Sunday, August 12, 2012

Crazy Monty Python Fans

So, I have a confession to make.  I don't really like to tell people this until I've known them awhile and I've already won them over with my charming wit and astounding intelligence.  It's really hard to know how people will react.  But I trust you, dear 3 people who read this blog, enough to tell you the truth:

I don't really like Monty Python.

I know.  Sorry guys.  But you do all have really good judgey faces.

Whew.  I'm glad I got that out.

But note that I didn't name this one "Is there anything worse than....Monty Python."  Because there are TONS of things worse than Monty Python.  Things you could find by just scrolling down, actually.  I don't think it's AWFUL, it's just not my thing.  But some people have a major fucking problem with that.  So I submit for approval to the midnight society:  a conversation with a crazy Monty Python fan, and within it, proof of why they are the worst thing ever.

Me:  Yeah, I don't know, I just don't think it's my thing.

Monty Python Fan (MPF): What do you mean it's not your thing?

Me:  I just think it's kind of...I don't know.  I don't really laugh a lot when I watch their stuff.

MPF:  You probably just don't get it.  It's okay.

Me:  No...I get it....I mean I intellectually understand why others find it funny.  I just don't.

MPF:  But you might not just get British humor.  Or should I say, humOUR!

Me: should NOT say that.

MPF:  But it is a British thing.  It's okay.  Some people just don't get the sense of humor the Brits have.

Me:  Once again - I GET IT.  I understand why you think it's funny.  I just do not.  It's not my type of humor.

MPF:  Hmmm.  OH, I know what must be wrong.  Have you seen Life of Brian?

Me:  Yeah.

MPF:  You have?

Me:  Yeah.

MPF:  And you still don't think it's funny.

Me:  No, not really.

MPF:  What about the part where he's like, talking to the crowd, telling them to be individuals and follow their own ideas, and then they all like respond in unison?

Me:  What about it?

MPF:  That was so funny.  See, because he's TELLING them to be individual, and then they respond as--

Me:  No, I got it.

MPF:  But you didn't like it?

Me:  I mean, not really.

MPF:  Hm.  Oh!  Oh oh oh.  I got it.  Here we go.  I found the problem.  You haven't seen The Holy Grail!  Once you see that, you'll change your----

Me:  No, I've seen it.

MPF:  You've seen Monty Python and the Holy Grail?

Me:  Yeah.

MPF:  What the hell could you POSSIBLY dislike about that movie?  It's fucking genius.

Me:  I'll thank you to watch your language around me.   I didn't hate it or anything.  I just didn't find it as hysterical as a lot of people do.  I even saw Spamalot on Broadway and thought that was pretty lame too.

MPF:  How could you not find it funny!  Did you see the part where he's like, "I fart in your general direction!"

Me:  Yeah.

MPF:  And that was hysterical, right?

Me:  I dunno.  I don't think announcing farts is that funny in general.

MPF:  Okay okay, so you don't like fart jokes.  What about when the guy is like "She turned me into a Newt!"  "A newt?!"  "I got bettah!"  Or when he's like pretending to ride the horse and the other guy is making the horse noises!

Me:  Yup.  Saw that part too.

MPF:  So that's like the best part.

Me:  Is it?  That's pretty sad.

MPF:  Listen, you fucking idiot.  How can you not like it?  It's so hilarious!

Me:  You don't have to get angry.  Like I said, it's just not my thing.  I respect if others like it.

MPF:  Okay, okay.  You're not a fan of the movies.  But surely you love Flying Circus!

Me:  Umm...

MPF:  No.  Don't say it.

Me:  I'm sorry.

MPF:  You don't like Flying Circus?

Me:  To be fair, I haven't seen as much of it as the other stuff.  But what I've seen...I mean...I dunno.  Men dress up as women.  Ha ha.  English men dress up as French men.  Ha ha.  It's....just kind of simple to me.

MPF:  You just don't get all the British society jokes they're making.

Me:  I think I catch most of it.

MPF:  No you don't.  You fucking American.

Me:  Aren't you American?

MPF:  Yes, but I have very British sensibilities.

Me:  Ok.


Me:  I don't think it's a matter of intelligence.

MPF:  YEAH you do.  You think you're fucking better than all the Monty Python fans, with your intellectual humor, but really, YOU'RE the idiot!  You don't RESPECT what they did for the world of comedy!!!

Me:  Sure I do.  I just don't really think it's that funny, personally.  I like some of the stuff the guys have done outside of Monty Python, if that helps.

MPF:  Psh, yeah?  Like WHAT.

Me:  I like A Fish Called Wanda.  Shrek?

MPF:  Fuck you you fucking jerk.  The only explanation is that you don't have a sense of humor.  That must be it.

Me:  Sure I do.  I find lots of things funny.

MPF:  Oh yeah?  Like what?  Fucking stupid shit, I bet.  I bet you fucking like Dane Cook.

