Saturday, January 14, 2012

Being Sick

Okay, I know this one is a no-brainer. Nobody likes being under the weather. But I'm not going for the obvious here - no, "It hurts," or "I don't like co
ughing." Nay, my beef with illness goes much without further ado, here are the worst things about being sick.

Even clip art gets sick sometimes too.

1) The Internet
I yearn for the days of being sick before the internet. When your mom would say, "It's just a bad cold," and you knew it was no big deal. Now there's the world wide web, complete with plenty of helpful websites where you can type in symptoms and they'll let you know what you have! The problem is, no matter what your symptoms, there is only one thing you have according to the internet: cancer. Oh wait I'm sorry, if you're a woman, there's two things: a baby. Or cancer. Or baby cancer.

2) Nasty Red/Peeling Nose
This is exclusive to illnesses that include a runny nose, but after 2-3 days of using a tissue every 30 seconds, things tend to get nasty up in there. Your skin is finally like, "Godamn, enough!" and starts to flake off in pieces. There's nothing cuter than peeling a little strip of dead skin from your nostril area. It brings all boys to the yard.

3) Other People Being Concerned Only About Themselves Getting Sick
"Ooh, don't get near me, I'm going on vacation next week!" "Yikes, I better go Purell!" People love to tell you how terrible it would be if they were afflicted to what you are suffering with at that moment. Seriously, you become a leper mere moments after the first few sniffles or sneezes. Like I wanted to get sick, lady? Like this was how I was looking forward to spending my week? Come on.

4) Helplessness
If you live alone and you get sick, you're completely and totally screwed. There's no one to run out and get you meds, make you soup, fetch you have to schlep your sick ass out and do it all yourself. You have to drag yourself away from whatever awesome TV marathon you're powering through (one of the few bonuses of being sick), peel off your dirty sweats to put on real clothes (jk, I have no shame about hitting up the drugstore in semi-homeless garb), and head out to handle all of your own errands. It blooows. Take my advice - live with someone. Get married or something. Whatever it takes to avoid this.

I'll add more pictures when I'm on a normal computer...I'll say it: I hate Macs.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Tampon Commercials

The monthly visitor. Aunt Flo. Ladytimes. So many names for that special time every 28 days. For all you men out there reading this (just my Dad, really), I promise I'm not going to get graphic or gross. We won't get into the gory details. We will merely be exploring the ridiculousness of tampon commercials, aimed towards tricking women into two things: 1) Your period can be soooo fun if you only have the right tampon! 2) Tampons are like soooo embarrassing, right?!

Lie #1: Periods can be delightful with the right equipment!

What's that? You don't twirl in utter delight during your fun ladytimes? That's weird! You're missin out sister, because with Playtex you could be twirling with fresh confidence. There are several variations on this theme - how easy and fun it is to work out or go swimming if you pick the right tampon! Here's the main problem: periods suck and are fucking never fun. It's as simple as that. Sure, some women suffer more than others with cramps, bloating, general pain and heaviness, but the bottom line is nobody's giggling in giddy anticipation as you near your monthly date. And aint nobody TWIRLING in happiness when the time comes. If I saw someone this happy while they had their period, I'd smack them (especially if I had mine too).

Lie #2: Tampons should be hidden and if they must be pulled out in public, they better look like they could pass for something else!

Please don't bother watching that whole thing because it's oddly long, but the gist is that this bubbly teenager, whose friend is filming her for some strange reason, has finally found a tiny tampon that fits anywhere so she can discreetly bring it along! Whew! Wasn't it convenient that her friend caught this information on video for us?

This pisses me off because it supports the idea that periods are gross and embarrassing and GOD FORBID MEN KNOW THAT WE HAVE IT. THEY MIGHT DIE. Well here's a spoiler alert for you gents: if you're hanging out with a lady above the age of 13, below the age of 50ish, isn't pregnant or doesn't have some other medical condition that prevents her from menstruation....there is a 25% chance she has her period right now. What's that? I JUST BLEW YOUR MIND???

As far as I know, women have been having periods since the beginning of our existence. Why the hell are we still embarrassed when it happens? Get over it. Take your tampon to the bathroom with pride. Who the F cares whether or not your friends know? If they seriously get grossed out, tell them to grow up, and move on with your life. After all, you've got some twirling to do.