Saturday, December 24, 2011

Sitting Through the Totally Lame Parts of Your Favorite Movies

Ahhh, the holiday season. A time to curl up on the couch with a mug of cocoa, indulge in a tray of cookies because it's bulky sweater time and no one will be able to tell you gained 5 lbs, relax and laugh with friends, and best of all...turn on your favorite movies. The vacation days are a great time to re-watch everything you love! Those films you can quote at the drop of a hat, the classics that have had such an impact on your truly is the most wonderful time of the year.

That's why it hurts me to tell you this secret that deep down, you already knew: large chunks of those movies totally blow.

Exhibit A: Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

Anyone between the ages of 20-40 should be able to quote this movie verbatim. I'm a firm believer that it should be required to graduate high school - if you can't finish the sentence, "A little nonsense now and then, ______" I'm not sure I want to be your friend. Gene Wilder perfectly embodies the ridiculousness of Willy Wonka and his magical world - any kid who sees it wants nothing more than to visit and take a big ol bite of a candy umbrella, as long as it doesn't get you shoved up a tube like that fatty Augustus. Gloopy never had a chance.

The "Augh, this part" moment: The entire beginning until they get to the factory.

"Don't worry, I'm only in one scene...cause my ungrateful son of a bitch son took his fucking Grandpa to the factory instead of me."

Yeeeah. Remember how Charlie has a whole family and stuff, and they're dirt poor and the mom sings about how her kid is depressed and hungry? "Cheer Up Charlie," or as we called it in my house, "Cheer upjieaceia;miw;aofjeiwaofjegaaoifjeeiwofw," because we fast forwarded that shit as soon as her boring face appeared on screen. We get it, he's sad and they're poor. BRING ON THE OOMPA LOOMPAS!!!

Exhibit B: The Sound of Music

Whether or not you're a fan of musicals, it's undeniable that this movie has permeated American culture to a ridiculous degree - everyone knows the song "My Favorite Things," whether or not you've seen the film. I defy you to find someone who can't at least hum "So Long, Farewell." Despite very little in the way of religious theme (I mean yeah, Julie Andrews was a nun, but then she dumped that crap to marry a hottie! Upgrade!), the movie always pops up as a classic around holiday time. I happily settle in for the three hours every time they air it.

The "Augh, this part" moment: The boring hour between Maria leaving the Von Trapps and coming back. Actually, really until the Nazi part blows up in their face.

"This glowing light is to keep you awake!"

That conniving ho Baroness Von Schroeder successfully convinces Maria that she's in love and has to leave, and Maria says "Yeah I guess that's cool," packs her shit and heads out the door. Then the slowest, boringest parts ensue: Reverend Mother sings, "Climb Every Mountain," the kids wander around being depressed and pissy at the Baroness, and then Maria comes back and in the most subdued and boring way possible shacks up with Captain Von Trapp.

"Why should Liesl be the only one hooking up in this gazebo?"

They sing a boring song to each other ("Something Good"), get married (where her supposed "friends" from the abbey sing "How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria" as she walks down the aisle. Really, bitches?) and then act all boring for awhile longer before Captain Vonny remembers how badass he is and starts fighting the Nazis. Then the real action starts back up! FUCKIN ROLF!!!

Exhibit C: Singin' in the Rain

One of the most perfect musicals - nay, films - ever made, this Gene Kelly wonder is just pure happiness. I'd rather watch Donald O'Connor goof around musically with his broad physical comedy songs than any of the skimpy booty shakin' them kids are into these days. It's a classic, and with good reason - Gene perfectly encapsulates those days when you're so thrilled, so happy with life, that even a pouring rainstorm can't wipe the smile off your face.

The "Augh, this part" moment: Broadway Melody.

"Oh you mean...THIS HAT? Jk, I don't actually have a single line in this film."

