Sitting Through the Totally Lame Parts of Your Favorite Movies

Ahhh, the holiday season. A time to curl up on the couch with a mug of cocoa, indulge in a tray of cookies because it's bulky sweater time and no one will be able to tell you gained 5 lbs, relax and laugh with friends, and best of all...turn on your favorite movies. The vacation days are a great time to re-watch everything you love! Those films you can quote at the drop of a hat, the classics that have had such an impact on your life...it truly is the most wonderful time of the year.

That's why it hurts me to tell you this secret that deep down, you already knew: large chunks of those movies totally blow.

Exhibit A: Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

Anyone between the ages of 20-40 should be able to quote this movie verbatim. I'm a firm believer that it should be required to graduate high school - if you can't finish the sentence, "A little nonsense now and then, ______" I'm not sure I want to be your friend. Gene Wilder perfectly embodies the ridiculousness of Willy Wonka and his magical world - any kid who sees it wants nothing more than to visit and take a big ol bite of a candy umbrella, as long as it doesn't get you shoved up a tube like that fatty Augustus. Gloopy never had a chance.

The "Augh, this part" moment: The entire beginning until they get to the factory.

"Don't worry, I'm only in one scene...cause my ungrateful son of a bitch son took his fucking Grandpa to the factory instead of me."

Yeeeah. Remember how Charlie has a whole family and stuff, and they're dirt poor and the mom sings about how her kid is depressed and hungry? "Cheer Up Charlie," or as we called it in my house, "Cheer upjieaceia;miw;aofjeiwaofjegaaoifjeeiwofw," because we fast forwarded that shit as soon as her boring face appeared on screen. We get it, he's sad and they're poor. BRING ON THE OOMPA LOOMPAS!!!

Exhibit B: The Sound of Music

Whether or not you're a fan of musicals, it's undeniable that this movie has permeated American culture to a ridiculous degree - everyone knows the song "My Favorite Things," whether or not you've seen the film. I defy you to find someone who can't at least hum "So Long, Farewell." Despite very little in the way of religious theme (I mean yeah, Julie Andrews was a nun, but then she dumped that crap to marry a hottie! Upgrade!), the movie always pops up as a classic around holiday time. I happily settle in for the three hours every time they air it.

The "Augh, this part" moment: The boring hour between Maria leaving the Von Trapps and coming back. Actually, really until the Nazi part blows up in their face.

"This glowing light is to keep you awake!"

That conniving ho Baroness Von Schroeder successfully convinces Maria that she's in love and has to leave, and Maria says "Yeah I guess that's cool," packs her shit and heads out the door. Then the slowest, boringest parts ensue: Reverend Mother sings, "Climb Every Mountain," the kids wander around being depressed and pissy at the Baroness, and then Maria comes back and in the most subdued and boring way possible shacks up with Captain Von Trapp.

"Why should Liesl be the only one hooking up in this gazebo?"

They sing a boring song to each other ("Something Good"), get married (where her supposed "friends" from the abbey sing "How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria" as she walks down the aisle. Really, bitches?) and then act all boring for awhile longer before Captain Vonny remembers how badass he is and starts fighting the Nazis. Then the real action starts back up! FUCKIN ROLF!!!

Exhibit C: Singin' in the Rain

One of the most perfect musicals - nay, films - ever made, this Gene Kelly wonder is just pure happiness. I'd rather watch Donald O'Connor goof around musically with his broad physical comedy songs than any of the skimpy booty shakin' them kids are into these days. It's a classic, and with good reason - Gene perfectly encapsulates those days when you're so thrilled, so happy with life, that even a pouring rainstorm can't wipe the smile off your face.


The "Augh, this part" moment: Broadway Melody.

"Oh you mean...THIS HAT? Jk, I don't actually have a single line in this film."

Or as you probably refer to it, "The weird part in the middle that doesn't really make any sense or have any place in the movie whatsoever." Gene Kelly is describing a musical number that's going to be in the movie within the movie - it turns into a fantasy sequence that lasts for-ev-er and does nothing to further the plot.

My serious and true guess is that two things happened: Number one, Gene Kelly said, "I'm co-directing this and I'll do whatever I want. I choreographed this song and it's going in the movie. I'm Gene Fucking Kelly." There isn't even a modern day equivalent to this guy - he was like a combo of James Cameron and Tom Cruise - in other words, you did what he wanted, no questions asked. Number two, Cyd Charisse said, "Hey, I'll be in this movie if you want." They had no other place for her, so she went into a dream sequence. Why not? Debbie Reynolds was enough for me, though, and I often find myself fast forwarding to get the characters back to the story.


Exhibit D: Gone With the Wind

Considered by some to be the greatest American film ever made. A sweepingly epic tale, telling the most American story of all - the Civil War. It's produced some of the most famous lines in movie history - Rhett telling Scarlett he frankly doesn't give a damn? Come on, people - that's screenwriting. The costumes, the camera work, the love story that unfolds over time...it gives me shivers just thinking about Vivien Leigh's big eyes staring up at Clark Gable, silently (and sometimes not so silently) begging him to love her.


The "Augh, this part" moment: All the parts with boring Ashley, boring Miss Mellie (except when she's givin birth to babies, which some people don't know nothin' bout), all the war and fire parts, and pretty much every part without Rhett and Scarlett together, except the parts when they're all happy and they have a kid cause that part's kinda lame too. Okay, honestly, all but like 50 minutes of this 4 hour film are kinda boring.

"I'm not sure why you think you're in love with me...I'm incredibly annoying and my name is ASHLEY."

"Now THIS - this is sexy and exciting. And my name is Rhett. That' s a damn man's name."

I bet a lot of the people who claim they've seen this entire movie are big fat liars, because it's actually really hard to sit through. It has its die-hard fans, but can they even really defend how long and drawn out things get? Scarlett's just a manic depressive narcissist, which is fun sometimes, but watching her sabotage her life for 3 hours can make you a little squirmy. Watching Rhett put her in her place is what makes it all worth it. Cause as far as the rest is concerned...frankly, I don't give a damn. (See what I did there?)

