Friday, August 10, 2012

Commuting on the Subway...PART TWO

In the months since my first rant about the subway, I've had some time to reflect.  Some time to look inward.  Some time to look in the mirror and say, "Hey - what about you?  Could you be part of the problem?  Are you being too harsh on people who are just trying to get to work, like you are?  Should you give them another chance?"

We deal with mostly the same problems, he and I.

No.  The resounding, unanimous answer that I came up with is no.  Because in those months, I've actually discovered that the subway is even worse than I thought.  Read on if you dare.

Yankees Fans

 I've been a New Yorker for about 9 years now, and have been admonished a number of times for never making the choice.  You know, the choice every New Yorker has to make.  The one that says which side you're on.  Who your allies are.  Where your enemies lie.  And I have to say, I just never cared much to decide.  I didn't have any dog in the fight.  Why pick?  It seemed silly.  It was like N* SYNC vs. Backstreet Boys.  I could never decide there, either.  They both serve their purpose!  They both have their moments!  They both want me back after I broke up with them, and want to express it musically.  Can't we all just get along?

Well thanks to commuting on the subway, I have made a choice, folks.  GO.  METS.  Fuck the fucking Yankees.    

Why?  Because I'm lucky enough to live off the subway line that takes you to Yankee Stadium.  And I've been forced to confront the fact that the Yankees have THE DUMBEST FANS TO EVER RIDE THE SUBWAY.  DEAR LORD.

Callous, unfeeling BASTARDS.

They do not know how to stand on the subway to maximize space.  This is problematic since around the time I am leaving work, it's rush hour anyway.  The Yankers fill up subway cars with astonishing speed.  I can't describe to you the depression I feel when the subway finally pulls into the station, grinds to a halt, and the doors open, only to reveal a bumbling mass of navy and white stripes and absolutely no more room for even one more person.

It's not just the space they take up.  That would be bad enough.  But no, they stumble around like fools when people need to get on or off around them.  They are very often DRUNK and LOUD, with absolutely no respect for people who are just trying to get home from a long work day.  They don't give a crap if there are children around.  They have no concept of other people's space or existence.  They are rude, stupid, oblivious fools.   

I understand most of them don't ride the subway very often, if ever.  But when in Rome, DO AS THE FUCKING NEW YORKERS DO!  Come on, it is not that hard to figure out how to step aside and let someone by, so they don't have to physically shove you out of their way.  Do I get a little bit of pleasure out of it?  Maybe!  But that's not the point!

Ergo I am a Mets fan.  Long live the Mets.

Oh my god, this is literally like the first 10 results that come up when you google Mets fans.  This is the saddest, most pathetic thing I have ever seen.

Men and their Junk

I don't want to get too graphic here.  I don't know what it's like to have male parts.  But I do know what it's like to have lady parts, and I can tell you that they're not always that convenient either.  However, my ladyparts inconvenience rarely TAKES UP AN ENTIRE TWO SEATS ON THE SUBWAY BECAUSE I'M AN ASSHOLE.
You aren't exempt, you old bastard.  Shut those legs.  Don't give me that look.

COME ON!  Your man sitting stance is ruining EVERYONE'S LIVES.  If there are only HALF the correct number of seats on the subway, can you see how that might be a problem?  Squeeze your damn knees together and suffer like the rest of us, boys.  Your balls can handle the trip.

Subway Performers (Dance Style)

Let's just get the disclaimer out of the way first:  yes, there are WAY WORSE ways to make money.  I respect the fact that it's an honest way of earning cash.   And I'm not saying they're not talented.  They could easily star in a moving about stepping up.

But I also do not want to fear getting kicked in the face while I'm trying to go home from work.  So there's that.

See how thrilled everyone is....?

I'll say it again - it's not that I'm not impressed!  Great job, young people.  You are super flexible and strong.  No, I cannot hold myself up on a subway pole like that.  You sure are amazing.  But it's just not my chosen venue, you know?  The subways are crowded to begin with, and when someone asks you to move aside so they can spin themselves on their own feels a little tedious.  Come on.  Just keep your legs to yourself.  Please don't kick me in the face.  Please.  I don't have any extra money to give you anyway.  I'm sorry.

I'm sure there's only more to come.  Be prepared for Volume 3 sometime soon.


  1. You are way too funny to only post a few entries a month. Also, Grandpa was a Mets fan, so there's that too. Good choice, I know he's applauding you. lol

    1. If you take up a collection for me to get paid to write these, I'd update as much as your little heart desires. But I'm glad to know I have such a devoted fan.