Thursday, May 31, 2012


Oh, summertime.  Everyone's faaaavorite season.  EHHHHHHH.  Wrong.  Guess what.  It is secretly the worst 3-4 months out of every year.  The living is NOT easy, Mr. Gershwin.  Nor is it fly when girls stop by for the summer, LFO.  Summer sucks.  It's science.  I can prove it.  Read on.


Heat is actually so awful I am going to split it into special sub-categories.  You're welcome.


Okay, I know, it "gives life" and "keeps our Earth in rotation."  You know what I say to the sun?  EFF YOU.  I don't like your harsh rays beating down upon my fragile skin!  For those of you familiar with the concept of white privilege, let me tell you, summer sun is one area where we whities lose out, BIG TIME  (For those of you who don't know about white privilege, here you go).  Nay, my Russian and European ancestry is no shield against the hateful sun.  My white ass gets burned from a stroll down the street, so I am forced to wear a goofy hat and 100spf sunblock in order to avoid looking like a lobster.  Okay, I know what you're thinking, and you're right, I actually pull off the hat really well, thanks, but still.  It's a hassle.  And sunblock is EXPENSIVE, PEOPLE!  Even the generic CVS kind!  And if you're dumping it on you even on a cloudy day just to be safe like me, you run through it preeettty quickly. 

Don't worry, my hat is way cuter than this Blossom rip-off atrociousness.


I don't generally consider myself a gross person.  I wear deoderant consistently, sometimes even a splash of perfume.  I shower.  I do laundry (enough).  I don't think anyone would refer to me as a "sweaty beast."  Except in the harsh light of the summer sun.  Danny and Sandy were right - something's begun, all right.  Overactive sweat glands.

She looks so sad about her sweat.  I understand, stock photo model.   I understand.

Unlike the delicate lady in the photo, I don't generally have a towel around to mop up my brow filth when the time comes.  And that time is often, thanks to not having air conditioning in my apartment.  Let me tell you, there's no cute way to look like a soaking wet hulk.  At least not for me.  I don't "glow."  I don't "perspire."  My face turns red and I resemble Jennifer Beals.  But only in Flashdance.  And only in the part where she's dumped a bucket of water over herself.  And minus the hot body and the chair and cute outfit.  Also I think she's half black.  Other than that we are twins.

The Subway

New Yorkers can vouch for this one.  There is literally nothing worse than walking along the sidewalk, heading down the subway entrance, swiping your metrocard, and standing on the platform waiting for a train on a scorching day.  Holy shit.  It is the worst, sweatiest, grossest experience ever.  It is the one time and moment of the year where I will admit to a tourist, yeah, this place smells like a fucking shithole.  Everyone just sits there miserably in sweaty silence until the train comes.  Then you hold your breath until you can step onto the sweet sweet air conditioned car.  Unless of course, your train's air conditioning is broken.  In that case you probably just want to go ahead and kill yourself.



I'm generally pretty ambivalent about children, but it's nice to know that 9 months of the year between the hours of 8am and 4pm they generally won't be around.  But those cursed summer months, when school's out for summer/ever, they run this town RAMPANT!  I swear, you can't go anywhere without a bunch of children getting underfoot.  Parks are littered with their tiny selves running around.  Auugh.  Spilling ice cream all over, shrieking and stuff.  I used to work at a summer camp, but at least there I knew what to expect.  When you're just going about your everyday summer life, they come outta nowhere!



 TV on Hiatus

I will fully admit this has changed a lot over the last few years, because cable channels embrace summertime as an opportunity for new programming.  So yes, Dexter, Weeds, True Blood, The Closer, Suits, and many more shows are all coming back in the summer.  But it's the PRINCIPLE, dammit!  I want my shows all the time!  I don't want to wait 3 months to find out what's going on in Pawnee Indiana with Leslie and the gang from Parks and Rec.  How will I be able to stand waiting to see what happens to Juliette on Grimm (don't judge me bitches, that show is awesome).  Who did Dave end up with on Happy Endings??  WHO DIED ON REVENGE?!  TELL ME, TELEVISION GODS!  I am slave to your whims!  I get the same kind of glow during fall pilot season that most people reserve for marriage and giving birth.  TV only just ended last week and I'm already depressed.  

She's worried about feeding her children, I want my TV shows back.  Who has it harder?  Tough call.

Super Inappropriately Dressed People

Many people take summer as an invitation to strip down to their skivvies and show off their body to the world.  Yes, some bodies are probably more desirable than others in this situation, but on the whole I really disapprove of the outfits that come out in the summer.  No, young lady, I did not need to see your butt cheeks hanging out of those things you call shorts.  And why are you just in a bikini top?  This isn't the beach.  Put a damn shirt on.  And get off my lawn. 

All sorts of weird tank tops come out, nasty jorts (jean shorts), some ladies who really really need to be wearing bras decide to let it hang free...just so many awful things happen.  And of course, the worst thing of all - THE ROMPER.