How about you, all 10 of my readers - what are your least favorite parts of your favorite movies? Leave it in the comments!

Wilmer Valderrama

Someone seriously needs to sit me down and explain the Valderrama phenomenon. I need to hear from a sane, rational person why this dude cleans up in the ladies department. Because I don't get it, and it really really pisses me off.

Let's just move directly to photo evidence.

Here is Wilmer.

Bahahaha.

He is famous for being on one show. It was on for 8 years. He was by far the most annoying character and did only one shtick the entire time.

Now, let's see who Wilmer has somehow managed to trick into dating him.

Ariana Richards

"It's okay, I won't be famous anymore in about 5 minutes."

Huh? Yes. It's Lex from Jurassic Park. Weird. I assume this relationship ended when she noticed his resemblance to a tricerotops with that hairdo. Clevahh giirl.

Mila Kunis

"I've made a huge mistake."

Okay, I get it. She was young, they had just started on a TV show together...she didn't realize yet that she was way hotter than him...it could happen to anyone. I assume one day she got smart, woke up and said "Hey - I can do SO MUCH BETTER!" Then promptly dumped him.

Jennifer Love Hewitt

"This is where our baby will go, Wilmer."

This one actually makes a lot of sense. She's proven herself to be desperate and needy as hell, so I assume she'd date the garbage man if he smiled at her nicely. I'll venture that Wilmer ended this one when she took him engagement ring shopping after 3 weeks of dating.

Mandy Moore

"This is what teen pop stars do, right? Get a famous boyfriend?"

Okay, I see how this one started. She had just gotten famous, didn't realize what was out there yet, some guy who's on a semi successful TV series shows some interest...it could happen to anyone. But it lasted a LONG time, which causes me to judge Miss Mandy. I assume this ended when even her C List movie career made her more famous than him and she dropped his ass like a sad sack of potatoes.

Lindsay Lohan

"This guy's WAY more mature than my last boyfriend Aaron Carter! See, I have a track record of good decision making!"

Auuugh. Here's the point where he started getting kinda skeevy, because Lindsay was only 17 when they started dating (he's about 6 years older). That's a kind of extreme age difference for a teenager, and they denied they were a couple until she turned 18 and then they magically started living together. At this point, he started becoming more famous for dating people than for being on TV. I assume this ended when Lindsay overheard Ashton tell Wilmer he had a thing but let's do something soon, and she realized she was suddenly much more famous than her unemployed boyfriend.

Ashlee Simpson

"My dad said it will make me more famous if I steal Lindsay Lohan's boyfriend."

I don't really care much about this one, because I can't be bothered to put much effort into worrying about someone named Ashlee. But he still wasn't doing anything in his life when they got together...I don't think being Punk'd qualifies as a success. She hopped on the bandwagon to piss off Li Lo, in my opinion. I assume this ended when her dad realized what a skeev bomb Wilmer was and forced them to break up.

Avril Lavigne

"Maybe this will help us both stay relevant."

I routinely forget Avril Lavigne exists, so I guess this one was fine. I assume it ended when they both realized it wasn't helping them get into any tabloids.

Okay, you're saying to yourself. He's not the greatest looking fella of all time, and he doesn't appear to have had a job in the last several years, but...nobody's perfect. Why a whole blog post devoted to hating him?

BECAUSE HE'S A SKEEVY ASSHOLE.

That there is a highlight of topics he discussed on the Howard Stern show back in 2006. He detailed his sexual relationships with most of these women (J Love Hew is an 8, for those of you wondering), talked about how long his man parts are, and just bragged in general about his Don Juan de Hollywood status. No, I didn't want to know you took Mandy Moore's virginity, or that Ashlee Simpson is a screamer in bed.

Holy tasteless asshole, batman. Are you kidding? In what part of any decent guy's brain do you go on national radio to talk about your sex life with ANYONE, let alone other famous women? How does it not occur to you that these women have families and friends who will hear this, along with - oh, I don't know, EVERYONE IN THE COUNTRY?!

Maybe he was just desperate because he hadn't had a steady income for awhile, but throwing your past relationships under the bus for a few minutes of people going, "Oh yeah, I remember that guy - wow, he must be a real asshole" doesn't seem worth it to me.

It seems to me most women would write him off forever after this. This brings us to our final picture and Wilmer's current flame:

Demi Lovato

"You approve of our relationship, right Luis Guzman?" "Girl don't bring me into this."

For those of you who might not be aware, Demi Lovato was a Disney channel star who had a highly publicized breakdown and was shipped off to rehab to deal with depression, self harming, bulimia, and some rumored drug issues. When she emerged fresh faced and ready to deal with the world, that apparently included shacking up with our dear ol' friend Wilmer. And I do mean ol'. There is a 12 year difference between these two. He's like Matthew McConaughey in Dazed and Confused (the joke about how he gets older, but the girls stay the same age), only it's REAL LIFE AND THESE ARE REAL PEOPLE. Stay classy, Wilmer.

Dear Demi, while I won't lie and say I have ever watched your Disney show or listened to your pop music, I am still a human being. Therefore I want to personally address you and say, GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS AND BREAK UP WITH THIS DOUCHEBAG. You've already dated the gayest Jonas brother, so we know your relationship compass doesn't exactly point due North. I'm no expert, but it seems like some guy who has already gone on national radio to exploit his girlfriends and publicly announce incredibly private details about them MIGHT NOT BE A WINNER. I DON'T KNOW. THIS IS JUST A GUESS.


So someone out there...can you explain it to me? Why he hasn't been forced into celebate monkhood yet? Why women still sign up for his "I banged that" club? Because I am at a loss.



PS I aint a thief. Most of these pictures came from this website.

The Duggars Continuing to Have Children

Dear Duggars,




STOP. STOP. STOP. STOP. THAT'S ENOUGH. WE GET IT. CHECK. MESSAGE RECEIVED.

I can't even with this family.

"I don't know how it happened," Jim Bob joked.

I do. You can't climb off your wife for long enough to let her uterus recover from the last baby you shoved in there.

