idea to help soak  up the sugars, but obviously there's a ton of variations on that advice.  Bacon egg and cheese sandwiches are a grand tradition, along with greasy omelettes, tuna melts, and cheeseburgers.  Sometimes it makes you feel 100% better, like a new man - those days are the best.  But every once in awhile your cure hits your stomach the wrong way, and, well....just look to the above two paragraphs.

People Who "Just Never Get Them!"

 "Maybe I just don't drink as much as you."  "Shut up."

Inevitably, if you can pull yourself together enough during your hangover to make human contact, you will complain of your plight to whoever will listen.  And also inevitably, one of your friends will respond, "Oooh, sucks.  So weird, I never get them!"  Why?  Why would you say that to someone suffering?  Do you say, "Oooh, that sucks, I don't have it" to your friend who just got diagnosed with cancer?  (YES IT'S SIMILAR.)  No!  Because it's rude!  They don't need to hear that!  I'm sooooooo happy that your body is totes chill with whatever alcohol concoctions you put into it, but some of us just aren't as lucky, okay?  So keep your perfect Sunday morning of delightful hangover-free existence to yourself!

It's Your Fault, You Loser
 So, this picture came up when I searched "shame on you" in google, but I had to post it, because, REALLY Winona, you're gonna tell me about what's shameful while you willingly put on overalls as your entire outfit?  That's not even remotely sexy, now or in 1995 when people wore overalls.  You just look like you woke up naked in a plow field and stole the only clothing you could find in the farmer's shed.

Let's get down to the real reason why hangovers are the worst - you have nobody to blame but yourself.  Unless your friends like strapped you down and forced alcohol down your throat, in which case, that's actually assault and you should probably talk to the police and get some new friends or something.  But for most of us, the shame is all our own - you ordered that 4th drink, you moron.  You had a sip of someone's gin and tonic while you held your wine in the other hand.  You DRANK LIQUOR AFTER BEER, STUPIDFACE!   What is wrong with you?  Why would you do this to yourself!?  Why are you so dumb!?  You can complain all you want, but when you look in the mirror the culprit is staring right back at you.  And you tell yourself this will never happen again.  You'll make better decision next time.  Things will really start to turn around after this.  Hah.  Right.