Saturday, March 24, 2012

Really Popular Songs With Ridiculous Lyrics

Songwriting is one of those things that many, many people try, presumably because they think they can genuinely succeed at it. Most of those try hards will fail, as well they should - just because you can move your voice up and down and know lots of words doesn't mean you'll be a decent songwriter. People like Bob Dylan, Sir Phil Collins, Adele - they don't come along everyday. In fact, with the exception of acting, music is probably one of the hardest industries to break into. So why do so many turds continue to strum their guitars in hopes they'll one day hit it big?

Because the music industry has rewarded hundreds of idiots before them, that's why.

Have you ever listened to a song - really listened - and realized, "This is the DUMBEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD. How did this get to be so popular??" Because America is a bunch of idiots who will make dumb things popular. See: Snooki.

"Haha, I make more money than anyone reading or writing this blog! Who's REALLY the stupid one?"

Here are the most popular and egregious song offenses.

Rhyming a Word With That Same Word

What - did you think we wouldn't notice, STEALER'S WHEEL?

"I've been trying to make sense of it all/but I can see it makes no sense at all..."

Stuck in the midde, indeed. Stuck in the middle of a bunch of stupid lyrics. No wonder you were a one-hit wonder!!! (See what I did there, with the wonder?)

Seems like the word "all" is pretty tough for many groups - take O Town, everybody's favorite boy band that came from a TV show:

"Cause I want it all/or nothing at all"

Are they all squinting cause it's bright in there, or they're trying to see what's going to happen to their careers in a year? Cause if so I have bad news...

You have people paid money to write songs for your pretend singing group - and they still can't come up with the words "tall" "fall" or "crawl?" Come on.

I know what you're thinking - we're talking a one hit wonder and a made up boy band! Surely these are just expected flukes of stupidity. Ladies and gentleman, I give you...The Beatles.

"Hey Jude, don't make it bad/take a sad song and make it better/remember to let her into your heart/then you can start to make it better"

It can happen to anyone.

Lyrics That Don't Make Any F@#$ing Sense

"Lucky that my breasts are small and humble/so you don't confuse them with mountains"

Yeah, Shakira, I guess that is lucky. What's not lucky is that you're apparently singing to a boy so dumb that there was a chance he'd confuse your boobs with mountains. Maybe you need to think about your life decisions.

I mean, she has a point.

Clay Aiken
, famous for being a runner up and hiding his gaiety, had a few hit songs during his peak popularity. His gem "Invisible" gave us a lot of really questionable lyrics - "If I was invisible, then I could just watch you in your room" is basically the last thing you hear before you head on over to the police station to file a restraining order against someone. But at least it makes sense. Unlike this lyric from the same song:

"Wish you could touch me with the colors of your life." Me too, Clay. I'd touch you with red, orange, yellow...all the colors of the rainbow, until you realized a lil somethin about your own colors and finally came out on the cover of a People magazine.

Aw. We know.

I'm a well known hater of this next song, but maybe by point out how truly dumb and nonsensical the lyrics are, I can bring a few people over to my side.

"But, that's not how it used to be
When the jester sang for the king and queen
In a coat he borrowed from James Dean
And a voice that came from you and me
Oh and while the king was looking down
The jester stole his thorny crown
The courtroom was adjourned
No verdict was returned"

So what's going on here? We're in a palace, and then a court? I mean I know Kings and Queens "hold court," but they don't really overturn verdicts there, Don McLean. And how do they know James Dean? I really chose these dumb lyrics at random - any of the 30 verses of this neverending song could have worked for this blog entry.

And you can all rest easy at night knowing that all of these folks probably have more money than you. Well, except like 4/5 of O Town's squinty losers.


  1. I agree with everything you're saying. EXCEPT American Pie, of course. The whole song is dedicated to describing events in the 60s that indicate a shift in American psychology:

    (Related: Remember that douche at trivia a while back? He was *literally* explaining this song line by line to his lady friend before trivia started. I wanted to turn around and blow his thunder by telling his date that he wasn't brilliant, he just was reciting google research.)

    1. I do know all about the symbolism and "real" meaning of that song...but my question is, if you need an entire website to explain to people what your song is REALLY about because on the surface it means nothing, does that make it any less nonsensical?

      And were people in the 1960's really stoned enough to understand all the hidden meanings in those lyrics, 30 years before websites came about? We will need the input of someone alive in the 1960's. Dad?

      That fucking trivia guy needed a good hard smack in the face.

  2. Haha ugh it must be a Champion thing; I hate American Pie too. Mom and Dad could definitely give you insight into that wretched song. Sorry, Trez. Though you do know if I was at trivia that guy would have gotten the 'evil al' look of death.

  3. As ridiculous as the lyrics to "Invisible" may be, I will NEVER stop belting out that hit as often as I can. Especially the "If I was invisiblllllle. wait..... I already ammmmm" part