"We are so excited," Michelle said. "I was not thinking that God would give us another one, and we are just so grateful."

If by "God" you mean "Your questionably straight husband who has declared himself King of your Vagina," Michelle, then yes, I guess that's what has happened.

I'm a mildly religious gal, I can appreciate the idea that God creates life. But you know what else God created? BIRTH CONTROL.

People who are so anti science and technology sure are willing to use it a heck of a lot when it benefits them. They don't have a television, yet they fund their personal Jesus Army with a hefty paycheck from TLC, don't they? They believe that when Michelle "Clown Car Uterus" Duggar gets pregnant again, it's a miracle of life and God willed it so, yet when that child is born extremely premature and the delivery nearly kills baby and mom, there's no reason they shouldn't use all the best medical science possible to ensure that child lives. I'm not wishing death upon their kids or anything, but it certainly reeks of hypocrisy to me.

Enough. Get separate bedrooms or something. Snip his vas deferens. Tie your tubes. Remove your uterus. Because frankly, it's a fuckin miracle it hasn't fallen out in protest already.


***EDIT/UPDATE*** It has. Three times.

Stupid Walkers

New York has, perhaps more than any other city in the world, many stereotypes associated with it and the people who live there. Not all of them are true – New Yorkers are not rude, the city does not smell like urine (okay, unless someone peed on that block), and it's not an unsafe place, I promise!

Minus the very occasional terrorist threat like the one that took down those two beautiful towers. Heh, heh....! Too soon?

We do have some universal traits, though. Yeah, we kinda think we're better than every other city. SOME (not all) of the cab drivers really do drive like psychotic fathers-to-be trying to get their 9 months pregnant wife to the hospital. And yes. We are always, always in a rush. But – we don't expect everyone else to be! I don't mind if you walk slowly. Go for it. However, if you make it impossible for me to continue along at my pace appropriately, I dub thee a Stupid Walker.

Sidewalk life ruiners tend to come in three varieties. First, the...

STOP AND SLAMMERS

You're strolling innocently along, keeping the speed of those around you. Maybe you're humming to some music, enjoying the sunshine, going to where you gotta go. Then – BAM!

My face after it slams into the back of your head.

The asswipe in front of you has gotten some monumentally important text message, or suddenly needs to tie their shoe right this second, or look at a freaking building, and YOU'RE THE ONE paying for it with a quick snuggle to their backside. No sir, I didn't want my face on your jacket either, but since you stopped so suddenly, I assumed it could only mean we should hug.

Was this not what you wanted?

WTF is wrong with these people? They are the essence of oblivious narcissists, not understanding or acknowledging that – gasp – other people are around them. Stopping short in the middle of a sidewalk is equivalent to stopping your car in moving traffic to lean down and turn your radio to a different station. And guess what, they give people tickets for that shit. (Mental note – create and start carrying around “Walking Infraction Tickets.” Throw them at people who do stupid shit while saying, “YOU GOT SERVED!”)

Granted, some of the time these people are just average looking New Yorkers on a douche bender. However, much of the time they appear to be...

DUMB TOURISTS

Notice I didn't say ALL tourists! Tourists are great. I love tourists. They keep our fair city running. I have stopped and helped many lost tourists with directions over the years. I myself have been a tourist in many other cities. But I try to be a smart tourist, not a dumb one.

Hi there! We're here to make your life a living hell.

It's as simple as this: standing in the middle of the sidewalk is really, really, really annoying to everyone else trying to use that space. I understand you're lost and you need to look at that map, but can't you do it two feet to your left? This isn't quite as offensive if there's just two of you, but when your whole class trip of 20 people has formed a map-reading posse in the middle of the fucking sidewalk, that's a problem.

"YES, THIS IS A GOOD PLACE TO CHECK OUR BEARINGS. HAND ME THAT MAP."

I've lost count of the number of times I've been forced to walk in the street trying to dodge cars and bikes just to be able to continue moving down the street. I don't even bother saying, “Excuse me,” and attempting to elbow my way through anymore – because they always seem to have tourist earmuffs on that don't allow simple things like that to register (not a language issue – I'm pretty sure the gesture “get the fuck out of my way” is universal). So congratulations, you chorus group from Kansas or mom jeans/fanny pack convention from Alabama – you've endangered my life.

Tourists are at least pretty rare, unless you're in Times Square, and why would you be there unless you absolutely had to be? Nay, there's another walking offense that occurs far more often with natives...

SIDEWALK STEALERS

Everyone needs friends, right? I love friends. Friends are awesome. But when I'm out walking with my friends, we don't walk in a single line as if we are deciding who Red Rover should send over.

Hahahhaha, nice try KATIE!!!

DEAR GOD, GET OUT OF MY WAY. Once again I'm forced into the street to possibly get hit by a car because you needed to take up the entire sidewalk with your camaraderie. It's not like I'm asking for single file, here – you can easily let me around if you just walk in pairs or even three across on wider sidewalks – I just cannot physically push through an entire wall of people.

It's fine if you wanna walk and talk with a group, but when you see someone coming, drop the fuck back and let me by! Easy as that. Moms out together with strollers are another huge offender in this category – I'm glad your twins are pals with that other baby over there, but together your giant strollers have formed a Transformer called Optimus Sidewalk and it's ruining my life.

Mothers, ROLL OUT!

All of you. You are all ruining my life, every day. How much is it to ask for you to use your head when you walk down the street?

Too much, I guess. PREPARE TO BE SERVED.

Adults Who Make Third Grade Grammar Mistakes on a Regular Basis

Before you jump down my throat for being a grammar Nazi, I ask you to note two things: number one, didn’t you read my post about comparing people to Nazis? Asshole. Number two, please look at the title again, carefully. Then read on.

From Kim Karshadian's Twitter:

@KimKardashian Kim Kardashian Good workout today! Did everyone get there's in?

Look how my boobs stay up on they're own!

Okay, I know Kim Kardashian doesn’t exactly set the gold standard for intelligence, but this is a frighteningly common mistake amongst our population. There. Their. They’re.

