Saturday, September 22, 2012

People Who Are Terrible at Doors

You know what they say about doors.  Windows to the soul.  Opening to the house.  Entrance to the room.  Band from the 70's with Jim Morrison.  Doors are great - they provide privacy, keep in warmth or cold, they slam really satisfyingly when you are leaving the room during an argument. 

There are also a shocking number of people in the world who suck at using them.

Pull or Push.  It's Hard.

We've all been there.  You approach a door with confidence and aplomb, you reach out your hand triumphantly, you grip the handle, give a yank, and...nothing.  You were mid-stride, and now if you haven't already crashed into the door, you look like an idiot anyway.  Red-faced, you push instead, pray not too many people saw you, and go about your day.

Truly one of life's greatest struggles.

UNLESS.  Unless you are one of the failures who for some reason is so, so sure that you were correct the first time.  Your confidence was just in such ship-shape today that you know there's just no way you were not supposed to pull on that door.  You continue to pull, and pull, despite a crowd queuing up behind you, and you remain so sure that you're correct, all the while ignoring the fact that you are ruining countless lives at this moment.  Sometimes a helpful bystander tries to speak up.  "Uh - it's...push."  If you hear them, you usually give a look somewhere between, "Oh God, this is humiliating" and "Fuck you dude, I TOTALLY knew that."  If you don't hear it, you continue to make everyone's lives terrible with your stupidity and ego.

Oh, Did You Also Want to Go Through This Door?

When a bunch of people need to go through the same door, all in a row, there are certain codes of etiquette you follow.  Sure, there's the old standard of holding open a door for someone, whether it's allowing them to go through first, or holding it open behind you - but if someone is right there, so close there's no need to hold it open, most people give the door a little push to open it wider.  Those are nice people.

You know who are not nice people?  The douchebags behind them who slip through the door without touching it at all.  They take advantage of the kindness in front of them, and fail to pass it on.  Because I'm a lucky gal, I often find myself right behind these people.  They whisk through the door with ease, oblivious or uncaring that anyone is behind them, and then it slams in my face.  Let's review, since this can be hard to picture.

 Glass on your face actually doesn't feel great, contrary to popular belief.
Nice person enters a door, pushes it open behind them.
Terrible person slips through, failing to push or hold it open
Door slams shut behind them
I want to murder them

This one is extra offensive because it requires a real level of asshole not to understand that people are behind you during the morning rush.  When a door slams shut in my face, and I have to pull it open, everyone behind ME is now off their game, and we all want to kill you.  Happy now?

Hmmm....I've Walked Through a Door...What Now?

This is most often a tourist offense.  When you're lucky enough to work in a building famous enough for people to come visit it as a tourist attraction like me, you run into these people a lot.  They open a door, and you'd think they'd just stepped into technicolor Oz.  Open mouthed, they stop walking, look up and all around, hands reaching for camera, while you, the poor sucker behind them, are just trying to get to your office.

"Do you think we're blocking anyone?"  "Nah, I don't think that many people live here in New York City."

I'm not hating on tourists - I get it, cool buildings are neat to look at - but have the common decency to take a few more steps in before stopping short in your TRACKS to take photos!  Good lord, it's not that difficult!  And God help you if this happens at the top or bottom of an escalator - if I'm behind you, I will shove you out of my way with no remorse.  You are actually endangering the lives of people behind you, because we are on a conveyor belt of stairs that won't stop, even if you do.

Doors have been around for thousands of years.  It's actually kind of remarkable that there are people who still haven't figured out how they work and how to use them like decent human beings.  I hate everyone.