Me:  Um, well, I like shows like Parks and Recreation and 30 Rock.  And Community.  And Louie?

MPF:  Fuckin' snob, is what you are.

Me:  I mean yeah, I guess I do think their jokes are less "obvious" than Monty Python, if you want to put it that way.

MPF:  The fuck is that supposed to mean?

Me:  I just don't know if you have to think that much to get a Monty Python joke.  A guy makes a weird face, people fart.  And like, ugly peasant people shouting things at an oblivious king.  Or something.  I don't know, it's just kind of broad.  And that's fine for some people, I just don't like it that much.

MPF:  Fuck you.

Me:  I'm glad we were able to have a civil and rational conversation about this.

Friday, August 10, 2012

Commuting on the Subway...PART TWO

In the months since my first rant about the subway, I've had some time to reflect.  Some time to look inward.  Some time to look in the mirror and say, "Hey - what about you?  Could you be part of the problem?  Are you being too harsh on people who are just trying to get to work, like you are?  Should you give them another chance?"

We deal with mostly the same problems, he and I.

No.  The resounding, unanimous answer that I came up with is no.  Because in those months, I've actually discovered that the subway is even worse than I thought.  Read on if you dare.

Yankees Fans

 I've been a New Yorker for about 9 years now, and have been admonished a number of times for never making the choice.  You know, the choice every New Yorker has to make.  The one that says which side you're on.  Who your allies are.  Where your enemies lie.  And I have to say, I just never cared much to decide.  I didn't have any dog in the fight.  Why pick?  It seemed silly.  It was like N* SYNC vs. Backstreet Boys.  I could never decide there, either.  They both serve their purpose!  They both have their moments!  They both want me back after I broke up with them, and want to express it musically.  Can't we all just get along?

Well thanks to commuting on the subway, I have made a choice, folks.  GO.  METS.  Fuck the fucking Yankees.    

Why?  Because I'm lucky enough to live off the subway line that takes you to Yankee Stadium.  And I've been forced to confront the fact that the Yankees have THE DUMBEST FANS TO EVER RIDE THE SUBWAY.  DEAR LORD.

Callous, unfeeling BASTARDS.

They do not know how to stand on the subway to maximize space.  This is problematic since around the time I am leaving work, it's rush hour anyway.  The Yankers fill up subway cars with astonishing speed.  I can't describe to you the depression I feel when the subway finally pulls into the station, grinds to a halt, and the doors open, only to reveal a bumbling mass of navy and white stripes and absolutely no more room for even one more person.

It's not just the space they take up.  That would be bad enough.  But no, they stumble around like fools when people need to get on or off around them.  They are very often DRUNK and LOUD, with absolutely no respect for people who are just trying to get home from a long work day.  They don't give a crap if there are children around.  They have no concept of other people's space or existence.  They are rude, stupid, oblivious fools.   

I understand most of them don't ride the subway very often, if ever.  But when in Rome, DO AS THE FUCKING NEW YORKERS DO!  Come on, it is not that hard to figure out how to step aside and let someone by, so they don't have to physically shove you out of their way.  Do I get a little bit of pleasure out of it?  Maybe!  But that's not the point!

Ergo I am a Mets fan.  Long live the Mets.

Oh my god, this is literally like the first 10 results that come up when you google Mets fans.  This is the saddest, most pathetic thing I have ever seen.

Men and their Junk

I don't want to get too graphic here.  I don't know what it's like to have male parts.  But I do know what it's like to have lady parts, and I can tell you that they're not always that convenient either.  However, my ladyparts inconvenience rarely TAKES UP AN ENTIRE TWO SEATS ON THE SUBWAY BECAUSE I'M AN ASSHOLE.
You aren't exempt, you old bastard.  Shut those legs.  Don't give me that look.

COME ON!  Your man sitting stance is ruining EVERYONE'S LIVES.  If there are only HALF the correct number of seats on the subway, can you see how that might be a problem?  Squeeze your damn knees together and suffer like the rest of us, boys.  Your balls can handle the trip.

Subway Performers (Dance Style)

Let's just get the disclaimer out of the way first:  yes, there are WAY WORSE ways to make money.  I respect the fact that it's an honest way of earning cash.   And I'm not saying they're not talented.  They could easily star in a moving about stepping up.

But I also do not want to fear getting kicked in the face while I'm trying to go home from work.  So there's that.

See how thrilled everyone is....?

I'll say it again - it's not that I'm not impressed!  Great job, young people.  You are super flexible and strong.  No, I cannot hold myself up on a subway pole like that.  You sure are amazing.  But it's just not my chosen venue, you know?  The subways are crowded to begin with, and when someone asks you to move aside so they can spin themselves on their own feels a little tedious.  Come on.  Just keep your legs to yourself.  Please don't kick me in the face.  Please.  I don't have any extra money to give you anyway.  I'm sorry.

I'm sure there's only more to come.  Be prepared for Volume 3 sometime soon.