A place with unlimited Chinese food? I want to go to there.

Their family adopted a boy from Korea named Annyong.

Alison’s farts? They’re the worst smelling things in the world!

There. Their. They’re. Everyone did not get there’s in, Kim. People may have gotten theirs in. Like I wanna get my slap in your face. Speaking of your...



Possessive. Not possessive. That’s all you need to know.

These are your hammer pants.

You’re the only person I know who still has hammer pants.

If you can’t replace it with “you are,” it’s your. That’s all you need to remember, people. Why is that so hard?

Speaking of possession...


What can I say, I belong to the little green wedge. It's not. That. Difficult.


The honeybadger killed the prey with its sharp teeth.

Honeybadger don't care if it's dangerous out there.

If you can't replace it with "it is," then you need to write its. Got it?


Now back to the title of this post: the key words here are THIRD GRADE GRAMMAR and REGULAR BASIS. I rarely smite people for incorrect use of a semi colon or whom vs. who - these are things a lot of people don’t learn until they’re a little older, and I understand that kind of stuff is easy to let slip. But when you correct anyone on “you’re/your” or “their/there/they’re,” they almost always KNOW what they did was wrong afterwards. Because everyone learned that shit when they were seven years old! There’s NO excuse.

At the same time, I’m not unreasonable - I understand the occasional flub, especially in a quick text message or instant message, gchat conversation, whatever. It happens. As some of my friends know, that doesn’t stop me from correcting you when it happens, but it doesn’t make me groan with shame and disrespect.

I also get called a bitch sometimes. But this bitch has a badge, suckas!

This brings me to the “regular basis” piece - there are people - people I have worked with - who had master’s degrees - that made these mistakes so fucking often that I was embarrassed to be employed by the same institution that hired them. That’s when I truly start to question your intelligence, because if you’re screwing these simple basic words up so often that it becomes an office joke, you need to look at your life and your choices. No, I don’t believe anyone truly made the choice to misspell everything or use their/they’re/there inappropriately, but they did make the choice not to read over their email again. They did make the choice not to have a trusted friend with a sharp eye read over their email before they sent it out to several colleagues. And that’s where the annoyance comes in - if you know you write like shit, you better have some plan in place to correct it, because you don’t want to be seen as the village idiot. Unless you don’t think you write like shit. In that case I don’t know what to do with you. Go walk into traffic.

Are you happy now? Idiot.

I could go on about this general issue for 10 more pages - discussing how “acrossed” (across’d? acrost? How do people assume that is spelled?) is Not. A. Word. Or how “alls we have to do” makes me want to punch a baby. Alot is never, never, never a single word (auto correct wouldn’t even let me type it without a fight!). Apostrophes are so misused it's almost useless to discuss. I could also write an entirely separate entry about spelling errors, although I tend to be a bit more forgiving with those, having several highly intelligent friends who are notoriously shitty spellers.

I could also make an entirely separate entry about how anyone under the age of 20 is seemingly incapable of communicating effectively and clearly - thanks to lax school standards, email, text messaging, tweeting, etc., spelling out full sentences seems to have gone down the drain. As someone whose job used to involve many many emails from 18 years olds*, I can tell you the "urs," "thx," and "plz" are now considered appropriate by today's children. Holy shit do I fear for the future.

But nay, for now I will only focus on the little things. Because when you can't handle the simple stuff - the stuff you were supposed to know by fourth grade - you need to grab a childrens' grammar book, hunker down, and study. No matter how technology changes, I think writing will still be around for awhile. Learn how to do it.





*That makes me sound like I was a professional molester or something. I worked with college students, you dirty minded bastard!

Sister Wives

In case you aren’t familiar, TLC broadcasts a show about a polygamist family featuring one husband with FOUR wives and a shitload of children. I’ve seen several clips, read several articles about them, and I am hounded with their commercials whilst I’m trying to enjoy quality normal people television like Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll fully disclose that I don’t think I’ve ever seen a full episode. If you don’t think that means I have the authority to write a rant about them…I don’t care.

Problem #1 - HIM?

Still rocking a Farrah 'do, in 2011? Way to stay strong, buddy.

As Arrested Development once said…he must be funny or something, right? Great personality? (Note: From the clips I have seen, he is neither.) I’m against polygamy as an institution, which I’ll discuss more further down, but I have to admit that if Brad Pitt suddenly showed up with a harem of wives starring Angelina Jolie as their squad leader, I’d maybe grudgingly understand the ladies’ point of view. I mean, it’s Brad Pitt. So he’s got a few extra women in the house…nobody’s perfect.

But THIS GUY? First of all, he comes off as a total fucking douche bag. He’s an egomaniac (you’d have to be, right?), whiny, annoying, and all around just an overgrown man child. And. Butt. Ass. Ugly. If you’re signing away your equality as a woman and consenting to split a man with three other women, at least have the decency to pick a guy who looks like Henry Cavill or something.

What? Other wives? Why...sure...whatever you say Henry...

Problem #2 - Inequality - Not Just About the Gays

I’d be a little more inclined to accept polygamy if the door swung both ways. If not only could men marry a truckload of ladies, but women were free to collect several husbands as well. However, this practice is OBVIOUSLY forbidden in their offshoot of Mormon religion. Kody himself admitted it would “make him sick” if his wife had another husband lurking around. RED FLAG, LADY? Come on! You’re forced to be okay with him collecting wives like baseball cards, but if you even suggest the same for yourself, your religion would kick your ass to the curb. Where’s the equality there? The partnership of marriage?

Lots of religions are completely slanted towards men as the power holders (I don’t know much about Wiccan, but it seems like they’re all about the Lady Power. Willow doesn‘t seem like she would‘ve taken shit from a man), but condoning and encouraging a man to take multiple wives is such a blatant expression of male dominance. They skirt around the legality issue by calling the last 3 wives his “spiritual wives” or some shit like that, but to me that’s an even more dangerous thought - what kind of protection do those women have financially and legally? I guess he’d be forced to take care of the children if something were to happen to the marriage, but here’s a tip - you only get alimony if you have a piece of paper that says the state recognizes you two are married, sweetheart.

