Sunday, October 2, 2011

Personal Space Invaders

Some creatures just weren’t built with appropriate personal space detectors. Dogs, for example, like to be as physically close to a human as possible, curling up against you and sometimes even crawling on top of you to gain maximum coverage. When they are puppies they curl up with each other to gain maximum adorableness. They do not, in general, need their space.

If you have two eyes and a heart, it just melted.

(I assume some cats are like this, since people keep telling me their cat is “like a dog cat,” even though I’ve yet to meet one that is not a cat cat. Here’s a thought - maybe if you have to sell your pet to people by convincing them it’s like a different animal, it’s not really a species that anyone should be owning in the first place. But I digress.)

"I'm sorry, you must be mistaken. This is my chair."

I have found that this lack of personal space can sometimes leak over to people, with serious consequences. It is most apparent in the elevator environment, one that is already primed for awkwardness - silence, judgment, accidental noises, etc. There’s really no reason to add to the uncomfortable elevator setting, and yet some people just can’t seem to help themselves. You know who I’m talking about. The ass clowns who stand WAY TOO CLOSE TO YOU when there is nobody else in the elevator. You think, do I smell really good today? Did someone fart on the other side just before they got out? Do they just not see how much elevator is available for them to stand in? What’s going on!?

You go through all the options in your head - politely ask if they could step away? Could lead to even more awkwardness. Step away and move yourself? Makes it clear you don’t want to be that close to them, but still super weird. Suffer in silence during your ride? This seems to be the most popular answer. But why should the burden fall on you?

I believe the plot of this movie was that one of the people in the elevator was the devil. I think it's clearly the one being called out for her inappropriate elevator distance. You stay back, devil crowder!

I am here to assure you it’s not your fault. It’s their fault. You’ve done nothing to deserve this. These people are the same ones who somehow end up walking right beside you on the sidewalk, at the same pace, making it seem like you’re walking together when you don’t even know them, forcing you to either speed up or slow down just to get away from their awkwardness. They are the close talkers of Seinfeld fame. They are the jerks who plop down next to you in an empty movie theater instead of following the internationally agreed upon rule of one seat between people when it’s available.

They are life ruiners. They ruin people’s lives.

Living the dream, bro.

We must stand against them. Together we shall rise above. We shall fight back. We must look them straight in the eye and declare with one voice, WE WILL NOT GO QUIETLY INTO THE NIGHT! We as passengers of this elevator/walkers of this street/viewers of this movie have RIGHTS! You, stranger, are invading our personal space, and we’ll have NONE of it! Good day, I SAID GOOD DAY SIR!

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