Saturday, March 24, 2012

Really Popular Songs With Ridiculous Lyrics

Songwriting is one of those things that many, many people try, presumably because they think they can genuinely succeed at it. Most of those try hards will fail, as well they should - just because you can move your voice up and down and know lots of words doesn't mean you'll be a decent songwriter. People like Bob Dylan, Sir Phil Collins, Adele - they don't come along everyday. In fact, with the exception of acting, music is probably one of the hardest industries to break into. So why do so many turds continue to strum their guitars in hopes they'll one day hit it big?

Because the music industry has rewarded hundreds of idiots before them, that's why.

Have you ever listened to a song - really listened - and realized, "This is the DUMBEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD. How did this get to be so popular??" Because America is a bunch of idiots who will make dumb things popular. See: Snooki.

"Haha, I make more money than anyone reading or writing this blog! Who's REALLY the stupid one?"

Here are the most popular and egregious song offenses.

Rhyming a Word With That Same Word

What - did you think we wouldn't notice, STEALER'S WHEEL?

"I've been trying to make sense of it all/but I can see it makes no sense at all..."

Stuck in the midde, indeed. Stuck in the middle of a bunch of stupid lyrics. No wonder you were a one-hit wonder!!! (See what I did there, with the wonder?)

Seems like the word "all" is pretty tough for many groups - take O Town, everybody's favorite boy band that came from a TV show:

"Cause I want it all/or nothing at all"

Are they all squinting cause it's bright in there, or they're trying to see what's going to happen to their careers in a year? Cause if so I have bad news...

You have people paid money to write songs for your pretend singing group - and they still can't come up with the words "tall" "fall" or "crawl?" Come on.

I know what you're thinking - we're talking a one hit wonder and a made up boy band! Surely these are just expected flukes of stupidity. Ladies and gentleman, I give you...The Beatles.

"Hey Jude, don't make it bad/take a sad song and make it better/remember to let her into your heart/then you can start to make it better"

It can happen to anyone.

Lyrics That Don't Make Any F@#$ing Sense

"Lucky that my breasts are small and humble/so you don't confuse them with mountains"

Yeah, Shakira, I guess that is lucky. What's not lucky is that you're apparently singing to a boy so dumb that there was a chance he'd confuse your boobs with mountains. Maybe you need to think about your life decisions.

I mean, she has a point.

Clay Aiken
, famous for being a runner up and hiding his gaiety, had a few hit songs during his peak popularity. His gem "Invisible" gave us a lot of really questionable lyrics - "If I was invisible, then I could just watch you in your room" is basically the last thing you hear before you head on over to the police station to file a restraining order against someone. But at least it makes sense. Unlike this lyric from the same song:

"Wish you could touch me with the colors of your life." Me too, Clay. I'd touch you with red, orange, yellow...all the colors of the rainbow, until you realized a lil somethin about your own colors and finally came out on the cover of a People magazine.

Aw. We know.

I'm a well known hater of this next song, but maybe by point out how truly dumb and nonsensical the lyrics are, I can bring a few people over to my side.

"But, that's not how it used to be
When the jester sang for the king and queen
In a coat he borrowed from James Dean
And a voice that came from you and me
Oh and while the king was looking down
The jester stole his thorny crown
The courtroom was adjourned
No verdict was returned"

So what's going on here? We're in a palace, and then a court? I mean I know Kings and Queens "hold court," but they don't really overturn verdicts there, Don McLean. And how do they know James Dean? I really chose these dumb lyrics at random - any of the 30 verses of this neverending song could have worked for this blog entry.

And you can all rest easy at night knowing that all of these folks probably have more money than you. Well, except like 4/5 of O Town's squinty losers.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Commuting on the Subway

New York City. Center of the universe. So many parks, theaters...clubs...restaurants...and people. So many people. Many of whom have jobs. That they have to go to every morning. Just like you.

Oh commute, how dost thou suck? Let me count the ways.

If You Have a Seat...

Hahaha, jk. You'll never have a seat. Moving on.

Human Sardines

You've been waiting for like 10 minutes, you're already running late, and then you see it. The glow of a train in the distance. You breathe a sigh of relief. The train zips through the station, slowly pulling to a stop, and as it loses speed, you realize...holy shit. There are approximately one billion people already on this train. In every car. It can't possibly fit anyone else. can make it on, right? Surely they have enough for one more. Hah.

No worries, that guy probably doesn't really need his elbow.

Here's the catch - everyone else next to you is having exactly the same thought. I can make it! And you've all been waiting for like 10 minutes. And everyone has a job to go to. There's no way around it - you ALL have to get onto that car. Get ready to touch some strangers! Hope you enjoy people breathing near your face, I know I do! On opposite day.

A-Hole Pole Huggers

If you've ever been in a subway car, you know the general layout. Some seats on the sides, the bars above them to hold onto, and in many cars, poles throughout for stripper practice. Jk, they are for holding onto as you try not to think about germs. That is, unless you have a life ruiner in your midst.

Oh my God, some creeper TOOK this picture! Like in real life! Add it to the list of subway fears...

No sir or ma'am - you're right. You've had a hard morning. You go ahead and snuggle up to that pole - my hands don't need it to balance while the train lurches back and forth. You deserve it. I'll be fine. Don't you worry your head about me. (That last line is moot - obviously they have no concern for others whatsoever.)

The Seatless Pole-less Spot of Doom

Picture that subway car again. The seats are all full, it's jam packed crowded, everyone has found a pole to grab - except you. Yes, you've found it - the one spot on the subway car that is too far from any pole to grab (at least not without gettin some close one on one time with someone's armpit). Hope there are no big lurches, because you've got to rely on either your balance or the bodies of those around you to keep you standing upright. Good luck with that!

Staring Judgers of Judgeton Abbey

Here's a secret that nobody talks about: being on a subway is like being put in a room with 40 people and being told you're not allowed to look at any of them. What do you think the first and ONLY thing you want to do is? LOOK AT EVERYONE. I go through a daily struggle that involves trying not to stare at the people around me and judge them. I mean sure, I'm a judger, but it's gotta be the right time and place - sitting on a park bench as people walk by...writing in semi anonymity on the internet...these are the times to judge! Not when you're TRAPPED with these people and they can SEE YOU STARING!

Jk - this flawless Queen can judge anyone she wants. She's earned it.

Not everyone has the common decency I do to withold their gaze. Some people are pretty bold with their Judge Judy eyes - and like Bette Davis' eyes before them, Judy will tease you and unease you. You start to wonder about your appearance, if it's able to trap someone's gaze for this long. Did I put on pants today? Do I have a giant booger hanging out? Do I have one of those weird black spots of whoknowswhat that you sometimes find on your face when you're washing your hands in the bathroom, and you wonder how long it's been there and how many people saw it without telling you? TELL ME JUDGMENTAL LADY WHO LIVES ABOVE 145TH STREET - WHAT DO YOU SEE?!?!

Augh. Everyone on the subway is the worst.