Much like the wacky sister wives comedy Le Divorce, starring Naomi Watts and Kate Hudson as sister wives battling it out for the child support of their mutual husband! No, I didn't see it, why do you ask?

Lots of people (including the sister wives themselves) insist they know what they’re getting into, they want this life, and they consented happily to everything. Here’s the problem with that: most of them were raised in families and in a patriarchal religion that taught this was okay. They have been fundamentally corrupted by growing up in a world where women are by definition less important than men. The sexism is so built into their religion that I fear they don’t know enough to question its oppressive nature. Just because you think it’s okay doesn’t mean it actually is. Lots of young women forced into prostitution think it’s okay because their pimp “loves” them and treats them nicely. It’s still abuse. Yeah, I know it’s an extreme comparison and that Kody isn’t slapping them around or anything, but there’s an inherent emotional power he holds over them that I find very comparable.

Problem #3 - I Believe the Children are Our Future

And this family is NOT teaching them well and letting them lead the way. They’re actually just teaching them that all of #2 is okay and expected for when they themselves grow up. Little girls, throw out your self respect now, cause one day you’ll grow up to be one QUARTER of a marriage as well!

Also, how much time can one father give to the classroom-size family he has? I’m guessing he hits up the Duggars for tips, but considering the sister wives don’t even all live in the same house, I don’t really see how he can be a present father for ANY of them.

Problem #4 - People Judge Us and Treat Us Unfairly Now!

BECAUSE YOUR ASS SIGNED UP FOR A TELEVISION SHOW THAT BROADCASTS YOUR ILLEGAL LIFESTYLE.

Why are you surprised that people are against the way you’re living? It’s so frowned upon that not even regular Mormons (haha oxymoron) condone it. It’s illegal in every single state. As I referenced above, I know that three of them are only his “spiritual wives” or whatever, but they’ve made it clear on national television that they consider themselves one big happy family. So what made you think it was a good idea to say, “Hey, let’s make a TV show about what we’re doing!”

I think the one on the left is secretly trying to strangle that brunette, but she just can't reach.

They’ve compared it to how people think homosexuality is wrong, and in many states it’s illegal. To that I say - BULLSHIT SHENANIGANS. Homosexuality is still illegal in many states because of bigotry, fear and hatred. Polygamy is illegal in every state because it’s sexist, harmful, oppressive and stupid. It does way more to diminish the “sanctity of marriage” than two dudes getting married ever could.

Problem #5 - No, Really, HIM!?

People Comparing Stuff to Nazis and Hitler

Disclaimer: Sorry for the lack of pictures on this post, but I don't really want photos of Nazis or Hitler on my blog.

I happen to think Americans in general are fairly dumb. It’s the only explanation for why Two and a Half Men has so many viewers, right? Our country’s education system is very publicly in the shitter. Our basic grasp of facts is woefully shaky. We’re stupid about pretty much every subject there is - and history is no exception. So why am I still surprised when people seem to completely misunderstand who Adolf Hitler was and what Nazis did?

It seems to happen on a weekly basis nowadays. Just recently, Hank Williams Jr. compared Obama and Boehner playing golf together to Hitler and Netanyahu. Playing golf? Together? I don’t know, that doesn’t make sense on a lot of timeline and logic levels, but I guess he was trying to say two people whose ideals are fundamentally different and probably do not enjoy each other’s company were playing golf together, and attempting to be funny about that. Here’s the thing. When you use those people, you’re assigning one of them as Hitler and one of them as Netanyahu. No matter who touches their nose and calls “No Hitler!” someone in that scenario is being compared to Adolf Hitler.

Hitler. Adolf Hitler. The guy who orchestrated the murders of approximately eleven million people (that’s not even counting everyone who died in the war). Right? That Hitler? Is there another famous Hitler I don’t know about? Who wouldn’t get along with the Prime Minister of Israel? No. There’s just the one. Obama certainly can’t be Hitler (psssst everyone, bombshell of the year: Obama is black). And while Boehner certainly has some lovely baby blues, I think his orange skin would also disqualify him from Hitler’s pure race goals, right? All in all, neither guy has ever expressed the desire to exterminate an entire group of people whose only crime was not believing Jesus is the savior. Hank Williams Jr., you FAIL.

Ann Coulter also recently compared the Wall Street protestors with Nazis. This is par for the course for lil’ ol Annie and all her friends at Fox News, who seem to have misprinted thesauruses that accidentally list “Nazi” as a synonym for “Liberal.” She claimed that some of the statements from Occupy Wall Street were “similar to what was said ‘before the French Revolution, the Russian Revolution and with only slight modification when the Nazis came to power.’" Only slight modification? SLIGHT MODIFICATION? I haven’t made my way down to Wall Street yet, so I can’t be totally sure, but I don’t think their signs about wanting higher taxes on the rich, the lack of punishment for the Wall Street goons who brought down our economy, and how easily politicians can be bought can be slightly modified to read “Aryans only!” “The Jews are the cause of our nation’s problems!” Oh, and the protestors are also NOT VIOLENT, so I’m gonna go ahead and chalk another point onto the “Not Nazis” side of the debate.

I guess if you change "love" to "The Third Reich" and "peace" to "The Aryan Nation," you're kind of getting there?

I haven’t even addressed the ridiculously offensive side of the Hitler comparisons - I feel like they’re so obvious it hardly needs to be said. But then again, I would’ve thought that comparing anyone except Neo Nazis to Old Nazis would be considered ridiculous as well, so maybe I should spell it out just in case. When you equate a fascist, sick piece of shit murderer who had the clear goal of taking over the world and populating it only with his preferred type of human…to…I don’t know….anyone else, that is extremely offensive. When you mistake liberalism and peaceful protest for soldiers who were more than willing to march into citizens’ homes to kidnap and murder them…that is extremely offensive. Is that enough? Should I go further? I’m not sure I actually can. I don’t see how else to explain it, really. Maybe I’m the dumb one!*

So next time you are thinking of comparing something/someone/someones to Hitler or Nazis, take a moment to think. Did this thing/person/people try to orchestrate genocide across several countries? If the answer to that question is no, you might want to find yourself another fucking comparison to use.