Or as you probably refer to it, "The weird part in the middle that doesn't really make any sense or have any place in the movie whatsoever." Gene Kelly is describing a musical number that's going to be in the movie within the movie - it turns into a fantasy sequence that lasts for-ev-er and does nothing to further the plot.

My serious and true guess is that two things happened: Number one, Gene Kelly said, "I'm co-directing this and I'll do whatever I want. I choreographed this song and it's going in the movie. I'm Gene Fucking Kelly." There isn't even a modern day equivalent to this guy - he was like a combo of James Cameron and Tom Cruise - in other words, you did what he wanted, no questions asked. Number two, Cyd Charisse said, "Hey, I'll be in this movie if you want." They had no other place for her, so she went into a dream sequence. Why not? Debbie Reynolds was enough for me, though, and I often find myself fast forwarding to get the characters back to the story.

Exhibit D: Gone With the Wind

Considered by some to be the greatest American film ever made. A sweepingly epic tale, telling the most American story of all - the Civil War. It's produced some of the most famous lines in movie history - Rhett telling Scarlett he frankly doesn't give a damn? Come on, people - that's screenwriting. The costumes, the camera work, the love story that unfolds over gives me shivers just thinking about Vivien Leigh's big eyes staring up at Clark Gable, silently (and sometimes not so silently) begging him to love her.

The "Augh, this part" moment: All the parts with boring Ashley, boring Miss Mellie (except when she's givin birth to babies, which some people don't know nothin' bout), all the war and fire parts, and pretty much every part without Rhett and Scarlett together, except the parts when they're all happy and they have a kid cause that part's kinda lame too. Okay, honestly, all but like 50 minutes of this 4 hour film are kinda boring.

"I'm not sure why you think you're in love with me...I'm incredibly annoying and my name is ASHLEY."

"Now THIS - this is sexy and exciting. And my name is Rhett. That' s a damn man's name."

I bet a lot of the people who claim they've seen this entire movie are big fat liars, because it's actually really hard to sit through. It has its die-hard fans, but can they even really defend how long and drawn out things get? Scarlett's just a manic depressive narcissist, which is fun sometimes, but watching her sabotage her life for 3 hours can make you a little squirmy. Watching Rhett put her in her place is what makes it all worth it. Cause as far as the rest is concerned...frankly, I don't give a damn. (See what I did there?)

How about you, all 10 of my readers - what are your least favorite parts of your favorite movies? Leave it in the comments!

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Wilmer Valderrama

Someone seriously needs to sit me down and explain the Valderrama phenomenon. I need to hear from a sane, rational person why this dude cleans up in the ladies department. Because I don't get it, and it really really pisses me off.

Let's just move directly to photo evidence.

Here is Wilmer.


He is famous for being on one show. It was on for 8 years. He was by far the most annoying character and did only one shtick the entire time.

Now, let's see who Wilmer has somehow managed to trick into dating him.

Ariana Richards
"It's okay, I won't be famous anymore in about 5 minutes."

Huh? Yes. It's Lex from Jurassic Park. Weird. I assume this relationship ended when she noticed his resemblance to a tricerotops with that hairdo. Clevahh giirl.

Mila Kunis

"I've made a huge mistake."

Okay, I get it. She was young, they had just started on a TV show together...she didn't realize yet that she was way hotter than could happen to anyone. I assume one day she got smart, woke up and said "Hey - I can do SO MUCH BETTER!" Then promptly dumped him.

Jennifer Love Hewitt

"This is where our baby will go, Wilmer."

This one actually makes a lot of sense. She's proven herself to be desperate and needy as hell, so I assume she'd date the garbage man if he smiled at her nicely. I'll venture that Wilmer ended this one when she took him engagement ring shopping after 3 weeks of dating.

Mandy Moore

"This is what teen pop stars do, right? Get a famous boyfriend?"

