Oh, summertime. Everyone's faaaavorite season. EHHHHHHH. Wrong. Guess what. It is secretly the worst 3-4 months out of every year. The living is NOT easy, Mr. Gershwin. Nor is it fly when girls stop by for the summer, LFO. Summer sucks. It's science. I can prove it. Read on.
Heat is actually so awful I am going to split it into special sub-categories. You're welcome.
Okay, I know, it "gives life" and "keeps our Earth in rotation." You know what I say to the sun? EFF YOU. I don't like your harsh rays beating down upon my fragile skin! For those of you familiar with the concept of white privilege, let me tell you, summer sun is one area where we whities lose out, BIG TIME (For those of you who don't know about white privilege, here you go). Nay, my Russian and European ancestry is no shield against the hateful sun. My white ass gets burned from a stroll down the street, so I am forced to wear a goofy hat and 100spf sunblock in order to avoid looking like a lobster. Okay, I know what you're thinking, and you're right, I actually pull off the hat really well, thanks, but still. It's a hassle. And sunblock is EXPENSIVE, PEOPLE! Even the generic CVS kind! And if you're dumping it on you even on a cloudy day just to be safe like me, you run through it preeettty quickly.
Don't worry, my hat is way cuter than this Blossom rip-off atrociousness.
I don't generally consider myself a gross person. I wear deoderant consistently, sometimes even a splash of perfume. I shower. I do laundry (enough). I don't think anyone would refer to me as a "sweaty beast." Except in the harsh light of the summer sun. Danny and Sandy were right - something's begun, all right. Overactive sweat glands.
She looks so sad about her sweat. I understand, stock photo model. I understand.
Unlike the delicate lady in the photo, I don't generally have a towel around to mop up my brow filth when the time comes. And that time is often, thanks to not having air conditioning in my apartment. Let me tell you, there's no cute way to look like a soaking wet hulk. At least not for me. I don't "glow." I don't "perspire." My face turns red and I resemble Jennifer Beals. But only in Flashdance. And only in the part where she's dumped a bucket of water over herself. And minus the hot body and the chair and cute outfit. Also I think she's half black. Other than that we are twins.
New Yorkers can vouch for this one. There is literally nothing worse than walking along the sidewalk, heading down the subway entrance, swiping your metrocard, and standing on the platform waiting for a train on a scorching day. Holy shit. It is the worst, sweatiest, grossest experience ever. It is the one time and moment of the year where I will admit to a tourist, yeah, this place smells like a fucking shithole. Everyone just sits there miserably in sweaty silence until the train comes. Then you hold your breath until you can step onto the sweet sweet air conditioned car. Unless of course, your train's air conditioning is broken. In that case you probably just want to go ahead and kill yourself.
I'm generally pretty ambivalent about children, but it's nice to know that 9 months of the year between the hours of 8am and 4pm they generally won't be around. But those cursed summer months, when school's out for summer/ever, they run this town RAMPANT! I swear, you can't go anywhere without a bunch of children getting underfoot. Parks are littered with their tiny selves running around. Auugh. Spilling ice cream all over, shrieking and stuff. I used to work at a summer camp, but at least there I knew what to expect. When you're just going about your everyday summer life, they come outta nowhere!
DEMONS BE GONE!
TV on Hiatus
I will fully admit this has changed a lot over the last few years, because cable channels embrace summertime as an opportunity for new programming. So yes, Dexter, Weeds, True Blood, The Closer, Suits, and many more shows are all coming back in the summer. But it's the PRINCIPLE, dammit! I want my shows all the time! I don't want to wait 3 months to find out what's going on in Pawnee Indiana with Leslie and the gang from Parks and Rec. How will I be able to stand waiting to see what happens to Juliette on Grimm (don't judge me bitches, that show is awesome). Who did Dave end up with on Happy Endings?? WHO DIED ON REVENGE?! TELL ME, TELEVISION GODS! I am slave to your whims! I get the same kind of glow during fall pilot season that most people reserve for marriage and giving birth. TV only just ended last week and I'm already depressed.
She's worried about feeding her children, I want my TV shows back. Who has it harder? Tough call.
Super Inappropriately Dressed People
Many people take summer as an invitation to strip down to their skivvies and show off their body to the world. Yes, some bodies are probably more desirable than others in this situation, but on the whole I really disapprove of the outfits that come out in the summer. No, young lady, I did not need to see your butt cheeks hanging out of those things you call shorts. And why are you just in a bikini top? This isn't the beach. Put a damn shirt on. And get off my lawn.
All sorts of weird tank tops come out, nasty jorts (jean shorts), some ladies who really really need to be wearing bras decide to let it hang free...just so many awful things happen. And of course, the worst thing of all - THE ROMPER.
It makes Blake Lively look dumpy, people. BLAKE LIVELY. I assure you the average New Yorker DOES NOT LOOK LIKE BLAKE LIVELY. Oh my dear god this looks awful on everyone. And it's called a ROMPER. What is wrong with the world?
There you have it. While the rest of the country flees to the beaches, stretches out on a blanket in the park, and strips down to their summer wear, I will be holed up in my apartment, sweating even as I hug a fan, dreading the next time I have to step foot outside into the crushing sun and heat. And really, as global warming takes us all over, it's only going to get worse for people like me. What's Alaska like? Finland has sweet healthcare, right? Gotta keep my options open.
Is it September yet?