*I’m not.

Personal Space Invaders

Some creatures just weren’t built with appropriate personal space detectors. Dogs, for example, like to be as physically close to a human as possible, curling up against you and sometimes even crawling on top of you to gain maximum coverage. When they are puppies they curl up with each other to gain maximum adorableness. They do not, in general, need their space.

If you have two eyes and a heart, it just melted.

(I assume some cats are like this, since people keep telling me their cat is “like a dog cat,” even though I’ve yet to meet one that is not a cat cat. Here’s a thought - maybe if you have to sell your pet to people by convincing them it’s like a different animal, it’s not really a species that anyone should be owning in the first place. But I digress.)

"I'm sorry, you must be mistaken. This is my chair."

I have found that this lack of personal space can sometimes leak over to people, with serious consequences. It is most apparent in the elevator environment, one that is already primed for awkwardness - silence, judgment, accidental noises, etc. There’s really no reason to add to the uncomfortable elevator setting, and yet some people just can’t seem to help themselves. You know who I’m talking about. The ass clowns who stand WAY TOO CLOSE TO YOU when there is nobody else in the elevator. You think, do I smell really good today? Did someone fart on the other side just before they got out? Do they just not see how much elevator is available for them to stand in? What’s going on!?


You go through all the options in your head - politely ask if they could step away? Could lead to even more awkwardness. Step away and move yourself? Makes it clear you don’t want to be that close to them, but still super weird. Suffer in silence during your ride? This seems to be the most popular answer. But why should the burden fall on you?

I believe the plot of this movie was that one of the people in the elevator was the devil. I think it's clearly the one being called out for her inappropriate elevator distance. You stay back, devil crowder!

I am here to assure you it’s not your fault. It’s their fault. You’ve done nothing to deserve this. These people are the same ones who somehow end up walking right beside you on the sidewalk, at the same pace, making it seem like you’re walking together when you don’t even know them, forcing you to either speed up or slow down just to get away from their awkwardness. They are the close talkers of Seinfeld fame. They are the jerks who plop down next to you in an empty movie theater instead of following the internationally agreed upon rule of one seat between people when it’s available.

They are life ruiners. They ruin people’s lives.

Living the dream, bro.

We must stand against them. Together we shall rise above. We shall fight back. We must look them straight in the eye and declare with one voice, WE WILL NOT GO QUIETLY INTO THE NIGHT! We as passengers of this elevator/walkers of this street/viewers of this movie have RIGHTS! You, stranger, are invading our personal space, and we’ll have NONE of it! Good day, I SAID GOOD DAY SIR!

Naturally Skinny People

I feel like I could get some backlash on this one, because it’s technically (supposedly) something people can’t help. Like being gay or having fantastic cheekbones, it’s something you’re born with. Whatever. I hate them all anyway.

You figure it out pretty quickly as a chunky kid that some of your friends look different from you. When it’s time to throw on your bathing suits and hop in someone’s pool, and you’re the last to take off your t -shirt, only revealing your giant one-piece for a split second RIGHT before you jump in…you don’t have to be a rocket scientist to find the root of the shame. None of the skinny kids were huffing and puffing when it came time to run the mile in gym. Ever seen School of Rock? None of those little girls were scared to sing because they were too thin. Nay, Turkey Sub had to hear about how Aretha Franklin could still be fat and famous before she would get up in front of a crowd.

I searched for images of fat kids but it felt really depressingly awful and demeaning. Here is a fat cat.

And here’s what I hate about them: those skinny people will never, ever, ever understand that shame. I’m not saying everything in their lives will go perfectly. I’m not saying being naturally thin equals an easy road. I’m just saying it’s one thing that they’ll never have to worry about, and, in my experience, have a really hard time empathizing with. Nobody ever really makes fun of people for being too skinny. There aren’t a ton of cruel names for super thin people. They’ll never have to be embarrassed about the size clothing they wear, squeezing into a plane seat, breaking a chair…what’s their biggest concern? Blowing over in a windstorm? How sad.


I remember once in high school I knew a girl who was very, very naturally thin. Someone asked her, “Gosh, how much do you weigh?” And she blushed and shrugged, mumbled “I dunno” and walked away. Another girl turned and said to the questioner, “You know, that is just as rude as asking a really heavy person how much they weigh.” Ummmmm. Are. You. Kidding. NO. It is not. People are praised and revered for being super thin! US Weekly throws a party for any lady who loses 10 lbs then heads to the beach! Plus-size models still weigh considerably less than most of the population! Size 0 exists in our world! Come on!

"If a car drives by I might fall over...but these pants are XXS!"

Here’s my other problem. I know being naturally skinny is a thing. I just kind of refuse to believe that if they tried really, really, really hard, those people still wouldn’t get fat. Sure, it’s not their first instinct to sit down and eat a half pound of mashed potatoes and gravy. (It’s not…mine…either.) But if they did that every day for a month, would they still be so stick thin? I think not! All throughout middle school, Stephanie Allen (bless her skinny heart) ate exactly half her lunch every single day. If she ate her whole lunch, would you still misplace her when she turned sideways? The world may never know!

Those of you who are more argumentative or militant may compare this to those who believe you can “pray the gay away,“ and change your sexual orientation if you try hard enough. That is a ridiculous concept. Nobody should force themselves to be with someone they aren’t attracted to just to conform to a bunch of Bible thumpers’ view of what’s right and wrong. BUT - making out with someone of a non-preferred gender is awful. Stuffing your face with Chinese food is awesome. Clear distinction. And thus I hypothesize that anyone who’s “naturally thin” just isn’t trying hard enough. I, for one, am always in it to win it. And that’s why those with stomachs that nature has declared too tiny to pig out really, realllllllyy piss me off.