Okay, I see how this one started. She had just gotten famous, didn't realize what was out there yet, some guy who's on a semi successful TV series shows some could happen to anyone. But it lasted a LONG time, which causes me to judge Miss Mandy. I assume this ended when even her C List movie career made her more famous than him and she dropped his ass like a sad sack of potatoes.
Lindsay Lohan

"This guy's WAY more mature than my last boyfriend Aaron Carter! See, I have a track record of good decision making!"

Auuugh. Here's the point where he started getting kinda skeevy, because Lindsay was only 17 when they started dating (he's about 6 years older). That's a kind of extreme age difference for a teenager, and they denied they were a couple until she turned 18 and then they magically started living together. At this point, he started becoming more famous for dating people than for being on TV. I assume this ended when Lindsay overheard Ashton tell Wilmer he had a thing but let's do something soon, and she realized she was suddenly much more famous than her unemployed boyfriend.

Ashlee Simpson

"My dad said it will make me more famous if I steal Lindsay Lohan's boyfriend."

I don't really care much about this one, because I can't be bothered to put much effort into worrying about someone named Ashlee. But he still wasn't doing anything in his life when they got together...I don't think being Punk'd qualifies as a success. She hopped on the bandwagon to piss off Li Lo, in my opinion. I assume this ended when her dad realized what a skeev bomb Wilmer was and forced them to break up.

Avril Lavigne

"Maybe this will help us both stay relevant."

I routinely forget Avril Lavigne exists, so I guess this one was fine. I assume it ended when they both realized it wasn't helping them get into any tabloids.

Okay, you're saying to yourself. He's not the greatest looking fella of all time, and he doesn't appear to have had a job in the last several years, but...nobody's perfect. Why a whole blog post devoted to hating him?


That there is a highlight of topics he discussed on the Howard Stern show back in 2006. He detailed his sexual relationships with most of these women (J Love Hew is an 8, for those of you wondering), talked about how long his man parts are, and just bragged in general about his Don Juan de Hollywood status. No, I didn't want to know you took Mandy Moore's virginity, or that Ashlee Simpson is a screamer in bed.

Holy tasteless asshole, batman. Are you kidding? In what part of any decent guy's brain do you go on national radio to talk about your sex life with ANYONE, let alone other famous women? How does it not occur to you that these women have families and friends who will hear this, along with - oh, I don't know, EVERYONE IN THE COUNTRY?!

Maybe he was just desperate because he hadn't had a steady income for awhile, but throwing your past relationships under the bus for a few minutes of people going, "Oh yeah, I remember that guy - wow, he must be a real asshole" doesn't seem worth it to me.

It seems to me most women would write him off forever after this. This brings us to our final picture and Wilmer's current flame:

Demi Lovato

"You approve of our relationship, right Luis Guzman?" "Girl don't bring me into this."

For those of you who might not be aware, Demi Lovato was a Disney channel star who had a highly publicized breakdown and was shipped off to rehab to deal with depression, self harming, bulimia, and some rumored drug issues. When she emerged fresh faced and ready to deal with the world, that apparently included shacking up with our dear ol' friend Wilmer. And I do mean ol'. There is a 12 year difference between these two. He's like Matthew McConaughey in Dazed and Confused (the joke about how he gets older, but the girls stay the same age), only it's REAL LIFE AND THESE ARE REAL PEOPLE. Stay classy, Wilmer.

Dear Demi, while I won't lie and say I have ever watched your Disney show or listened to your pop music, I am still a human being. Therefore I want to personally address you and say, GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS AND BREAK UP WITH THIS DOUCHEBAG. You've already dated the gayest Jonas brother, so we know your relationship compass doesn't exactly point due North. I'm no expert, but it seems like some guy who has already gone on national radio to exploit his girlfriends and publicly announce incredibly private details about them MIGHT NOT BE A WINNER. I DON'T KNOW. THIS IS JUST A GUESS.

So someone out there...can you explain it to me? Why he hasn't been forced into celebate monkhood yet? Why women still sign up for his "I banged that" club? Because I am at a loss.

PS I aint a thief. Most of these pictures came from this website.