Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Idiots in the Rain

I bet you didn't know that every single day in this country, thousands* of deadly weapons are bought and sold right out in the open. Right on street corners, in your trusted neighborhood stores, the pharmacy - why, you can even use your credit card to buy a lethal arsenal of these killing machines.

Yes, I'm talking about umbrellas.

I've already lamented my tallness in a previous post, but it seems that 5'10" is just about the perfect height for most people's umbrella spikes to hit you right in the eye. This is an especially big problem in a city like, say, New York, where everyone walks everywhere all the time. Each time it rains, I must step out my door with caution and proceed to walk around like a tweaking meth head, my eyes darting left and right continuously, afraid for my life. I cannot count the number of times I get a little grunt of apology from a passerby who has nearly smacked the side of my head with their Dome of Doom © after I had to dive out of the way of their oblivion.

Nothing's gettin through this sucker! Just in case though, she is ready to pull out her gun and shoot you.

Here is a tip, fools: if you just lift your umbrella directly up, my vision is spared and you will still remain relatively dry! I always give a grateful little smile to people who do this - anecdotally, it's almost always other tall people, who I imagine have had several near-blinding experiences themselves. I'm not hating on shortys - I'm sure there are plenty of you out there who have also been maimed by a stray metal spike, and I'm sure many of you are polite umbrella lifters as well. Let us band together and form a new nation - conceived in safety - dedicated to the proposition that all eyes are worth keeping.

Don't even get me started on the asses who charge forward with their umbrella like a shield in front of them when it's windy rain. If you can't see the people coming towards you, you are walking wrong.

*This statistic is by no means accurate in any way.


  1. As a rather tall person, I find the real challenge when hoisting an umbrella to fight the elements is to keep it low enough so as to protect my walking companion dry. Drop it too low and I can't see where we're headed. Raise it too high and the umbrella becomes a mobile, poorly positioned, leaky lean-to for my "guest". My mother's trusted advice to always walk between the street and your partner complicates it even further, although she implied that this was only important when walking with a girl. Guys love the chance to present a tough weather-worn image and could not care less.

  2. As a tall person, I totally know what ya mean Len... trying to share the umbrella with a shorty is really difficult. My rule is - I don't share umbrellas. I use it only - and my excuse is that because I have curly hair, I need the most protection from the rain as to avoid the frizz. (Obviously I have never had to share an umbrella with another curly) Speaking of hair - I feel doubly challenged by the shorties because if the umbrella doesn't poke me in the eye, it usually manages to get caught in my massive hair... not cool. How many shorties get home and wonder why they have a little frizz frizz sticking out of their umbrellas?? Lots so far.