Friday, May 6, 2011

Truvia Commercials

Before we continue, here is an example of Truvia's marketing campaign:

Now before Truvia goes suing me (because my blog is so influential and read by so many people), I am not hating on their actual product. I'm all about fake(ish) sweeteners, although I'm a Splenda gal myself. But these commercials make me want to dig out my ear drums in order to end my pain.

Let's begin with this woman's voice. I'm sure she's a lovely gal who enjoys long walks on the beach and indulges in Nicholas Sparks novels for funsies. However, her voice is like nails on a chalkboard. I know being just a little off key is "in" for hipsters or whatever, but she takes it to another level with these jingles. This is obviously what Truvia was looking for, since she probably got this job over hundreds of other women with beautiful classically trained voices or whatever. Can you imagine being one of the women who didn't get this commercial? You've probably forgotten about it by the time it airs months later. Perhaps you're puttering around your kitchen, maybe making coffee, maybe even using some artificial sweetener of some sort, and all of a sudden you hear this commercial on your TV in the other room. Your muscles freeze. Your blood goes cold. It can't be. This can't be the job you were turned down for. You move closer to the TV, just to make sure. You look on in horror as the shrill off-pitch music fills your living room.


Who knows, maybe she's funny.

Moving on, let's cover the actual song. As my sister said, "Maybe if it didn't sound like a three year old wrote it..." There are approximately 4 notes in this tune, making it even more remarkable that the aforementioned woman can't hit any of them. But the shame doesn't end there - the lyrics are embarrassing. "I love you sweetness/But you're not sweet you hit on my friends." Really? The sugar hit on your friends? Is that what happened? Oh I get it, you alllll wannnt the saaame dessert. Here's a novel idea bitches - ORDER MORE DESSERTS. Then you won't have to share. Problem solved.

Some of the other commercials vary slightly on this theme - the helpless victim of sugar's ruthless power steals her boyfriend's dessert, or she yells at Sweetness again for making her butt fat or taunting her via donuts. Overall these are all pretty sad in their sole aim towards women (cause God knows there 'aint no fatty men walkin around anywhere) and the fact that they take us back about 50 years by suggesting we just want to fight each other for desserts, steal our boyfriend's food, whine about our big booties and in general go SUGAR CRAAAZYY!!! Please. I have a somewhat large behind, but I don't blame sugar. I blame chinese food, lack of physical activity, and coming from several generations of people who evolved to survive in very cold places by holding in every fat cell for as long as possible.

I have not tried Truvia. Maybe it's the most magical sweetener in the world, but it's a shame I will never know - at least not until they change their stupid commercials and quit torturing my ears.

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