PS. Some of you may be thinking that my logic also applies to naturally heavy people. Ie, challenge yourself to eat less than you want, and you could become a skinny person. To you I say, shut up. Nobody likes you.

Child Beauty Pageants

It’s nothing new to say that children are being sexualized way too young nowadays. I won’t beat a dead horse by talking too much about all the slutty outfits made for little girls, provocative song lyrics, popular rap that talks about raping bitches or what not, kids as young as 11 or 12 “sexting,” etc. We all know this country is headed to hell in a hand basket. It’s fine. I’ve embraced it.

What I can never, ever deem okay is the sickening weirdness of child pageantry. Parents (mostly mothers) who paint hooker makeup on their 6 year old, give her giant fake curls and extensions, slap on some fake teeth, put her in a bikini and shove her out on a stage to be judged by a bunch of weirdos - when did this become a standard practice? Who was the first person to say, “You know what might be fun? Exploiting little gals and making em dance around for us!” I am far too lazy to do research into the history of child pageants, but suffice it to say it’s probably nauseating.

That dog's eyes are screaming, "REALLY, HUMANS? REALLY!?"

These shows like Toddlers in Tiaras show the ins and outs of this strange strange world, and the few episodes I’ve managed to stomach are just too disturbing to make me a consistent fan. I don’t judge those who do watch - I happily view many other train wreck shows (Intervention, Hoarders…god bless you A&E), but for some reason seeing these little brats prance around and do awkward dances or singing is just too horrifying for me. I’m not sure why it affects me so - maybe because they feature parents who are supposed to help and guide their children through life, and instead they’re instilling body image issues onto these little kids? Maybe because they’re proudly spending thousands of dollars to dress these girls in slutty costumes?

To the parents who say it’s good for them, builds skills, it’s a positive social experience…I say, what in the fuck are you talking about? Throwing your daughter up on a stage, pitting her against other girls, forcing her to directly compare her self worth and beauty to the others around her, and having the outcome tied directly to a fucking prize? Are you kidding? They’re jumping on the lady oppression bandwagon really early in life, and it’s weird and sad to watch these baby girls be turned into competing women way too soon. And to all the parents who say, “She wants to do it! I just can’t stop her, she loves it!” Here’s a tip for you: Just. Fucking. Say. No. You. Can’t. Be. In. A. Pageant. I. Am. The. Parent. The. End.

Because she can't afford these trashy ruffles, orange earrings, self-tanner, lip liner, lipstick, eyeshadow, eyeliner, mascara, fake lashes, and fake teeth on her own. I promise.

Not to make any sweeping generalizations about certain parts of the country, but I’ve never seen a baby pageant queen from non-Bible-belt territory. The Midwest and South really seem to have the edge on this trashy business. I guess it’s naïve to think that these pageants don’t occur in the Northeast or West Coast as well, but I just don’t think they’re as big of a deal. It is a bona fide industry in these good ol’ homegrown red states. It’s funny that the people who are sexualizing their daughters extremely young and letting them prance around in glitzy skank outfits - outfits sometimes identical to those of a Vegas showgirl - are the same ones voting to diminish women’s rights over their bodies. (Okay, I’m sure there are a few liberal pageant moms here and there, but…come on.) It makes perfect sense, really - these people have already determined that girls are just objects for you to stare at, not to think about as actual human beings who may have rights and values. Bleh.

And so I urge you, all 10 people reading this, to never allow a daughter of yours to enter a child beauty pageant. Don’t worry. She’ll learn that pretty people win and that hating other women is a part of life soon enough.

People Who Talk in Movie Theaters

I currently have two degrees, both of questionable use and value (sorry NYU, I do love you). One of those degrees is in Cinema Studies, or in layman's terms, the study of cinema. It was during the pursuit of this degree that I learned about the wonders of filmmaking: the art of setting a scene, lighting it perfectly, letting a swell of music speak for the characters instead of dialogue - or, in the absence of a melody, sometimes just the silence of a moment, where all you hear is the whir of the projection booth behind you, and you hold your breath to see how the director breaks the quiet.

"THAT GUY WAS THE GUY FROM BEFORE, RIGHT?"

"ISN'T HE FROM THAT EPISODE OF SEX AND THE CITY? I THINK HE IS."

"SHE'S NOT GOING TO GO BACK TO HIM, IS SHE?"

Dear people behind me, you are making everyone miserable. You are literally ruining this film for the rest of the people in this theater - and what's more, you 100% do not care.

That's the worst part, right? It's not like you're traveling to a different country and you don't know the customs, so you accidentally use the wrong fork and dinner and offend the old lady eating next to you. Everyone knows that talking during a movie is annoying and rude. So when people openly choose to do it, it's that much more obnoxious.

That guy two rows behind is both confused and angry. I feel you, bro.

I don't feel like I need to go too far into why talking during movies in unacceptable;* it's fairly obvious. Rather, I'd like to ponder the different reactions people have to others talking in a movie theater. I myself am a seether. I sit there and grip the arm rests in fury, a boiling pot of angry brewing inside me. Everytime the offender speaks again, more is added to my Hatred Stew. I will occasionally look back and shoot a glare, which is almost never seen/acknowledged by Talky McGee. At the end of the movie, I usually try to stand up first and turn around, piercing my death stare at the assholes. In my head, they notice and are ashamed. In real life, they neither notice nor care. Being a Seether is incredibly ineffective.

My favorite people are the ones who talk back. There's something so satisfying about hearing a "Shut UP" from somewhere else in the theater, and hearing the moment of awkward silence as everyone revels in the fact that these fuckers have been called out. For MOST talkers, this is enough to shut them up for the rest of the movie. Some are a little denser and will continue talking, but if the Back Talkers are bold enough and tell them to be quiet a few more times, usually the message is received.

A movie theater, in my perfect universe.

Why is it more people aren't willing to speak up when someone else is ruining a movie? I guess we as humans are fairly afraid of confrontation - and if someone is openly doing something they full well know is annoying and rude as hell, it's reasonable to assume they may not be so polite if the offensive behavior is pointed out to them. But it really does fucking ruin a film, and I cannot stand it.




