Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Uneven Couples

Long ago, someone decided that everyone in the world could be placed on a scale of 1-10 in terms of attractiveness. I assume this was etched out in the caves somewhere around the mesozoic era, when the hunter/gatherers were choosing which ladies to club over the head and drag back to their dens.

BROntosaurus approves. Get it? BRO? That wit is called a masters degree, folks.

It stands to reason that generally, folks in the world should match up - 10s would shack up with other 10s, 2s with other 2s, and so on. Perhaps there's a few points' discrepancy here and there, with an 8 lucky enough to land a 9 or a 6 dating down to a 4. But overall, things should even out.

Disclaimer: I admit this is a very heteronormative conversation. I will do some research and make a follow up LGBT post on this subject as well. I'm assuming the Oscar-award winning film She's Out of My League will be involved in my studies. Stay tuned.

Anyway, the overall "things should even out" law of physics is why I find it so upsetting when certain couples choose to throw off the balance of the universe by dating several points above or below their own attractiveness. There's just something that seems so...off about it. I want to stop them and say, "What is going on here? Is he rich? Epically funny? Please, sit me down and explain this situation."

You'll notice I used "he" to describe the lower-numbered mate in this couple. This is because in my scientific calculations, 99.9% of the uneven couples in the world depict a woman dating down. You all know what I'm talking about - the supermodels dating silicon valley multimillionaires, hot ladies jumping all over Adam Duritz in the 90's, Christie Brinkley and Billy Joel...the list goes on.

Now, take a minute and try to think of a super hot guy dating down to a fugly gal. Seriously, try. If you can think of any, please leave a comment. The closest I came is Hugh Jackman's wife Deborah Lee Furness, but in all fairness a) she's not THAT bad, and b) she seems like someone who was probably a hottie when she was younger. And there are all those gay rumors about him...just saying.

Oh come on, nobody is attractive when they eat.

I remember catching an episode of Days of Our Lives years ago with my mom, and seeing one of the loving couples kissing. The woman was short, heavy, and middle aged. The guy was young and virile and looked like every other actor on a soap opera. I can actually recall thinking, "This isn't right," because my young brain had already been socialized to understand that hot men do not, under almost any circumstances, get with lesser ladies - ESPECIALLY if they're a bit on the chubby side. I can just hear his chiseled soap opera buddies saying, "Her?"

I'm not necessarily saying women are not shallow. I went to high school. I saw which guys were getting laid and which weren't. But there is something different about the sexes. Maybe women are more willing to overlook a few extra pounds if a guy is really funny? Really sweet? Really rich? What is it? I don't know! But they're ruining it everyone else. They're throwing off the delicate balance of the universe, and making guys think it's okay for them to be super picky and judgmental of women, because hey, even Jamie Cullum married a supermodel.


So when I walk down the street and see a 10 and a 4 hand in hand, it's hard to hide my disgust/curiosity/annoyance. It truly makes me irate in a way I can't explain. Maybe this is my own weird issue, but whatever. You can get your own blog and write about the strange shit that pisses you off.

1 comment:

  1. i have to say i always did wonder about billy joel & christie brinkley - must be the famous singer/money combo!