Monday, January 21, 2013

Unreasonably Attractive People

This will be an abridged version of a post - I may be doing a few shorter ones more often, thanks to a helpful email from my sister:  "Remember when you used to have a blog?" 

So for my one fan, let's talk about Unreasonably Attractive People.  The key word here is "unreasonably."  Young hot movie stars exist to be attractive.  Their attractiveness is reasonable.  I am speaking of people who are unreasonably attractive.  Their attractiveness defies reason.  You look at them and think, this person should not be that attractive for _______ reason.  So yes, this will be a post of my jealousy and insecurity.

Andie MacDowell

Now, this particular lady started out as a hot young actor, much like those I previously referred to.  30 years ago, she was a young twenty something just entering the film scene.  My first memory of her is as gorgeous Dr. Dale Biberman (although I definitely thought it was Beaverman until I just looked it up on IMDB), subject of Emilio Estevez's obsession in classic Brat Pack film St. Elmo's Fire.  Let's take a look at Ms. MacDowell here:

"That's right, AND I'm a DOCTOR!"

Lovely.  Gorgeous.  Who wouldn't stalk that, right?  If she were a President, she'd be Baberaham Lincoln.  Now, if Andie MacDowell had any decency, she would have aged like a normal human being and gotten older.  However, apparently Andie did not feel the need to confine herself to normal homo sapien standards.  Because Bitch.  Did.  Not.  Age.

Let's look at the evidence.  8 or so years later, she was in the American classic Groundog Day.  Playing Rita, the subject of  Bill Murray's obsession (are we sensing a trend here?), a cheerful weather producer. 

"You speak French?"  "Oui."

Look at this crap.  Even in a disgusting vest, Andie MacDowell still looks totally amazing circa 1993.  I'd fall in love with her and spend like 600 days doing it too.  Come on.  She's perfect.

But we can excuse this, right?  It's only 8 years later.  Maybe she was pretty diligent about skincare during those years.  Wore hats and sunscreen.  It's totally understandable.  Let's fast forward.  A lot.  Like 20 years.

Ladies and gentlemen, Andie MacDowell at the Cannes film festival in May 2012:

That's right, complete with boob peeks.
WHAT SORCERY IS THIS????  There are only a few explanations for this.  1)  Andie MacDowell bathes in the blood of murdered virgins2)  Andie MacDowell has a deal with Satan.  3)  ANDIE MACDOWELL IS A WITCH.  
She kind of looks fresher and younger than she did 20 years ago.  L'Oreal is probably the smartest company in the world, hiring her to hawk their products, convincing women if they just buy magical conditioner or a special face cream, they will be as well-preserved as Andie "Sorceress" MacDowell.  I'd sacrifice a baby to look like her when I'm in my 50's.  What the shit, Andie???  Why are you more attractive at 54 than I have ever been or will ever be at any age??? Conclusion:  UNREASONABLY ATTRACTIVE.
Other unreasonably attractive people, for this abridged post:
Malia and Sasha Obama
Paul Rudd 
Stacey Dash (something unholy went down on the set of Clueless, and Paul Rudd/Stacey Dash/Donald Faison all made a blood pact with a demon that as long as they never told anyone, they wouldn't age)
Meryl Streep
Chloe Grace Moretz
Daniel Craig