Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Everyone Else on a Plane

Whenever I fly (which is fairly often), I quickly realize that I am thousands of feet in the air with 100-200 of the stupidest people in the world. There are so many offensive acts that occur from the time you step into the airport until the moment you break free into your destination’s gate, gasping for breath and blinking into the bright light, wondering what you did for God to punish you like that for the last X hours. There are so many awful characters one comes across that I could not narrow it down to one – I went with literally everyone. Here is a short list of people you may recognize.

1. The Guy Lying in Your Lap

This douche comes first on my list because it is the most direct and obnoxious offense. Because I have a dainty lady figure of 5’10”, leg room is no joke. I take my space seriously. So when the moment we hit cruising altitude, the guy (yes almost always a man) in front of me reaches to his side, I begin to cringe, for I know what is coming – the smash of his seat into my knees, a sudden inability to take my tray down without rendering myself infertile, and a hairdresser’s view of this man’s scalp issues. Yeah, I know the seat backs go down and people get sleepy. Doesn’t make you any less guilty when you jiggle that handle and throw your back into it juuust to make sure the seat is alllll the way down. Nope sir, can’t go any lower! If you did you’d be staring into my eyes and see the piercing hatred I feel for you.

2. The Lady Who Wants to Be BFFFFFs

See this book in my lap? See these headphones in my ears? That means I don’t want to talk to you. And yet you persist, middle aged woman. You want to ask me why I am traveling to our destination. You want to tell me why you’re going there. Oh, you have grandkids? That’s nice. Oh, you were on a plane last July and they gave you a free blanket? Cool. Yeah, this soda is pretty good I guess. No, I’m not sure why they don’t give out the peanuts anymore. Hehe, sure is a tight squeeze up here! Please oh please leave me alone. Also occasionally applies to overweight jovial middle aged men.

3. People Who Make the Security Line Slow

This is a wide range of races, genders, ages, etc., but generally applies to people who don’t fly often. I don’t blame you for not being used to all the rules and regulations about liquids and clear bags and shoes off and shit. But when there are 40 signs and two TSA agents telling you these facts before you have to put your crap on the conveyor belt, and you STILL set off the damn metal detector because you have your watch on, I hate you. Why do you look surprised when they tell you to take your shoes off? Did you not see every single person in front of you doing it? Did you think you were the exception to all the flying rules? Get out and don’t ever come back.

4. Crying Baby

Yeah yeah, they can’t help it, they’re babies, they don’t know any better, you’ll be horrified when you’re the mom with the screaming kid one day, wah wah wah. I’ve heard all the excuses. Doesn’t mean I don’t want that damn baby to SHUT UP. LIFE RUINERS!

5. Leisurely De-Boarder

This one enrages me on par with #1, because it happens at the very end of your trip – after you’ve already suffered through all of the above tortures, plus whatever random awful things came up (toes smashed by the beverage cart, shitty movie or NO movie offered, Creepy Starer From Across the Aisle). You’re tired, miserable, and wanting nothing more than to exit this cavern of hell. But somehow, this flyer a few rows ahead of you had NONE of your terrible experiences! They casually stand up to stretch, chat with some neighbors, and take their sweet motherfuckin time getting that carry on down from the overhead bin. All the while, you are silently screaming, trapped in the aisle further back, able to do nothing. One day my internal rage will become accidentally external, and I will shout, “MOVE IT ALONG ASSHOLE” to a complete and total stranger. Stay tuned.

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