 It makes Blake Lively look dumpy, people.  BLAKE LIVELY.  I assure you the average New Yorker DOES NOT LOOK LIKE BLAKE LIVELY.  Oh my dear god this looks awful on everyone.  And it's called a ROMPER.  What is wrong with the world?

There you have it.  While the rest of the country flees to the beaches, stretches out on a blanket in the park, and strips down to their summer wear, I will be holed up in my apartment, sweating even as I hug a fan, dreading the next time I have to step foot outside into the crushing sun and heat.  And really, as global warming takes us all over, it's only going to get worse for people like me.  What's Alaska like?  Finland has sweet healthcare, right?  Gotta keep my options open.

  Is it September yet?

Thursday, May 3, 2012

People Against Gay Marriage

I know, I know.  It's so obvious.  But these people have been so vocal lately (competing with anti abortion nuts for who can yell the loudest and be the most ridiculous).  I just felt I should give them some of the attention they so pathetically crave.  These a-holes have a go-to list of reasons they use for why gay people shouldn't be allowed to get married, and guess what?

All of them are completely.  Effing.  Dumb.

#1 - Kids Need a Mother and a Father!

 This is probably the most popular argument against gay marriage.  Moms and Dads!  Men and women!  P and V!  It's for the children!  Kids need two parents of different genders.  Well, don't worry, I have a really good rebuttal for this one:  No they don't.  Studies show that kids need stable parenting, but it doesn't matter if it's two moms, two dads, a mom and a grandmother, a dad and a grandfather, whatever.  Kids need parents that love them.  It's not rocket science, jerks.  Some study even showed that two moms might be better than having a dad involved at all!  
"Nice try, MEN!  We  really are gonna be raised in the BEST possible environment!  Go back to your STRIP clubs or something!"
And it certainly stands to reason that two people who have to go out of their way, sometimes waiting years and spending many thousands of dollars to conceive/adopt a child, proooobs are better emotionally, financially, and mentally equipped than than two horny teenagers who accidentally get knocked up and pop out a kid.  Just guessing.  

#2 - Marriage is for Procreation

Oh, cool.  I guess that makes sense.  Thank goodness we have laws that mandate that all married couples have at least one child.  And of course, it's a good thing we make everyone who wants to get married undergo fertility testing.  If they can't have kids, they can't get married.  That's the law.

Wait, what?  Those aren't laws?  At all?  Because marriage isn't just about kids?  Neat.  Moving on.

#3 - If We Let Two Men or Two Women Get Married, What's Next?  People Marrying Their Dogs?

This is an easy one to blow past because it's such a huge fucking insult to gay people, but for the sake of ranting I will break it down for the pre-schoolers in the room. 

This is a man.

This is a dog.
They both look deep in thought, right?  They're both attractive.  I could see how right wing Christians could mix up these species.  But shockingly, they actually have a few differences.  For example, man is capable of complex thought.  Of making an informed decision to spend the rest of their lives with someone.  They are capable of SIGNING A MARRIAGE LICENSE.  People have birth certificates, and driver's licenses, and other forms of ID you might need to OBTAIN that marriage license.  See where I'm going here?  While I know some people who probably would be pretty content to marry their dogs, it's not happening any time soon.

Variations on this theme include, "What's next, siblings getting married?"  "What's next, three people entering into a marriage?"  Well, on the first point - ew!  Gross!  There's solid scientific reasons we've determined siblings shouldn't get married - it's called inbreeding.  Google European royalty.  There's some really terrifying stuff there.  To the second point - I know this may be surprising, but advocates of gay marriage don't really want several people to be able to get married.  Just two.  Two consenting humans.  That's all.  And if somewhere in the future Triple Marriage Advocates become a thing, that's their fight.  Let them fight it.

#3 - But God Said it was Wrong.  

First things first - which God?  Oh, the Judeo Christian version of God?  That not everyone in the world believes in?  Okay.  Guess the millions of people who believe in Krishna/Allah/TheFlyingSpaghettiMonster/Nothing don't factor in.  But that's fine.

So this God said it somewhere in Leviticus, right?  That a man shall not lie down with another man.  All right.  So everyone who truly believes those words, and uses that as a reason why being gay is wrong and to avoid giving them equal rights - those people probably follow all the other laws of the Bible/Torah too.  I'm sure they never eat shellfish!  I'm sure they'd be chill with allowing a father to sell his children to slavery!  They'd never wear a cotton-poly blend!  Right?  Cause those are laws too, you dumb bitches.  You can't cherry pick and decide which law you like and which you don't.  It's all or nothing.  Yeah, there's the Big 10 - don't kill, don't say "fuck you mom," etc - but the homosexual thing doesn't appear in those.  It's more of a minor thing, a passing mention.

"Put down the lobster, heathens!"

