Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Wilmer Valderrama

Someone seriously needs to sit me down and explain the Valderrama phenomenon. I need to hear from a sane, rational person why this dude cleans up in the ladies department. Because I don't get it, and it really really pisses me off.

Let's just move directly to photo evidence.

Here is Wilmer.


He is famous for being on one show. It was on for 8 years. He was by far the most annoying character and did only one shtick the entire time.

Now, let's see who Wilmer has somehow managed to trick into dating him.

Ariana Richards
"It's okay, I won't be famous anymore in about 5 minutes."

Huh? Yes. It's Lex from Jurassic Park. Weird. I assume this relationship ended when she noticed his resemblance to a tricerotops with that hairdo. Clevahh giirl.

Mila Kunis

"I've made a huge mistake."

Okay, I get it. She was young, they had just started on a TV show together...she didn't realize yet that she was way hotter than could happen to anyone. I assume one day she got smart, woke up and said "Hey - I can do SO MUCH BETTER!" Then promptly dumped him.

Jennifer Love Hewitt

"This is where our baby will go, Wilmer."

This one actually makes a lot of sense. She's proven herself to be desperate and needy as hell, so I assume she'd date the garbage man if he smiled at her nicely. I'll venture that Wilmer ended this one when she took him engagement ring shopping after 3 weeks of dating.

Mandy Moore

"This is what teen pop stars do, right? Get a famous boyfriend?"

Okay, I see how this one started. She had just gotten famous, didn't realize what was out there yet, some guy who's on a semi successful TV series shows some could happen to anyone. But it lasted a LONG time, which causes me to judge Miss Mandy. I assume this ended when even her C List movie career made her more famous than him and she dropped his ass like a sad sack of potatoes.
Lindsay Lohan

"This guy's WAY more mature than my last boyfriend Aaron Carter! See, I have a track record of good decision making!"

Auuugh. Here's the point where he started getting kinda skeevy, because Lindsay was only 17 when they started dating (he's about 6 years older). That's a kind of extreme age difference for a teenager, and they denied they were a couple until she turned 18 and then they magically started living together. At this point, he started becoming more famous for dating people than for being on TV. I assume this ended when Lindsay overheard Ashton tell Wilmer he had a thing but let's do something soon, and she realized she was suddenly much more famous than her unemployed boyfriend.

Ashlee Simpson

"My dad said it will make me more famous if I steal Lindsay Lohan's boyfriend."

I don't really care much about this one, because I can't be bothered to put much effort into worrying about someone named Ashlee. But he still wasn't doing anything in his life when they got together...I don't think being Punk'd qualifies as a success. She hopped on the bandwagon to piss off Li Lo, in my opinion. I assume this ended when her dad realized what a skeev bomb Wilmer was and forced them to break up.

Avril Lavigne

"Maybe this will help us both stay relevant."

I routinely forget Avril Lavigne exists, so I guess this one was fine. I assume it ended when they both realized it wasn't helping them get into any tabloids.

Okay, you're saying to yourself. He's not the greatest looking fella of all time, and he doesn't appear to have had a job in the last several years, but...nobody's perfect. Why a whole blog post devoted to hating him?


That there is a highlight of topics he discussed on the Howard Stern show back in 2006. He detailed his sexual relationships with most of these women (J Love Hew is an 8, for those of you wondering), talked about how long his man parts are, and just bragged in general about his Don Juan de Hollywood status. No, I didn't want to know you took Mandy Moore's virginity, or that Ashlee Simpson is a screamer in bed.

Holy tasteless asshole, batman. Are you kidding? In what part of any decent guy's brain do you go on national radio to talk about your sex life with ANYONE, let alone other famous women? How does it not occur to you that these women have families and friends who will hear this, along with - oh, I don't know, EVERYONE IN THE COUNTRY?!

Maybe he was just desperate because he hadn't had a steady income for awhile, but throwing your past relationships under the bus for a few minutes of people going, "Oh yeah, I remember that guy - wow, he must be a real asshole" doesn't seem worth it to me.

It seems to me most women would write him off forever after this. This brings us to our final picture and Wilmer's current flame:

Demi Lovato

"You approve of our relationship, right Luis Guzman?" "Girl don't bring me into this."

For those of you who might not be aware, Demi Lovato was a Disney channel star who had a highly publicized breakdown and was shipped off to rehab to deal with depression, self harming, bulimia, and some rumored drug issues. When she emerged fresh faced and ready to deal with the world, that apparently included shacking up with our dear ol' friend Wilmer. And I do mean ol'. There is a 12 year difference between these two. He's like Matthew McConaughey in Dazed and Confused (the joke about how he gets older, but the girls stay the same age), only it's REAL LIFE AND THESE ARE REAL PEOPLE. Stay classy, Wilmer.

Dear Demi, while I won't lie and say I have ever watched your Disney show or listened to your pop music, I am still a human being. Therefore I want to personally address you and say, GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS AND BREAK UP WITH THIS DOUCHEBAG. You've already dated the gayest Jonas brother, so we know your relationship compass doesn't exactly point due North. I'm no expert, but it seems like some guy who has already gone on national radio to exploit his girlfriends and publicly announce incredibly private details about them MIGHT NOT BE A WINNER. I DON'T KNOW. THIS IS JUST A GUESS.

So someone out there...can you explain it to me? Why he hasn't been forced into celebate monkhood yet? Why women still sign up for his "I banged that" club? Because I am at a loss.

PS I aint a thief. Most of these pictures came from this website.


  1. This is about 3 years too late but what a hateful article! I hope you know Wilmer personally to make such belittling and insulting comments! I know for a fact that he and his family are very nice people,and Wilmer has done nothing different than any other guy has done on this planet! Unfortunately the girls he went out with were recognizable names,so he gets labeled, as you have done here! Howard Stern-that happened in his younger years-he admittedly made a mistake and wishes he could take that back! How many skeletons do you have in YOUR closet? Unless you are perfect,you are out of line!

  2. I never saw this till now but yeah, He is a douchebag... I've never been a fan but I was at a night club some years ago here in Puerto Rico and he happened to be there as was Chris Evans who was extremely nice and humble. So even though I'm not a fan I decided why the heck not? Ask for a picture. He had a body guard by his table and about 2 to 3 women around him and I asked if I could have a picture with him and he said something like: It's too late... Too late? As if there is a specific schedule to ask him for a picture. Anyway, right after that I put him in the Asshole category. Who cares anyway? Not me...

  3. He has a way with the ladies. Jelly? Jelly.