*There are certain situations and movies where it's semi-acceptable to talk during a movie. These include obvious ones like sing-alongs or The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Talking is also acceptable in the following scenario:

a) it's opening weekend for the movie
b) it's either a scary film or kind of a terrible one
c) you're not talking over dialogue
d) you have something short and funny to say.

I'm serious, it has to fit all three of those criteria for me to find it okay. Examples: I saw The Crazies on opening night, a pretty solid horror movie that involves people in a town losing their minds. During a quiet yet stressful chase scene in which a Batshit Man pursued our hero, a man in the theater yelled, "That dude is CRAZY!" The whole theater laughed, the man stayed silent for the rest of the movie, and we all continued watching the film.

I also saw Wolverine when it opened a few years ago. This one obviously had a lot of buzz as a comic book movie taking a character beloved by many. Well, it didn't quite deliver...if you saw it, you know why. A man in the theater yelled out, "You ruined my childhood!" at the end. Short, funny, done.

If it's not one of these scenarios, and you're still talking during a movie...well, I hope someone who's not me is willing to call your ass out.

Sleeping Problems

I’m one of those lucky people who have had problems sleeping pretty much my entire life. I thank my mom’s side, a long line of Jew anxiety that makes falling and staying asleep an epic nightly challenge. Most people have only one sleep issue, but I have several - and I also have a blog where I can regale you with the intricacies of each one!

Falling Asleep

I didn’t realize until college how different I was from most people. Sure, I knew my dad could fall asleep watching TV on the couch, but he’s a dad! All dads have that special power! So when it would take me anywhere from twenty minutes to two hours to nod off, I chalked it up to one of those things people just have to deal with. Then I went to college, where you live amongst like 40 people your age, and if you’re lucky enough to become friends with some of them, as I was, you become knowledgeable about each others’ sleep patterns. Sometimes you even take group naps. It happens. Anyway, it was around this time that I discovered that most people fall asleep - wait for it - right away. I was astonished! Because it takes me fuckin forever.

Sometimes I clutch my clock in fear and frustration.

I can’t seem to help but scroll through the entire day in my head, think about everything I have to do the next day, wonder if I forgot anything I was supposed to do this week, make a mental shopping list, think about what I’ll wear tomorrow, squint at a dark form in the corner and wonder if it’s always been there or someone has snuck in to attack me, throw one leg out of the covers, flip my pillow over, think about the emails I sent that day and how they’ll be received (was I funny yet professional?), put the leg back under the covers, wonder why the dark figure in the corner waiting to attack me is standing super still instead of just getting it over with…you get the idea. It’s exhausting. Only not exhausting enough to fall asleep, apparently. It sucks, and the more you think about how you need to fall asleep, the less likely you are to do it. The next morning, there’s not enough coffee in the world.

Nightmares

When I was little, I had a short list of huge fears. Spiders, a fire in my house, and being kidnapped. This last one trumped all others, and I had nightmares on the subject almost constantly. (I blame America’s Most Wanted for this one…it was really big at the time). I was also a pretty creative and imaginative kid, which supposedly makes your dreams more vivid - awesome if you’re dreaming about riding a unicorn to a magic pond at the end of a sweet rainbow. Less awesome if you are dreaming about someone dragging you away from a crowded marketplace and you’re too terrified to scream. I woke up hyperventilating once. Did I mention the Jew anxiety, folks?

Wake up, little child! Time to get kidnapped!

Now I know what you’re thinking - sure, lots of people had nightmares as kids! It’s super common. No big deal now, right? Right. Well. At the time of writing this post, I am 25 years old. And a half. Roughly once a week, I still have nightmares that cause me to wake up with a little gasp. I’m not really getting kidnapped anymore, but the post-apocalypse zombie world has been the prevailing genre for the last year or so. Usually I’m trying to hide somewhere or run upstairs faster than the attacking zombies, and just as one grabs for me, I wake up. Now I’ll admit, I‘m certainly never hyperventilating, and I can usually roll over and go back to sleep without much of an issue, but the waking itself is pretty inconvenient, and my poor subconscious just can’t seem to get away from those zombies. It blows.

Total Inability to Nap

I know this can kind of be grouped with the first category of general insomnia, but it’s so annoying that I felt I had to hate it in its own paragraph. Napping, from what I hear, is a sacred ritual in which one can catch up from sleep lost the night before. One merely lies down in the middle of the day, and falls asleep for awhile! They then wake up and continue about their business, going to bed later that night as usual. HAH.

So, first of all, my body is somehow not designed to fall asleep during any sort of daylight hours. Even if I’m in a pitch black room, it still knows. It knows there’s light outside and that it’s not normal bedtime! This is the case even if I’m completely exhausted, usually thanks to not sleeping the night before (see above re: inability to fall asleep). I can be about to nod off all day, drag my ass through until it’s an appropriate time to nap, then lie there and suddenly be incapable of sweet blissful sleep. Why, God? Why? I knew I was different on this one from the get go - my sister could be a professional napper, and spent many of her high school years practicing for the Napolympics. I hear they’re in Fiji next year.

Fuckin' show off.

On the very, VERY rare occasion that I do fall asleep during the day, it completely ruins my life to the point where I wish I hadn’t slept at all. First of all, whether I’m asleep for twenty minutes or two hours, I wake up basically incapable of human thought. I am so thoroughly confused about what time and day it is, why it’s light or dark out, where I am, etc. I am useless for at least another hour after napping, which kind of defeats the purpose most people use it for (getting some quick power sleep so they can burn through the rest of their day). Second, I can pretty much kiss falling asleep that night goodbye. Why Joanna, you fell asleep from 5:10 - 5:30 pm today? Seems like you’re good for the next 24 hours! Fuck you, body! I had twenty minutes and you keep me up til 3 am? What do you want from me? WHAT DO YOU WANT!?

Sigh. I know I’m not alone, and my sleep problems are probably not as bad as many people out there…but since I don’t care about them, I’m going to feel sorry for myself and write about it on my blog. The end.