For those who really do believe it, I say, you know what?  That's fine.  I think you're wrong, but that's fine.  Don't be gay.  Don't lie down with another man or whatever.  I don't care.  Because my beliefs should not infringe on your life.  My religion says you shouldn't be mixing meat and milk in the same meal, but do I go to your state and try to pass laws banning the sale of butter and meat together?  No.  Because you live your life, and I live mine.  So keep your religious nuttery out of MY life, and I'll keep my hippie liberal ways out of yours.  

You know who else felt that way?  That your shit shouldn't interfere with my shit?  Those founding fathers that Bible thumpers love to reference!   Those founding fathers were so concerned with a little thing called SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE that they wrote it into the laws of this country as they formed it.  It means that no matter what you believe or your pastor tells you, you can't put it into law, because other people might not believe in it!  Your religion shouldn't run anyone's life but your own.  You stupid pieces of shit.

#4 - But Marriage Has ALWAYS Been Defined as Between One Man and One Woman!

 Okay, well this one's easy - no it hasn't!

You think cavepeople kissed their "wife" goodbye when they went out a-huntin?  They might've grabbed a cavelady and smooched her, but they sure as hell didn't call her a wife.  That concept is a modern one in humanity.  And plenntyyy of modern societies had what we might call "shady" views on relationships.   Greeks and Romans were pretty chill with homosexuality, and divorce also carried absolutely no social stigma - people split up and got remarried all the time.  Mormons, some of the biggest opponents of gay marriage, were once totes fine with one man having as many wives as he pleased.  But some people insist this is how it's always been.  So you're telling me marriage has allllwaays been a certain way?  Fine - let's assume you're right, for argument's sake.  SO FUCKING WHAT?

 This guy comes up when you google "So what?"  He really does convey a certain "fuck it" attitude.  I mean, he had to embrace it after he put on that tie, right?

 A LOT of things used to be one way and they are now another.  It's called evolving as a society.  Black people used to not be allowed to marry white people (although, to be fair, I think many of the Bible toting Obama-is-a-Kenyan-believing one toothed hicks against gay marriage would probably prefer that was still a law too).  White people used to be able to OWN BLACK PEOPLE (see previous parentheses).  Women couldn't vote.  People couldn't drink alcohol!  Come on!  We've knocked down tons of stuff as a country, and put plenty more into our constitution.  There's no reason this should be any different.  

#5 - It Just Aint Natural!

I don't really know what this argument means.  Obviously it is natural for the people who are gay.  Which I wholeheartedly assure you is not a choice, but that's a whole other blog entry.  Just because it's not natural for YOU?  Well guess what - straighty sex isn't natural for gay people.  They think it's weird and gross, just like homophobes think gay sex is icky and wrong.  Shocking, I know!  People are different!  So weird!  My sister can roll her tongue but I can't!  I hate coconut but my mom doesn't!  I was born with curly hair, and my friend has straight hair!  Differences!  

#6 - Gay Marriage Devalues My Straight Marriage

This one is particularly weird.  It lessens the value of your marriage if gay people are allowed to get married?  Because they're shaming the institution of marriage, right?  To this I have two main arguments:

  • Kim Kardashian.  
  • No it doesn't
 Kim Kardashian was married for less than 80 days to a giant oaf named Kris something.  They split after a few months and filed for divorce, and now everyone thinks - gasp! - the whole thing was a crock of shit.*  Are you seriously telling me that Kim Kardashian's sham of a marriage was fine because there was a P and a V involved?  And that it doesn't make a mockery and a joke of marriage as an institution?  If that bitch can rake in millions of dollars for broadcasting a pretend dress up session with all of her friends and family and call it a legal you really think letting two people of the same gender who have been together for maybe 20 years put a ring on it is going to do any more damage than has already been done?  

*see also:  Britney Spears and Jason Alexander, Carmen Electra and Dennis Rodman

"Thank God I can celebrate the sacredness of marriage as an institution by selling the rights to broadcast mine on TV!"

As for my second argument, "No it doesn't," I'm really not sure how much I have to expound upon that.  Newsflash - gay marriage is already legal in several states.  Why, it's legal right here in good ol' New York.  And guess what?  My parents' 37 year straight marriage is still totes fine!  In fact, I'm pretty sure nobody notices when other straight people in the state get married, so why should they start noticing when gays do?  (Unless the fireworks and glitter get in their faces).  The truth is, it has absolutely no impact on anyone else's life.  Your pathetic and probably super boring straight marriage is still there.  No amount of gays getting married can wreck it as "an institution," whatever that means.  Get over yourself.  You're not that important, and everyone deserves the same rights you have.

And that's what it all comes down to.  Being gay shouldn't make anyone a second class citizen.  They deserve the same basic rights as everyone else.  I can't wait for all the old people against gay marriage to die so it can just pass as a national law already.   Frankly it's embarrassing that our country is still dragging our feet on it.  Then again, America is kind of an embarrassment on several levels, aren't we.  We only rank like 28th for math skills in our students.  Soon to be 27 - we're comin' for you, Latvia!

Maybe someday we'll even have a gay President.  Oh wait, we already did.  

Lookin' at you, James Buchanan. 

 Saucy bitch.