Megan Fox

So here I was, lazing about, watching TV, and I said to myself, “I should update that blog about things I hate again.” But what would the topic be? I’ve had kind of a mellow week. Not much going on to rant about. No problem, I said, just think of something standard. Something easy. Something that’s always around to hate on. I know, Megan Fox!

Then I realized I had never actually seen a Megan Fox movie. This would be a problem, since I assumed most of my argument would involve her being a shitty actress who only gets paid to look pretty. I mean, Transformers and its sequel are terrible movies, by all accounts, and she is terrible in them, but how could I write anything based on hearsay? So I pulled up Hulu to find what I could on her, and lo and behold, her Saturday Night Live episode was available for me.

Auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh.

I kind of felt like Patton Oswalt attempting the KFC Famous Bowl. I knew it would be terrible, but I had to do it to prove I was right.

Here’s the thing, I actually did chuckle a few times, but not at anything Megan said. She actually didn’t do much talking at all. Most of the skits and opening monologue were based on her being hot. And this fits neatly into why I already knew I hated her. I don’t think she’s completely useless, the girl can string a sentence together, but she certainly makes a whole lot of choices that aren’t showcasing anything but her fake boobs, nose, lips, etc. She also has this little girl baby voice that drives me really insane, but that’s neither here nor there. Pretty much any time I see her in a magazine, being interviewed, insisting she’s smart and people don’t give her a chance, the article is accompanied by pictures of her mostly naked, posing seductively with that weird mouth half open look that women seem to favor too much these days.

I'm hungry! FEED ME!

Romping around on the covers of FHM and Maxim is fine if you’re just going to model, but why are you insisting that acting is your craft and it’s what you want to do with your life? Who are we fooling? I do think there are women who are gorgeous and sexy who are fantastic actresses, some of whom have graced the cover of men’s magazines themselves. I’m not saying you can’t be sexy and talented. I’m just saying Megan Fox isn’t.

I don’t think I’m alone - I feel like in the last year or so, there’s been a big Megan Fox backlash, beginning after Jennifer’s Body crashed hard at the box office. Jonah Hex came and crashed even harder. Her reviews for almost every movie have been shitty (even her own co-star Mickey Rourke said their movie was a piece of crap and insulted her in the process).

I guess it’s some consolation that apparently even though she’s a stone cold fox (ha, ha, ha), people aren’t particularly interested in seeing her flounce around a screen unless she’s accompanied by giant robots a la Optimus Prime. And it seems she’s ruined her chance at doing that anymore, since they recast the female lead in the Transformers movies after she made some nasty comments about director Michael Bay, comparing him to Hitler. According to rumors, executive producer Steven Spielberg got pissed and booted her. You need to seriously question your life choices when you want to work in Hollywood and Mr. Steven Spielberg now hates you. Bye bye sweetie!

I hope when my career fails, this adorable child is there to wave goodbye to me too.

She does have Friends With Kids coming up, with co stars who generally act circles around her (Kristen Wiig, Jon Hamm, Adam Scott, etc.), so maybe she’ll totally shock me and hold her own in a film that isn’t about her boobs. But frankly, I won’t hold my breath. I think she should just stick to what she’s good at. Posing like she wants a sandwich, being inexplicably married to people who were only famous in 1994, and getting plastic surgery. Cause America doesn’t seem to want much more from her than that.